


And I Saw Sparks

by jhoom



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Blowjobs, Bottom!Cas, Buttplugs, Child Abuse, Dry Humping, Infidelity, M/M, Masturbation, Mentions of Light Bondage, Multi, Recreational Drinking, Threesome - M/M/M, Top!Jimmy, Twincest, bottom!jimmy, daisy chain of blowjobs, dean with low self esteem, drinking as a coping mechanism, handjobs, mentions of facials, mentions of pegging, prior cas/others (crowley balthazar april meg), prior dean/others (lisa aaron lydia benny cassie), prior jimmy/others (amelia daphne nora april), soulmate!AU, switch!jimmy, top!dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-10-29 23:39:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 67,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10864521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhoom/pseuds/jhoom
Summary: It only affects maybe twenty percent of the population, but when you first kiss your soulmate, sparks fly.  Not literally, but the feeling is real enough for those who experience it.  There are two catches: it only works after you turn sixteen and it has to be a kiss on the lips.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel meet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :) This is my entry for the [DCJ Big Bang 2017](http://dcjbigbang.tumblr.com). I'd like to thank both [destielonfire](http://destielonfire.tumblr.com) and [captainhaterade](http://captainhaterade.tumblr.com) for beta-reading!! And of course a big shout-out to my artist [dmsilvisart](http://dmsilvisart.tumblr.com) for doing some amazing art for this story ^-^ Check out her [art post](https://dmsilvisart.tumblr.com/post/160989534388/and-i-saw-sparks)!
> 
> Surprise surprise, this is another example of a fic where I was like "hey this could be 20k" and then haha no it wasn't :/ Also for the first time, I'm putting chapter summaries in - they're short little blurbs that are really just there to remind me wtf happened in each chapter.
> 
> Come visit me on tumblr [@jhoomwrites](http://jhoomwrites.tumblr.com) if you'd like to talk destiel, dcj, or really anything :)
> 
> As always, please make sure you guys read the tags. If you're concerned about the underage and child abuse warning, I've included spoiler-y details on that in the end notes of this chapter. If you have any other questions/concerns about the warnings, lemme know.
> 
> Also Dean and Cas speak German at some points in this story. I have very little actual German, instead opting to do _italics_ for long portions of text that are in German.

  


****When you first kiss your soulmate, sparks fly.

Not literally, of course. That’d be fucking dangerous. But the exciting thrum of electricity shoots through you, starting from your lips and cascading all the way down to your toes. The first time is like a shock, but it’s there every kiss after, too, reminding you how fucking perfect you two are for each other. So the thrill of kissing your soulmate never truly wears off. It’s amazing.

Or at least, Dean assumes it is. That’s what they all say.

It’s not that Dean knows from personal experience. He’s kissed plenty of people, but never felt that spark. Most people don’t, actually. Only about ten to twenty percent of the population ever claim to meet their soulmates, and so far Dean’s not among them.

Not that he’s bitter. Because he’s not. Nope, not one bit.

He certainly isn’t bitter about his ex-girlfriend Lisa. Of fucking _course_ he’s happy for her finding her soulmate and all that. It just would’ve been nice if it hadn’t happened _while_ she’d been dating Dean.

The point is, soulmates are an awesome thing that everyone wants but not everyone gets to have. And Dean’s accepted the fact that he’s among the rather large group that doesn’t get to have it. It’s not that he’s unlovable or incapable of love. Just that he’s destined to fall a little short of “soulmate” levels of affection.

Like that makes it hurt any less. That no matter how much he ends up caring about someone, even if he thinks the fucking _world_ of them, there’ll always be someone out there who’ll scoff and tell him, _Well you can’t love them_ **_that_ ** _much, you’re not even soulmates._

He and Sam have had words about this again and again. Whenever he finds his brother drinking and inevitably whining about his shit luck and how he’s no good, Sam pulls him to his feet and tells him he’s being ridiculous. That he’s a great person and maybe his soulmate’s still out there and even if they’re not, that doesn’t make him any less awesome.

“Easy for Sam to say,” Dean grumbles to himself as he heads down a lonely hallway in the Fine Arts building. “Sam’s already _found_ his soulmate.”

Sam and Jess have been inseparable since they ran into each other at some freshman orientation at Stanford. They’d barely known each other a week when they kissed and BAM sparks. And they really are the perfect couple. Sam’s so sweet and Jess has enough fire in her to keep him in line.

All their lovey-dovey nonsense grates on his nerves. Sure he’s happy for his kid brother (ecstatic, actually, the kid deserves the best the world has to offer), but damn if it isn’t aggravating having the constant reminder of what Dean himself doesn’t have. But he’s nearly thirty now, and he’s gotten pretty good at ignoring how empty he feels whenever another relationship goes south because of the “soulmate” thing.

He’s worked himself into a foul enough mood by the time he gets to his class that it takes him a moment to collect himself. Forcefully pushing all thoughts of soulmates, kissing, and Lisa out of his mind, Dean steps into the classroom tucked away in the back of the building. The room’s only got about twelve people in it despite being big enough to hold three times that. There are rows and rows of tables facing the front, each with two to three chairs set up behind them.

With an inward groan (ugh, _group_ work), he steps inside and eyes his classmates. They’re all young, probably still in undergrad. A couple of them double-take when they see him, obviously assessing him and no doubt wondering what a guy his age is doing taking classes with them.

 _Sorry, but some of us work full time while trying to get their Master’s_ , he inwardly gripes.

The only person who doesn’t seem to give a shit about his age (or the sorry state of his jeans, covered in machine grease and industrial lube) is a dark-haired man sitting in the front row by himself. He looks about Dean’s age and is probably also working full time, if the suit and tie are anything to go on. While the others are still trying to steal glances at Dean (or they simply stare in open curiosity), this man had given him no more than cursory look before going back to his phone.

Decision made, Dean navigates through the desks. He pointedly ignores everyone else ( _especially_ the girl who winks at him and pulls out a chair) and grabs a seat next to phone guy up front.

Blue eyes glance up at him, taking him in with a little more interest than before, before he gives a slight smile and goes back to his phone. _This_ is exactly what Dean was looking for. A politeness that’s not overwhelming—someone who will play nice when they have to work together, but won’t pry or be some sort of fake, overly friendly nightmare. He could already tell, he and phone guy were going to get along great.

The professor comes in, rushing up front with a little rolling backpack trailing behind her. Her blond ponytail bounces as she quickly unpacks and starts handing out syllabi.

“ _I know, I know. I’m a terrible German, showing up late on the first day of the semester,”_ she rattles off in German. Dean looks down at his watch and bites his lip to keep from smiling. She’s literally only a minute late. “ _Pair off with someone sitting nearby. Introduces yourselves. Talk about your days. Whatever you want, just speak. I’ll come around to listen, try to gauge our overall levels of proficiency.”_

Some of the younger students look shocked that they’re expected to speak German on the first day (of their _400_ level German class, for fuck’s sake). Dean’s so fucking glad he happened to pick the seat next to one of the few people who seems unfazed. Last thing he needs is to get stuck babysitting some nervous freshman straight out of high school who’ll latch on to him like he has all the answers to life just because he’s an “adult.”

Like he’s ever been called an adult in his life.

He swivels around in his chair and offers a hand to the dark-haired man next to him (phone finally pocketed). “ _Hi, I’m Dean. You?_ ”

The man narrows his eyes before shaking Dean’s hand. “ _My name is Castiel. I’m new to this university, and this is my first_ —”

_“You Bavarian or something?”_

The guy—Castiel, apparently—blinks in confusion a few times. “ _What_?”

_“Your accent. You from Bayern or something?”_

_“No.”_ He seems to be reluctant to go on, but at Dean’s incredulous look, he sighs. When he continues, his accent is muted and it sounds more like the Hochdeutsch his professors have been speaking to him for years. “ _I learned German from my au pair as a child. She was from Mittenwald in Bayern.”_

Dean can’t help but be intrigued by that. Families with au pairs screamed money. Guys with wrinkled suits and backwards ties, taking night classes in their thirties, didn’t. It didn’t add up, and Dean kinda wanted to find out how the pieces fit together.

_“So what are you studying, Castiel with an au pair from Mittenwald?”_

The other man’s lips quirk up a little at the corner. Dean’s got the feeling Castiel’s smiles aren’t given freely. They have to be earned.

Dean’s always liked a challenge.

_“I’m getting my MBA. Part of the program requires me to pass a proficiency exam in a foreign language. This is mostly a refresher course for me. Though I might follow up with a second course in the spring”_

Somehow Dean must’ve managed to impress the guy, because Castiel is speaking so quickly Dean can barely keep up. He’s good but he’s not _that_ good, and Castiel’s basically fluent as far as Dean can tell.

_“Refresher course? You’re just here to make the rest of us look bad.”_

_“Hardly,”_ he says dismissively. _“What about you? What brings you to the depths of the Fine Art building on this fine Thursday evening?”_

It throws Dean a little. If _he’d_ been the one saying it, it would’ve been flirting. Just to test the waters, see if the cute guy in his German class was into him. But Castiel’s deadpan, overly somber delivery baffles Dean a bit.

 _“I uh…”_ He momentarily forgets how to German and has to actually plan out his sentence ahead of time. _“I’m getting my Masters in Mechanical Engineering. I have to take the same proficiency test. I work for a car company and they’ve got a sister branch near Nürburg. German seemed practical, especially if I get transferred over there or need to do a business trip.”_

Actually, brain turning to goop from cute boys or not, he’s pretty proud of how well he got through all that.

_“Mechanical Engineering? That’s impressive. You must be pretty smart.”_

Okay was _that_ flirting? Before he could follow it up, the professor cuts them off and begins the lesson. She points out a few mistakes she heard the class making (though she takes a moment to praise both Castiel and Dean for doing an outstanding job - the younger students look at them in a mix of awe and envy) then dives into their lesson on Indirekte Rede. Castiel groans when he hears it, but diligently takes out a notebook and copies what she says. It only takes a couple minutes before Dean’s starting to understand his annoyance.

By the time the professor ends the class punctually at their designated time, Dean can feel a stress headache starting to form behind his eyes. The highlight of the night had been when they’d done practice sentences with their partners. Dean and Castiel had passed a sheet of paper back and forth, each trying to one up the other on ridiculous sentences. They’d started with the bland stuff like “ _Frau Bügelstein says that she is no longer working”_ to such gems as “ _Ylvis alleges that the fox says Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding”_ and “ _The men without hats claim that you can dance if you want to.”_

But now Konjunktiv I and Konjunktiv II are a jumbled mess in his head. He’ll need at least a night to sleep on it before it starts to make any sort of sense. Right now, Dean just wants to get out of here.

Castiel’s stuffing his notebook back into his briefcase and pulling on a weathered trenchcoat. On the other hand, Dean wouldn’t mind getting to know his new classmate a little better. He remembers undergrad when he bonded with the other students in his department. The engineering department was rather large at the entry levels, but by junior year their classes had whittled down to maybe five. They’d spent _years_ together, and that kind of bonding’s nice.

Not that he expects that kind of thing with Castiel, but they’ll be spending their Thursday evenings together for the next few months. It wouldn’t hurt if they got along.

Deciding he’s got nothing to lose, Dean asks, “You wanna go get a drink?”

Castiel seems almost shocked. Like he thought Dean would ignore him once class ended or something. “Who, me?”

“No, dingus, the other guy I’ve been talking to all night.” When Castiel looks around in confusion for a moment, Dean laughs. “ _Yes_ , Cas, I mean you.” The nickname’s unintentional, but it rolls of his tongue so easily that Dean doesn’t want to take it back. Castiel, for what it’s worth, doesn’t seem to mind. “And I’m pretty sure no one else is even old enough to drink. Hell, I think we might be older than the professor.”

“Frau Werner is on the young side. I think she’s technically a grad student from Germany—”

“Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Drinks?”

“Oh!” Dean can’t help but lick his lips when Cas blushes, the color doing wonders to bring out his eyes. For the first time all evening, Cas’ eyes wander up and down Dean’s form. But they don’t linger on the stains or the holes in his shirt or the heavy, worn work boots. Instead he carefully takes it all in. “Yes. I’d like that.”

“Alright.” His mouth is dry. Having Cas visibly check him out’s got him heating up under the collar, but he ignores it. As much as he’d _like_ to be interested, it’s still too soon after Lisa for him to want to deal with any of that shit again. Even a hookup would feel weird right now. Hopefully Cas won’t push for anything beyond friendly drinks.

They arrive at the only on-campus bar, _The Front Door_ . It’s a couple buildings over, right outside the Game Room lined with pool tables from wall to wall. When Dean was here for undergrad, he spent _hours_ hustling the would-be pool sharks who tried to take advantage of the less-skilled players. It’s almost ten, so the Game Room’s empty and the bar’s not much better off. It’s just the bartender, a few professors, and a group way off in the corner loudly playing drinking games.

And now them. They slide in at the bar and order some beers and nachos. It wounds Dean’s pride a little when he’s not even carded, but Cas isn’t either so at least they can be old farts together.

They talk and drink, filling in the blanks they hadn’t had time to during class. Dean talks about moving to Greenville, South Carolina to work at the BMW plant nearby. That leads to him going on about how fucking excited he is that they hired him at all and are paying for him to continue school, even if it’s a few years later than he’d expected. Castiel talks about how he works some boring desk job as an accountant and hates it, how he’s taking business classes so he can help learn how to start and run his own business and do something more interesting than push papers all his life.

Turns out Dean didn’t need to worry about Cas making a pass at him (or himself getting tipsy and making one on Cas). Although Castiel is friendly and sometimes their knees end up touching and neither of them moves away, it’s innocent. Neither flirts, and neither invites that kind of attention.

(Maybe Dean’s _mildly_ disappointed, but he knows that’s stupid. He stamps out the feeling and instead enjoys the new budding friendship.)

“I feel like we should be practicing German together,” Cas hiccups then goes in for another sip of his beer. When his hand misses completely, Dean pulls the glass out of reach and finishes it himself just to keep it away from Cas.

Huh, it actually tastes kinda burnt or bitter or something. How the hell did Cas manage to drink three of these?

“You wanna practice German? _Now_? While you’re three beers deep and I’ve forgotten everything past hallo, wie geht’s?”

 _“Drunk German is authentic German. If you can’t speak German drunkenly, then you don’t really speak it at all.”_ Castiel might mean to sound impressive, but he rolls his r’s too much and gets so guttural Dean’s powerless to stop the full belly laugh that shakes through him.

“Don’t ever change, man,” Dean says between tears.

 _“It won’t be… It allegedly isn’t… fuck… It wasn’t…”_ Cas frowns in disbelief before scowling and switching back to English. “It wasn’t that funny, Dean.”

“Oh, it definitely was. You’re ador—you’re _hilarious_ when you’re drunk, by the way.”

Cas gives a pleased smile that Dean’s _definitely_ earned.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Underage: Cas and Jimmy get together when they're sixteen and have sex.
> 
> Child abuse: Castiel and Jimmy's father physically strikes them when he finds out about them being together. The twins are eighteen at the time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel get to know each other better

**** It becomes their thing: sitting together in class; passing notes back and forth until the professor scowls at them; then going for drinks and a snack. It goes on like that for most of the semester. 

Long enough that Dean thinks he’s kinda missed the boat on anything romantic happening with Cas. But then a freak snowstorm gets classes canceled, and the two meet up at Dean’s place to hang out. Sitting in his sweatpants and sharing a pizza with Cas while making fun of cheesy action movies… Sure, dating Cas  _ might  _ be nice, but being friends with him is  _ definitely _ awesome. He’s not willing to risk the one for the other.

( _ Besides, why bother? It’s not like you’re dateable. You get a few months, tops, before they realize you’re not their soulmates then they’re gone and you’re left picking up the pieces. Be glad Cas figured that out  _ **_before_ ** _ he broke your heart. _

_ Ugh, just  _ **_stop_ ** _.) _

Dean’s actually feeling pretty melancholy when the semester’s coming to a close. Yeah, he’s stressed out because fuck exams and fuck the fact that he’s got work deadlines to meet too. Yet at the end of the day when he’s alone in bed staring at the chips in his ceiling, he finds himself kinda sad at the prospect of not seeing Cas every week. 

It hits him especially hard after the take their exam and go for their customary drink together. Sure, they’ve hung out once or twice outside of school, but there’s something final about this trip to the bar. Dean’s pretty sure he’s pouting as he plays with the label peeling off his beer bottle, but he doesn’t know how to broach the topic of the staying in contact.

_ You could always just text him _ .  _ It’s not like you don’t have his number. _

_ Yeah. Text him out of the blue when the most I’ve ever sent him is a question about the homework. “Hey I know we’re only German buddies, but wanna come over for a beer this week? For ol’ times sake?” That’s not pathetic at all. _

“You taking more German next semester?” Castiel asks. 

It pulls Dean from his moping for a second, but then he’s back to staring at his beer. “Yeah,” he answers automatically. “My advisor wants me to take at least two more courses to make sure I can pass the exam, otherwise they’ll make me wait a whole ‘nother semester before I can take it again.” It’s an unpleasant reminder that he'll be on his own next semester. 

“You doing 450 with Werner or 510 with Schwarzmann?”

“Uh… Shit, I don't even know. Whichever one’s on technical writing. Actually supposed to be really good class.”

_ If only I could work up the energy to be excited about it. _

“That's Werner's class.” Cas finishes of his beer and waves the bartender over for another. “Good. That's the one I signed up for. It'd be annoying to have to change courses after registering.”

Dean's brain tries to process the information he's just been told. It’s not until Cas’ glass has been refilled that he's able to piece together what's going on. “You're in that class too?”

“Mmhmm.” Cas tastes his new beer and smacks his lips as appreciatively. “I decided to take another course. Hope you don't mind having to put up with me for another semester.”

“I think I'll manage.” Dean's so happy he could sing. He might even do something stupid like—

Like kiss Cas. And prove that any relationship they might have will run its course. Like every other relationship Dean's ever had. 

“I'm glad,” Cas says quietly. Dean hadn't even realized Cas was nervous until that moment, but his voice smooths over and the hints of stiffness disappear. “I'm glad you haven't gotten bored of me yet.”

Now that his bad mood had instantly been toppled over, it's too easy for Dean to smile and playfully nudge Cas. “C'mon man. Who's gonna show me up if you're not in class? You know I can't handle the pressure of being the best.”

They're on the precipice of flirting again, and it takes all of Dean's power to avoid falling into that trap. 

_ You don't want to  _ **_date_ ** _ Cas _ , he reminds himself.  _ You want to  _ **_keep_ ** _ him. Dating him the surest way to chase him off. Be happy with this little step in the right direction and don't  _ **_dare_ ** _ to dream about more _ .

Advice he should've taken with Lisa. But hey, at least he's learned the lesson. Better late than never, right? This is dangerous territory. Being this comfortable with someone has only ever led Dean to heartbreak. But if he’s careful to keep this thing with Cas purely about friendship, he might actually get through this.

The flirty edge dies down, replaced with an ease in their interactions that Dean realizes has been missing for a few weeks now. Now that they know they’ll see each other again once the spring semester rolls around, they both settle into their usual banter. Cas shares horror stories about his co-workers and Dean comments with terribly forced movie and TV references, to see if Castiel gets them. Cas’ pop culture knowledge is so sparse and sporadic that Dean loves poking around just to see what he knows. 

Even with the prospect of German 450 on the horizon, neither makes any move to end the evening. Whenever a beer goes dry, they promptly order another one. They drift closer and closer to each other until their shoulders touch. It’s actually kind of nice. But Dean forces himself to pull away, heeding his earlier warning to himself. 

“So you doing a lot over the winter break?” he blurts. It’s the only thing he can think of to break the spell and get some semblance of control back.

“Hmmm, not much. I’ll actually be doing a lot of tax-related things at work, so it’s not much of an actual break for me. My brother and I are going skiing for New Years, which is probably a terrible idea since I haven’t been skiing in over a decade, but he insisted.”

“I didn’t know you had a brother.” Dean had brought up his own brother during their first time at the bar, but it’s been months and Cas hasn’t said a word. “He not live around here or something?”

“Oh, uhm,” Cas looks momentarily embarrassed. This is probably the first time Dean’s seen Castiel flustered since he first invited him out to the bar. “I hadn’t realized I hadn’t mentioned him. He lives in town. We’re actually roommates at the moment.”

“I’m half jealous, half super fucking glad I’m not roommates with Sam. I love having the kid around, but the he’s a fucking slob and eats like a goddamn horse. Can’t imagine living with him again after I moved out.”

Castiel shrugs diplomatically. There’s more of a story there, but Dean doesn’t push. Family issues aren’t something you casually navigate with random guys you sometimes get drinks with. 

_ What about guys you’d change your course schedule for? _

More to shut up the stupid little voice in his head than anything else, Dean asks, “So just trying not to fall on your ass skiing and taxes? That pretty much the gist of it?”

“More or less.” Cas traces a finger along the brim of his glass. 

There’s an invitation in the silence, and Dean’s not sure how to do this. He’s new to the whole friends first thing. And it’s not like Dean doesn’t know  _ how _ to make friends, it’s just that he doesn’t know how to do it with people he’d love to get in his bed. Because there’s a certain amount of untapped chemistry here, underlying every interaction. Is he willing to endure that until their friendship runs its course? Whether it be weeks or months or years, can he handle the  _ potential _ here?

“So I was thinking,” he says casually. Cas perks up a little and Dean takes a second to think through what he’s about to say. “I mean, I ain’t exactly a German master or anything, but I really need to pass that proficiency exam next year. Think it’d be good practice to maybe watch some German movies? And talk about them with someone else?”

“You criticize me for my general lack of movie knowledge, yet your suggestion is to skip all of American cinema and dive into German cinema instead?” The delivery is basically deadpan, but there’s a twinkle in Cas’ eye that gives away that he’s teasing Dean.

“Who said I was inviting you.” Dean winks to show he’s only kidding, but Cas is unperturbed either way. “And hey, let’s be real. It’s probably too late to catch you up on the American classics, may as well call it a loss and move onto something more manageable.”

“You have any movies in mind?”

“I’ll see what I can scrounge up at the library or on Netflix. Think you got time before you and your bro ship out for some winter wonderland?”

“I have one more exam, but after that I’m relatively free.” 

And just like that, they have plans to hang out outside of school. Which yes, they’ve done before, and yes, they’re doing it under the pretense of school, but it’s a step in the right direction. 

Once their courses officially end, they meet every weekend after that in December and January. The only exception is when Castiel’s on his skiing trip with his brother. He comes back from that looking exhausted but cheerful, and Dean’s glad to have him back. Probably kind of pathetic how much he missed having him around after only a week away. 

They meet at Dean’s place on a Saturday afternoon, with Cas bringing some takeout and Dean providing the movie and beer. Dean always sits on his recliner while Cas takes over the couch. It’s the safest way for Dean to avoid the temptation of snuggling up next o Cas. He’s not made of stone, and his resolve to keep things platonic would crumble if they ever honest to god  _ cuddled _ .

They they start making their way through the library’s small German section. Most of the time, Castiel’s content to let Dean take over and pick their movie for the night, but once or twice he’ll override Dean’s selection with one of his own. In those few instances, there’s no room for argument. (And admittedly, Dean finds himself a little hot under the collar when that happens and doesn’t put up too much of a fight.)

Slowly, they work their way through the obvious choices like  _ Lola rennt _ ,  _ Good-bye Lenin, _ and  _ Das Leben der Anderen _ . Then it’s on to movies like  _ Jenseits der Stille _ ,  _ Die fetten Jahre sind vorbei _ , and, Dean’s favorite,  _ Nosferatu _ (“It’s a silent movie, Dean. It’s not even  _ in _ German.” “It’s got German title cards, it counts. Now shh, the movie’s starting.” “Did you just shush me so you could watch a  _ silent _ movie?”). There’s even some arguing in German as they discuss which characters are The Worst™ and which movies are indeed worthy of the term “classic.” 

After one particularly close call where it’d felt kind of  _ domestic _ the way they moved around each other in the kitchen, Dean decides to call in backup. For their final movie night, they’re going to be watching  _ Das Boot _ , so Dean goes ahead and invites over Benny, Charlie, and Jo to help diffuse the tension. It works pretty well, except now Dean gets to see firsthand how well Cas fits in with his friends. He just… he  _ fits _ in his life, and he likes that.

Likes it too much. 

Likes it enough that he thinks about trying.

Maybe.

_Castiel N (3:15 pm):_ _I know it’s the middle of the week, but there’s a power outage at my office and we’ve all been kicked out._

_ Castiel N (3:16 pm): Would you like to grab an early dinner? _

It’s pitiful how tempted Dean is, but he already has plans. He’s pretty sure he could cancel them without too much of a fuss, but it’s a slippery slope. Today he’s canceling plans to hang out with a guy he refuses to date, tomorrow they’re making out on his couch, and then a week after that Cas is reminding him that they’re not soulmates and it’s been fun but it’s over.

Wow that went downhill quickly. Shaking his head to clear out the pathetic thoughts, he types out a response.

**Dean W (4:05 pm): can’t got plans with some friends**

**Dean W (4:06 pm): it’s my birthday and they’re surprising me with something**

**Dean W (4:08 pm): my money’s on lasertag but who the fuck knows with them**

He’s about to get back to work but there’s almost an immediate response.

_ Castiel N (4:09 pm): You didn’t tell me it was your birthday. I’ll bake you a cake. _

**Dean W (4:10 pm): ew no cake man**

**Dean W (4:10 pm): i’m strictly a pie kinda guy**

**Dean W (4:12 pm): besides i don’t see you til this week and i do NOT want you bringing a cake to class**

**Dean W (4:13 pm): werner already thinks we’re weird enough**

_ Castiel N (4:17 pm): I’m bringing a cake. I’m sure if it’s Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte, Werner will gladly allow me to do so.  _

_ Castiel N (4:18 pm): And I’ll send you a present later. _

**Dean W (4:20 pm): okay i’m officially turning off my phone and ignoring you**

**Dean W (4:22 pm): no cake.**

Castiel must take the threat seriously, because Dean’s phone stops buzzing. He’s able to forget all about Castiel and his promises of cake and presents until he’s crawling into bed. As he plugs in his phone charger, he notices another text from Cas. 

_ Castiel N (9:38 pm): For the birthday boy.  _

Then there’s a link to a video and without so much as a second thought, he clicks on it.

A video loudly starts playing, making Dean jump as he scrambles to turn down the sound (only to remember that he lives  _ alone _ so who gives a fuck if it’s loud). The video shows a man on all fours, completely naked, bound by a length of black rope, and gagged. He’s whining loudly around the ball gag as he’s approached from behind. 

The camera doesn’t bother showing the other person, keeping the focus instead on the way the man writhes against his bindings. 

_ “Happy birthday, big boy.” _ The woman steps enough into frame that it’s clear she’s holding a rather large paddle.  _ “You ready for your birthday spanking?” _

The man nods and moans, sticking his pert ass even higher for her to easily reach.  _ “Good. You’re turning twenty this year, so that’ll be twenty spanks. You ready?” _ Again he nods, wiggling his ass enough that his dick bobs back and forth.  _ “Good boy.” _

She then proceeds to whack him twenty times as hard as she can. His ass turns bright red after only the first few swings, but the guy’s clearly into it if the precome leaking onto the floor is anything to go by. The video ends after the spanking’s done, and Dean has no fucking idea how to process what just happened.

Cas sent him porn as a birthday present. That is both the sweetest and most bizarre thing a friend’s ever done for him.

Dean certainly does  _ not _ jerk off to said porn that night and he most definitely does  _ not _ imagine Cas bending him in half to spank him thirty times. Nope. Not at all.

The new semester starts a few days later and lo and behold, Castiel actually  _ does _ bring a cake. That fucker. Dean walks into class only to find Castiel diligently handing out a slice to everyone in class. There’s even a huge slice with a candle in it for waiting for Dean. 

Worst of all, it’s a damn tasty piece of cake.

After that, it’s a smooth transition from movie nights back to beers at  _ The Front Door _ . While it’s not as comfy as his recliner, it’s definitely neutral territory. No risk of kisses or heartfelt confessions here. Just a nice, ordinary evening at their usual spot.

Except that it’s actually crowded for once. Students are gathered around the bar and loudly discussing how they hate or love their classes so far (after one week? ridiculous). They barely manage to get a spot at the bar, Castiel snatching up an empty chair as soon as a few guys go to play pool in the game room. 

Worse yet, there’s a new bartender. It actually only bugs Dean since the old one knew their names and their orders. Now they have to shout over the noise and hope she gets it right. 

“I’m not a fan of this,” Dean says while pointing around the bar. “I liked it better when it was just some drunk professors hiding in the corner.”

Castiel shrugs. “This is an earlier class. Not that surprising. Though I agree, I like not having to yell to have a conversation.”

“Here you go boys,” the bartender says with a wink as she drops off their first round of beers. “Anything else I can get for you?”

“We’ll have some jalapeno poppers,” Castiel says while he sniffs his beer. “Thank you.”

“No problem.”

As soon as she’s out of earshot, Dean leans over. No use in whispering, but he doesn’t want to have to scream what he’s about to say in case the bartender overhears. “I kinda miss the old bartender. What was his name?”

“Rufus?” Dean can’t hear it, but he’s pretty sure Castiel snorts. “I’ll admit, his surly attitude was entertaining. But this new girl is very attractive. I can actually see myself fucking her, which despite Rufus’ charms I can honestly say I never imagined happening with him.”

Dean, to his utter embarrassment, chokes on his drink and turns bright red. Mostly because the mental image of Cas bending the bartender over and taking her from behind is far more arousing than he would’ve thought it to be. 

Luckily the jalapeno poppers arrive and he’s saved from having to deal with that.

“I hope next week it’s not this crowded.” Dean grabs a jalapeno popper and immediately drops it. Damn thing’s too hot to even pick up, no way it’s going in his mouth right now. “I barely got any elbow room.”

“I can’t make it next week.” 

Dean’s heart immediately sinks in disappointment. He’s already getting ready to dismiss it as no big deal when Cas continues.

“I thought maybe instead you could come out to this fundraiser a friend of mine is having. It’s at a bar downtown and her band will be playing most of the evening.”

“Oh.”  _ Is this a date is this a date is this a date is this a _ — “Yeah, sounds like fun. Fundraiser, huh? Should I try to bring some people?”

“That would be a great idea.” Cas actually has one of his rare big smiles on now, the one with dimples and that hints at gums. It almost makes up for the fact that this is definitely  _ not _ a date.

Which is what Dean wanted. No dates. 

Fuck. 

“Cool.” He does his best to play off his momentary heart attack. “I’ll try to get Benny, Charlie, and Jo on board. Maybe see if Garth wants to come.”

“Perfect. I can text you the information. I don’t even know which bar they’re doing it at. I have it written down somewhere.”

“Yeah, just get it to me when you can. I’ll be there.”

Castiel smiles sincerely at him. “Good. I look forward to it.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean meets Jimmy

**** The bar’s actually more what Dean would consider a dive, but the drink specials look promising so he’s not going to complain. There’s no official stage or anything, just an area roped off that’s more or less in the center of the admittedly large space. It’s not crowded yet, but most of the tables are gone and some people are starting to stand around by the equipment. 

It doesn’t take long to spot Cas standing at a high top towards the back, so Dean leads his friends over. When Dean gets closer, he almost trips over his own feet in surprise because  _ that _ … that is  _ not _ Cas. The doppelganger must feel eyes on him, because he looks up before Dean can figure out what to do. He looks at Dean approaching with his entourage with curiosity before a predatory smile edges onto his face.

Dean’s feet carry him over to the table despite his growing confusion, and he stops awkwardly at the edge. 

“Dean, so glad you could make it.” 

Even the  _ voice _ isn’t Cas. What the fuck?

“Good to see you again, Castiel,” Benny says as he steps around Dean. Jo and Charlie do the same, asking questions about the band and the fundraiser before Dean’s brain restarts. 

“Who  _ are  _ you?” 

The group stops talking immediately, his friends’ mouths dropping open in surprise and the fake Cas tilting his head in a pretty good impression of Dean’s friend. Really,  _ really _ good impression.

“Dean, I’m Cast—” Then he snorts on a laugh and can’t hold back a huge grin. “Sorry, I’m just fucking with you. Hi, I’m Jimmy, Cas’ twin brother.” He holds out a hand which Dean warily accepts. Benny, Jo, and Charlie exchange embarrassed looks but Jimmy doesn’t seem the least bit fazed by the mistake.

“Don’t worry about it, happens all the time. I’m just surprised Dean could tell us apart. What gave me away? Is it that I’m more handsome? I bet it’s because I’m more handsome.”

“Uhhh…” Dean’s saved from answering by Castiel’s appearance at the table. He drops a beer off for his brother and offers his own to Dean. “Yes, please, thank you.” He’s not even thirsty, but he needs something to distract him from this situation. 

Dean shuffles awkwardly on his feet for a bit while Castiel finishes off the introductions and answers their questions about the fundraiser and show. Castiel’s friend Anna is trying to help raise money for a local animal shelter, and her band volunteered to play. They’re taking donations and the bar’s donating half their profits from the evening to the cause. Which is all well and good, but Dean can’t stop staring at Jimmy Novak.

Jimmy Novak, with nearly identical features to his brother but still somehow completely different. Jimmy Novak, who speaks in a completely different register from his brother and uses completely different words. Jimmy Novak, who actually  _ gets _ Dean’s jokes the first time without Dean needing to explain the reference. 

Jimmy fucking Novak.

“So is Cas still a serious stick in the mud in class?” Jimmy asks while nudging Dean with his elbow.

“Huh?”

It’s just the two of them at their table right now. Cas took the others to introduce them to Anna, and Dean had been too out of it to tag along.

“Cas was always super serious in high school. Wrote down everything the teachers said, did his homework as soon as he got home, raised his hand for every question… He still that bad or has he lightened up?”

“Oh. Uh, he’s kinda like that. But I think he already knows all of it, so he doesn’t really take a lot of notes. Doesn’t raise his hand either, unless no one else will.”

“Well, that’s a bit of an improvement, I guess.” Jimmy winks at Dean as he takes another sip of his beer. 

Dean’s screwed. Absolutely, completely, utterly screwed. He’s only a half hour in, and he likes Jimmy just as much as he likes Cas. Which is actually kind of surprising, because he thought he’d had a  _ huge _ crush on Cas. The idea that he could like his brother just as much so quickly… 

Luckily, Jimmy’s chatty and doesn’t give Dean the chance to dwell on it too much.

“So I hear you’re this super smart engineer who makes cars or something.”

“Or something,” he agrees. “I hear you’re Cas’ brother, and that’s about it. Didn’t even know you were twins.”

“Cas tends to forget that little detail. It’s so normal to him, he forgets most people don’t have an exact duplicate walking around.” Dean wants to remind him that  _ he _ could tell them apart, but Jimmy moves right along. “I work at a greeting card company.”

“And what exactly does one do at a greeting card company?” Dean pictures Jimmy sitting behind a desk doing accounting or marketing or something, wearing a suit and tie like his brother. Though probably something a little more exciting than a blue tie. Maybe he’s got Looney Tunes or a glow in the dark tie instead.

“I design the cards. I do the drawings and come up with the blurbs inside.”

“Wow that’s… that’s different.”

“Mmhmm. And I’m sure it sounds cool and fun and all that, but it’s boring as fuck.”

Dean starts a little to hear Jimmy curse. Not that Castiel hasn’t dropped a few f-bombs, but never so casually. “How come?”

“It’s repetitive. The same hackneyed endearments holiday after holiday. I’ve tried to suggest new ones, but they’re not interested in anything offbeat. They want the classics like,  _ To my dearest son on his birthday, you will always be my little boy. _ I’d rather write ones like  _ To my thirty-year old, freeloader son on his birthday, I love you, but gtfo. _ ”

Dean chokes on his beer before bursting out in laughter. “You’re kidding right? I mean, I really hope you’re not, but—”

“Oh, I’m fucking serious.” Jimmy pulls out his phone and pulls up some examples of his work. He hands it over and lets Dean scroll through the ridiculously hilarious and random cards. The puns are on point and the drawings are pretty good. Definitely cartoon-y but perfect for the cards. 

“These are pretty hilarious. How come your company won’t print them? That Star Trek one was especially awesome.”

Jimmy shrugs as he closes his phone and puts it away. “No balls, no sense of humor, no interest in listening to me make the same pitch again. Take your pick. Can’t wait til Cassie’s done with school so I can quit and finally start up our business.”

It takes a couple seconds for everything to click into place. “Cas is getting a business degree.”

“Yeah.”

“To help you start up a business.”

“Also yes.”

“Where you’re going to sell greeting cards.”

“And flowers. You know, Cas may have oversold how smart you are.”

“Shut up,” he says automatically, though internally he beams at knowing Cas thinks he’s smart and told his brother as much. “Flowers?”

“That’s Cas. He’s somewhat of a closet horticulturalist. Obviously we don’t have a greenhouse or anything, but he and some of the other tenants have a garden up on the roof of our building. He’s got a whole bunch of plants up there. Mostly flowers, but some herbs and some other stuff. Besides, flowers and cards go hand in hand, so it’s a good mix. I’ll do all the day to day shop stuff, write the cards, and do advertising. Cas’ll do the flowers and the books. He’s about as miserable as I am at his job, anyway, so we figured it was time to make a change.”

“That’s pretty awesome, I gotta say. Good on you two, trying to do something different and not settling for jobs you don’t like.”

“Not you though? You’re not taking classes to get a degree to escape a job you don’t like?”

“I’m taking classes to get a degree to  _ keep  _ a job I love. Though I think in the long run, it’s kind of the same thing.”

“Except you’re not miserable in the process.” Jimmy finishes off his beer. “You want another one?”

“I’m good.” 

The music’s about to start and he catches sight of Charlie’s red hair right up front by the band. He considers going over, but he’s more than comfortable where he is. And yeah, maybe he’s selfishly trying to steal some more time with Cas (and now Jimmy, because apparently his stupid brain sees endless possibilities with either of them  or both ), but he also doesn’t feel like pushing his way through the crowd and getting all sweaty. 

Jimmy’s barely gone when Castiel reappears. “Jimmy behaving himself?”

“Yeah.” Now that Dean’s gotten used to Jimmy’s voice, hearing Cas’ deep timbre throws him off for a split second. “Tells me you two plan on going into business together. How come you didn’t tell me that?”

Castiel shrugs. “I mentioned wanting to start a business, I’m sure. I suppose I forgot to mention the specifics of it. Besides, Jimmy has more fun telling people about it. It’s his baby, I’m just there to support him.”

“I thought you’d be doing the flowers.”

This makes Castiel’s eyes go wide and his ears go red. Did he manage to actually  _ embarrass _ Castiel? Unflappable, always composed Cas? Dean wants to interrogate him more on the flower thing, but Cas cuts him off by pointing toward the bar.

“I know he probably showed you some examples, but he only shows off the obvious things like Valentine’s Day and Birthdays. You should ask him about his ‘unique occasion’ cards.” 

“Okay, I’ll bite. What the hell are ‘unique occasions’?”

Jimmy steps up to the table with a manic smile on his face. “Did someone say ‘unique occasions’?” He hands off his beer and shakes out his arms a little and turns around. When he turns back, Jimmy starts talking in this cheesy, showman voice. “Tired of not having a card to mark the  _ important _ —and not so important—occasions in your life? Birthday cards are a dime a dozen, but where are you going to turn to when you need something more  _ specific _ ? The answer is simple: Greetings and Carnations, a store designed just for your apology, celebratory, and other gift-related needs. Any time a situation arises that calls for something more than a text message, don’t worry, we’ve got a card for that.”

“Is he for real about that?” Dean asks Cas.

Cas is deadly seriously as he answers, “Yes. Tell him, Jimmy.”

Jimmy’s smile is so bright, so big and open, that it shouldn’t fit on a face that looks like Cas’. But somehow, it does. “Accidentally forget to take out the trash like your spouse asked? We’ve got a card for that. Get caught by your boss at an amusement park on a sick day? We’ve got a card for that. Lose your neighbor’s pet while they were on vacation? We’ve got a card for that. Your boyfriend run out on you because he met his soulmate and you want to tell him to suck it? Hell, we’ve got a card for that too!”

Any enjoyment Dean had in the situation dissolves right then and there. His face freezes in this mix between amusement and pain. 

The twins share an alarmed look before Jimmy blurts out, “Oh fuck, did that happen to you?”

Dean counts to ten in his head and swallows the lump in his throat. He’s over this. It’s been months. He’s over it. He just needs a second to calm down.

“Course not.” His voice is a bit shaky but he recovers quickly enough. “It was uh… It was my girlfriend.”

“Well, I feel like a fucking asshole.”

“You  _ are _ an asshole though.”

Jimmy pushes his brother. “Seriously, I’m sorry—”

“Don’t worry about it. You didn’t know. I’m over it, anyway.” That last part is at least half true. That’s certainly an improvement. “Hey, the band’s starting up.”

As the first few notes of the sound check start, Jimmy sheepishly takes the offered out. He sends another apologetic look Dean’s way, but turns to face the band. Cas places a hand on Dean’s shoulder and gives a quick squeeze. Dean sees what he hopes is sympathy in Cas’ eyes. Hopefully it’s at least not pity.

The rest of the evening’s pretty uneventful. Well, except for Jo making out with Cas’ band friend Anna. That’s pretty hilarious, seeing Anna come back on after the band took a break with her hair a mess and lipstick marks on her neck. Jo’d very loudly announces how proud she is of her handiwork, and both twins look impressed. It’s actually a welcome distraction, getting Cas and Jimmy (and to a lesser extent, Dean himself) to forget about the whole Lisa thing.

It still keeps him up that night, rolling around on his bed and cursing the fact that he’s such a fucking mess over it. 

(“You deserve better, Dean.”

“Shut  _ up _ , Sam.”)

A card arrives in Dean’s mailbox the next day in a plain blue envelope. Inside, the card has a cartoon version of Jimmy with his foot in his mouth, holding a purple and yellow pansy. An  _ actual _ pansy, glued down gently enough that Dean can pull it off without hurting it. Dean chuckles as he opens the card and reads the handwritten note: 

_ Dean,  _

_ Sorry for being an ass and not  _ _  
_ _ knowing when to shut the fuck up. _

— _ Jimmy _

_ P.S. Told you  _ — _ a card for every occasion ;) _

He’s really starting to like this guy.

Somehow Jimmy gets a hold of his number. The obvious suspect is Cas, but based on the content of the message, he finds that unlikely. It’s not until later that he learns that Jimmy got a hold of his number from Anna who got it from Jo. But when he first gets a text from a strange number, he’s completely baffled.

_ unknown number (10:01 am): did my brother send you porn for your birthday? _

**Dean W (10:49 am): Jimmy?**

_ unknown number (10: 53 am): unless you get a lot of people’s brothers sending you porn... _

Dean snorts and goes ahead and enters a new contact into his phone. 

**Dean W (10:55 am): don’t judge me**

**Dean W (10:55 am): if anyone should be judged here it’s cas**

**Dean W (10:56 am): not gonna lie it was weird**

**Dean W (10:57 am): how do you even know about it?**

_ Jimmy N (11:00 am): we only have one computer at the apartment and cas never clears his browser history _

_ Jimmy N (11:02 am): i know *i* wasn’t looking up “birthday boy spanking porn” _

**Dean W (11:05 am): … i am so fucking embarrassed**

_ Jimmy N (11:07 am): i assume because you jerked off to said porn _

_ Jimmy N (11:08 am): don’t worry i did too cas has good taste in porn _

**Dean W (11:11 am): you two are the weirdest fucking friends i’ve ever had i swear to god**

_ Jimmy N (11:12 am): uh huh _

_ Jimmy N (11:12 am): sounds like you’ve got some disappointing friends _

_ Jimmy N (11:13 am): if you’re not busy you should come out with us this weekend _

_ Jimmy N (11:14 am): we’re going to a brewery _

_ Jimmy N (11:15 am): maybe if you’re lucky cassie will be inspired to find you more porn ;) _

And just like that, he and Jimmy are friends.

As easily as Cas fit into his life, Jimmy does too. The three of them hang out together on weekends like they’ve known each other forever. Dean and Cas still go to the bar after class and work on assignments together, and it’s great. Jimmy turns out to be a huge movie nerd, so he and Dean end up seeing movies together, going to the theater every few weeks. He sees the twins so often they’ve basically become part of his regular circle of friends. Hell, there are weeks he sees them more than he sees Charlie, and they friggin  _ work _ together.

And it sucks. He has a crush on both of them, and it isn't seeing them as two halves of a whole or some insulting bullshit like that. He genuinely likes each of them for themselves. He loves Cas' dry sense of humor and general pop cultural aloofness, how his happiness or confusion or sadness is told by the microcosms of his expression. His  _ eyes _ tell it all. And then there’s Jimmy. He loves Jimmy's inability to take anything seriously and his carefree, full-bodied laugh he never tries to suppress. They’re both beautiful and smart and kind and everything Dean could ever want... 

But what’s the point of having a crush on one or even both of them if he’s never going to  _ do _ anything about it? It moved past a harmless crush a while ago. He’s in so deep, he hasn’t  _ thought _ about anyone but the twins in ages. Not since he first saw Cas flush with alcohol, and certainly not since that first time Jimmy winked at him over a beer bottle.

So he finds himself asking what his game plan is. What the fuck is he doing, torturing himself if he’s never going to do anything about his stupid crush? Crush _ es _ ? Ugh. It’s infinitely worse liking them both, having the temptation doubled every time he hangs out with them. The temptation to just lean over and—

And what? Kiss them? Ruin it all with one simple press of lips? Put an expiration date on any relationship or hookup the moment it starts? Because you gotta kiss the people you date, and no matter  _ what _ promises you tell each other, a non-soulmate relationship is built on nothing but doubt and fear. Fear that the other person will leave to find someone better.

Hell, that’s exactly what Lisa did. 

_ But what if you kiss them and _ —

It’s unfathomable. Dean’s made his peace with not having a soulmate. They’re so  _ rare _ . Common enough to get people’s hopes up, but not common enough for Dean to hang his future on. And if he’s being honest with himself, the best case scenario—that one of the twins is his soulmate—kind of sucks. Because he wants them  _ both _ . The idea of only getting one, well, he’d rather have neither.

The idea of choosing between them breaks his heart a little, so he promises himself he'll never do that. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas go to Germany

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning that this chapter contains a brief description of needles and an issue Jimmy had with them. If you get queasy with that type of thing, just a head's up.

****“I hate you so fucking much. I hate you I hate you I hate this this is awful I can’t fucking believe you talked me into this.”

Dean’s gripping the edges of his armrest so tightly his fingers have gone numb. His eyes are squeezed shut and he sees bright spots dance around in the blackness. The air smells recycled and artificial. And dry. Why is it so damn dry?

“Dean.”

He ignores the deep rumble and goes back to humming Metallica.

“Dean.”

 _Nope, not gonna stop humming. Won’t open my eyes. Can’t. Just gonna sit here for the next nine hours and hope we don’t_ **_die_ ** _._

“Dean.”

Dean jumps in his seat, but it’s not the insistent calling of his name that pulls him out of his own head. It’s the warm hand resting gently over his own. He blinks down at it, trying to understand what he’s seeing. Cas’ hand. On top of _his_ hand.

He doesn’t know whether to relax at the soothing contact or tense up more. But because it’s _Cas_ , hiis body decides it doesn’t care about Dean’s internal freakouts _—_ whether flying or Cas related _—_ and melts into the touch. He even stops grinding his teeth, something he didn’t even realize he was doing until his jaw loosens up with a soft _pop_.

“What’re you doing?” Dean whispers as he looks around. Nobody appears to be paying them any mind. And why should they? It’s not like they can hear the way Dean’s heart is jackhammering in his chest.

“Helping you relax. Since apparently you ‘hate me’ and ‘can’t believe I talked you into this.’”

“Did I say that?”

“You said a lot of things.”

“Sorry.”

“I take it you’re not a fan of flying.”

“You could say that.”

Castiel chuckles. They’d aced their spring German course. After they’d handed in their exams, Professor Werner had basically dragged them into her office and demanded they sign up for the summer trip to Germany. It’s a credit course, since there are actual lectures they need to attend, and they’ll be living in Munich for six weeks. Castiel had immediately agreed and looked to Dean.

Dean put off making a decision, saying he’d have to see if he could get the time off work. It’s not that Dean didn’t want to go to Germany. Or anywhere, really. He liked to travel. But there were two very obvious problems with this scenario. One being that he’d have to sit in plane for nine hours. _Both_ ways. And the other was he’d be rooming with Cas for six weeks. _Six weeks_.

But no only did his work give him the time off, they’d also offered to pay for the whole course. Munich has its own BMW plant, and they were even willing to pay for him to stay an extra week to tour the facilities and meet some of the staff there. They hinted at the possibility of a transfer there once he finished his degree.

Working on cars in Germany would basically be a dream come true.

Well, aside from the nightmare of actually _getting_ to Germany.

“That’s too bad. If I’d known you were so scared of planes, I wouldn’t have pushed you so hard to come.”

“It’s not like you had to twist my arm.” Dean still wants to get the fuck off this plane, but talking helps a little. “I wanted to come. I just wish I could drive there or take a train or something. Hell, a boat might’ve been a better bet. Should’ve taken a cruise ship over.” They laugh at that, though Dean is at least half serious. “Thanks for trying to help me calm down.”

“It was either that or listen to you babble like a madman for the next few hours.” Ever so slowly, Cas’ thumb starts moving over Dean’s left hand. It sends a tingle up Dean’s arm and he’s glad he’s wearing long sleeves because he can feel the goosebumps rising along his skin. He gulps, and turns helplessly to Cas.

Castiel, at least, seems unaware of how much Dean’s affected by the simple movement.

“Don’t tell him I told you this, but Jimmy’s terrified of needles. He was fine with them up until we were four. We were sick and very dehydrated, so our parents took us to the hospital. They got us IVs to get us some fluids. Mine was fine, but the nurse made a mistake putting his in. She missed the vein, so all the water was just getting pumped into the skin on the back of his hand. He kept complaining that it felt funny and it hurt, but they didn’t listen at first. By the time they got around to it, his hand was swollen with the extra fluid. And _then_ they had to stick him with the needle again to put in another IV line. Needless to say, he’s hated needles since then and isn’t a huge fan of hospitals, either.”

“Yeah, can’t say I blame him.”

“Every time we went to the doctor as children, I held his hand in an effort to calm him down.”

“Did it help?” As if Dean doesn’t already know from experience.

“A little. He still hated it and was shaking from how scared he was.” Softly, Cas continues, “But he shook less. I don’t know what he does now that he’s older. Mostly avoids going to the doctor, I suspect. He’d probably take me with him if he could.”

Dean huffs a laugh. He can imagine it now, the twins as grown men going to the doctor together just so Castiel can hold his brother’s hand and help calm him down while a nurse gives him a flu shot. Maybe Castiel will wipe the sweaty strands of hair from Jimmy’s brow, leaning down to kiss his arm better after _—_

Whoa, what the _fuck_ was that? Shit shit shit _abort—_

“So what’re you afraid of?” Castiel quirks an eyebrow, but Dean plows right ahead because there’s no way he’s giving himself time to think about _that_ mental image again. “I got planes, Jimmy’s got needles. What about you?”

Something dark crosses Castiel’s eyes, but he suppresses it quickly. For a second, Dean doesn’t think he’s going to get an answer, but then Cas grits out, “Balloons.”

“Balloons?” Dean repeats dumbly. Because seriously?

“Yes.”

“Oookay. There a story behind that, like with Jimmy and needles?”

“Is there a story behind you and planes?”

“Uh, there doesn’t _need_ to be a story. We’re flying in a metal death trap thousands of feet in the air _over an ocean_. Nothing about that sounds safe. Balloons are… Well, they’re balloons man.”

Castiel offers no counter point, so Dean lets it go. Instead he files it away to wonder about later.

The rest of the flight isn’t nearly as bad. At some point Castiel steals his hand back, but Dean’s too busy joking around with him that he doesn’t notice until later when his hand is cold. The landing is absolutely awful. Dean has no idea how the other passengers can be so calm as the plane jolts when it hits the runway; this is the single most terrifying experience in the world.

The city itself is amazing. It’s early morning when they land, but Dean can see the spark of life that he can’t wait to explore. He’s always loved traveling, and he knows he’ll love seeing what Munich has to offer.

But his nerves are shot and he’s exhausted, so they immediately head to the hotel. Dean hails a cab for them and is momentarily concerned that he doesn’t actually know any German at all. The driver is definitely speaking German, but Dean can only parse out every third word. Is his entire German career a lie? Where his professors only humoring him? Has he made a terrible mistake coming here?

Cas chuckles as he puts a reassuring hand on Dean’s shoulder and takes over, easily communicating with the cabbie. For the first time in a long time, his words dip into his Bavarian accent and the cabbie actually smiles at him.

“Glad you’re rooming with someone who speaks _bayerisch_?” Castiel jokes as they settle in for the ride to their hotel.

“Now I am. I thought people were exaggerating how different the accent is.”

“You’ll get used to it.”

If Dean’s serious about working here, he’ll have to.

Their school has a whole floor of the hotel for students attending their program. The hall is mostly empty at the moment. Classes don’t start for another two days, and they know several of their fellow students won’t be arriving until tomorrow. Which means it’s likely they only have each other for company for at least the next twenty four hours.

Not that Dean’s complaining.

Cas trudges into their room and takes the bed closer to the windows without even bothering to ask Dean. Dean’s actually amused at how presumptuous Cas is, but doesn’t comment as he takes over the bed by the door. The room is decently sized, with two double beds and enough space to walk around. He could do push ups or yoga in one part if he were so inclined (he is not).

There’s only one desk, though. Dean figures he’ll offer it to Castiel. In college he was perfectly content to sit on his bed and do homework, and he doesn’t think it’ll be much different now. As he swings his suitcase onto his bed, his back protests. Okay, maybe it’s a little different now.

By the time Dean’s unpacked _—_ no way he’s going to leave his clothes stuffed in his bags to wrinkle _—_ Cas has stripped down to nothing but his boxers and is sprawled out face down on his bed. He didn’t even bother getting under the covers, instead wrapping his arms around a pillow and melting into the bed. Cas doesn’t so much snore as breathe loudly as he sleeps, the sound of every inhale and exhale filling the empty spaces in the room.

Dean’s never seen so much of Cas’ skin before. At class he’s always in his suit. When they hang out, he tends to stick to button down shirts and sweaters that hide his frame. His arms are _huge_ ; thick biceps that were _made_ for all sorts of things Dean’s not sure he should let himself imagine. Like holding him down and riding him. Apparently his pants weren’t doing him justice, either, because Dean now has full view of muscular thighs and a tight but rounded ass.

His sigh is the only thing loud enough to drown out Cas’ not-snoring. Thank god Cas is asleep and didn’t catch him staring. Dean turns away and crawls into his own bed. As he nods off, he desperately tries not to think of doing things to that beautiful ass or how strong those thighs must be.

It’s gonna be a long seven weeks.

It takes two weeks for it to happen. Two weeks of sharing a small hotel room, watching Cas come back from a run with sweat soaked clothes and shorts that are just too damn short. Two weeks of catching glimpses of him dripping wet with a towel slung low over his hips. Two weeks of waking up to an eyefull of Cas’ morning wood because the guy always managed to shrug off his blankets during the night.

Two weeks of furiously jerking off every morning during his shower just to take the edge off. Because as attracted as he was to Cas before, living in close quarters with him only serves to amplify it tenfold.

Their classes _—_ as difficult as they are, with the intensive speaking practice, cultural excursions, and papers _—_ are a welcome relief. Because working his ass off means he’s too tired when they get back each evening to stare at Cas changing into his worn tee and sweats for bed. Okay he’s never too tired for that, but if he’s lucky his dick’s too tired to get hard.

The point is, Dean’s reached his breaking point. He’s thinking of heading out to a Biergarten to pick up a local hookup (which is admittedly on his bucket list, to hook up with a European chick or dude while in Europe) because jerking off is _not_ cutting it. Not when the hands he pictures on him are right on the other side of the door.

Oh fuck what would it feel like to have Cas _and_ Jimmy _—_

Jesus fucking Christ he needs to get laid.

Dean decides on a Friday evening for obvious reasons. He even spends his lunch break looking up decent pick up lines on his phone while Cas goes on and on about the Reunification. And so he won’t feel guilty about it later, he gets right to work on their homework once they’re back in the hotel after dinner.

So of course, the second he’s packing up his things and planning out what he’s going to wear, a huge boom of thunder rings out. Then there’s the unmistakable sound of rain pelting the building. His whole posture slumps over in defeat. Great, at least another day of unresolved sexual tension.

And yeah, part of him is admittedly pretty stoked about that. It’s not like he’s gotten bored of watching movies or TV with Cas. But he’d had his heart set on getting more action than his own right hand. Whatever.

Plopping down on his bed, Dean grabs for the TV remote from their shared nightstand and throws it at Castiel. He pouts through three random shows that he doesn’t follow (not because of the German, more because he has no friggin clue why there are dinosaurs in this one show and he doesn’t have the energy to find out).

After the last show ends, Castiel turns off the TV and carefully puts the remote back. Dean watches him, suddenly feeling like he’s a gazelle being stalked by a lion. He’d shiver, but that would mean acknowledging the look in Cas’ eyes.

Never turning his gaze away, Castiel sits up and faces Dean. "Wollen wir ein bisschen rummachen?" he asks far too casually.

Dean’s heart stops. “What?”

“I said, wollen wir ein bisschen rummachen? It means _—_ ”

“I _know_ what it means,” he sputters, thinking back to the long list of pickup lines he was reading early. “You wanna… you wanna fool around with me? I didn’t even know you were into guys.” _Yes yes yes I want to please—_

Castiel shrugs. “I’m flexible. And horny. We’re roommates, and I can hear how often you’ve been masturbating, so I know you’re horny too. We could help each other out?”

“I don’t… I’m not really looking for _—_ ”

“This is just about sex, Dean. I mean, I like you and all that, but I’m not looking for more right now.”

“Oh thank god,” Dean breathes out. He _so_ badly wants to get his hands on Cas, but without the pressure of dating. Wondering when not being soulmates will be enough to keep them together. It kind of feels like having his cake and eating it too.

“No kissing, though,” Dean says firmly. “On the lips, I mean. I don’t care about anywhere else.”

Cas raises an eyebrow at that. He looks at Dean’s lips, almost in disappointment, but gives in without much of a fight. “Of course, Dean.”

Despite Cas’ earlier bravado and Dean’s rapidly hardening dick, they come together hesitantly. It’s hard to know where to start without a kiss, but Cas dips down to nibble under Dean’s jaw line as his fingers work themselves under his shirt. Dean falls backwards and pulls Cas with him. Probably not the best idea, since he’s sandwiched between Castiel and the bed as he tries to wiggle out of his pants. The important thing, though, is he gets them off and then Cas’ hands are on him again, roaming farther south as his lips trail after.

Dean’s mesmerized by Cas tongue as it licks a stripe up his cock. Cas looks up at him through his eyelashes before mouthing at the head. “You look so good when you do that,” Dean whispers. He grabs the base of his dick and holds it up in invitation. Cas chuckles but accepts, swallowing him down expertly and making Dean arch off the bed. “Fuck, Cas. Fuck fuck _fuck_ keep going, don’t stop.”

He loses himself in the feeling of Cas’ mouth around him, his fingers massaging at his balls and then dipping down to trace along his rim. He doesn’t even realize he’s babbling til Cas pulls away with a grunt.

“Gonna have to shut you up,” Cas growls. Before he can ask what he means by that, Cas practically tears off his pants and turns around on the bed. His cock hovers an inch above Dean’s mouth, precome dripping down and making Dean lick his lips eagerly. “What are you waiting for?” Cas teases as he makes a shallow thrust along Dean’s cheek. “Let’s put that mouth of yours to good use.”

Dean doesn’t need to be told twice. He starts by licking Cas from root to tip, using his hands to massage Cas’ ass and hold his hips steady. Content that Dean’s doing a good job, Castiel takes Dean into his mouth again. Dean moans and desperately wants to return the favor, so he tilts his head, opening his mouth to let Cas push in. They mimic each other, subtly trying to first give and then take control as they speed up or slow down or merely hold the other’s cock deep in their throats, hands doing all the work as they tease or push into the other’s rim.

It’s no surprise that Dean breaks first, letting his jaw go slack and hoping Cas will take over. He does, fucking gladly into Dean’s mouth as he does his best to blow Dean with just as much enthusiasm. As if a reward for giving in, Cas comes first. Salty come streaks the inside of his cheeks, trickles down his tongue and makes him swallow reflexively.

Cas so vigorously thrusts into Dean’s hole that Dean has this idea that Cas is offended he hasn’t come yet. He tries to pull out, probably to find a better position, but Dean whimpers and wraps his arms around Cas’ waist, trapping his dick in Dean’s mouth. The resulting groan that reverberates straight through Dean’s dick has him spilling.

Only after Cas has licked him clean does Dean let him go, softening cock finally slipping free of his mouth. Cas collapses on the bed next to Dean and pants heavily. Not that Dean’s in better shape. He swears he sees stars and hasn’t quite come down from his orgasm yet. Fucking amazing.

“We should do that again,” Dean gasps, too exhausted to move.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Cas responds with a laugh. “We’ve still got four more weeks. I’m sure we’ll find the time.” He pats Dean’s leg affectionately, pads of his fingers digging in to rub briefly and hand lingering perhaps a beat too long. But then he’s pushing off the bed and grabbing their scattered clothes.

“Yeah?” He doesn’t even flinch when Cas tosses Dean’s pants onto his face. He’s still boneless, happily sated, so he laughs off the childish gesture.

“Whenever you’re game for some ‘roommate quality time’, I’m sure we can arrange something.”

“I know there are pants on my face, but I totally know you just used air quotes.”

The swat he receives isn’t nearly as gentle as the earlier contact had been. All it does is pull a laugh from Dean. Grounds him, even. Because it’s the perfect reminder that whatever’s going on between them doesn’t have to change a thing.

And it doesn’t. Over the next few weeks, their relationship is exactly the same. In class they work together, at meals they talk, and Cas is more than happy to tag along with Dean to tour the car facilities at the plant. No one seems to notice a difference or comment on anything being out of the ordinary. They’re still just Dean and Cas. Hell, even after the sex there’s nothing different. They’ll clean themselves up and go back to their beds, turn on the TV and joke around with each other until one of them passes out.

But in those heated moments, they’re something else entirely. As soon as the door to their hotel room is closed, Cas’ hands are down Dean’s pants to stroke him to full hardness and knead his ass. Then their clothes are gone (or pushed out of the way, at least) and they’re going at it.

It’s nothing but vigorous sex in a variety of ways that leaves Dean more than satisfied. Sometimes it’s just the quick exchange of handjobs then back to homework and studying. Sometimes it’s a blowjob while one watches TV, then they switch positions (though admittedly, they tend to spend more time running their hands through the other’s hair and watching as they bob back and forth more than they actually watch the show).

Dean’s favorite, though, is when Cas appears from the bathroom and saunters over to his bed, dropping his towel to reveal the black end of a butt plug. He’s nailed Cas into both of their beds so many times he’s surprised their neighbors haven’t complained. He’ll push Cas down and lift up his ass, pushing in without any extra lube just to draw out an extra deep groan from Castiel. Then he’ll drape over his back and build up a rhythm until the headboard’s banging against the wall.

They always fuck that way, with Dean behind Cas and plowing into him as hard and rough as he can. Cas likes the angle, likes it rough, and Dean likes that he can lean down to kiss Cas without the temptation of drifting too close to his mouth. Those dry lips always pursed so beautifully, making Dean want to move those extra few inches and _—_

And ruin things. He doesn’t know how, but he knows it will. They’re not even dating, so what is there to ruin? They’re friends that fuck. It’s _assumed_ that they’re not soulmates. Hell, what they’re doing isn’t anything _close_ to dating. The most romantic it gets is when Cas will gently tuck Dean’s dick back into his pants and zip him up. Sure, they lavish each other with kisses during sex, but half of them are nips followed by the warning scrape of teeth over the tender skin, so it doesn’t exactly count as romantic.

But there’s still some underlying _potential_ in what they are. The potential to transition from casual fucking to casual dating. Then into serious dating. And then, after Dean’s put all his hopes and plans for the future in a relationship with Cas, it’ll all come crashing down. So Dean steadfastly keeps to his no kissing rule. He’d rather have the illusion of that potential than have it crushed for good.

As the program’s winding down, after he and Cas have made use of pretty much every horizontal surface in their shared hotel room (and a couple of the vertical ones _—_ Cas is very enthusiastic about shower and wall sex), a small parcel arrives in the mail. It’s from Jimmy but addressed to both of them. Inside are about twenty little American flags, a stuffed bald eagle, a ridiculous sketch of George Washington as a pinup model, and a card for each of them.

Cas snorts at his card and puts it up on his side of the nightstand. Dean has a nearly identical one, and he figures he can guess pretty easily what the differences are.

The front of the card is a cartoon Jimmy again, holding up a bouquet in each hand with confetti falling all around. Both the bouquets and the confetti aren’t drawn in like the rest of the card, but are made of little pieces of dried flower petals. He holds off looking inside for a second, letting the anticipation build.

Dean’s not disappointed. When he reads the short note, he chuckles and rolls his eyes. Apparently both of the Novak brothers are pervs.

_Dean,_

_Congrats on banging my brother!_ _  
_ _Try not to break a hip or something ;)_

_— Jimmy_

A card for every occasion indeed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's past

****Despite having a January birthday, Dean was always younger than most of his peers. When his family moved from Lawrence, they’d found that Dean’s new second grade class was actually a decent bit behind his old one. After a lot of complaining with the administration, Dean was bumped up a grade. He went from being the oldest in his class to being the youngest, and at a new school no less.

Funny how that works.

It didn’t actually matter all that much. He settled in pretty quickly and made friends the first day. After a few short weeks, he was glad his parents had made him skip a grade. How else would he have met Charlie, Benny, Jo, and Garth? The five of them were _inseparable_ all through school. Word spread from elementary to middle school teachers about them—when a new school year started and the five of them would walk into class together, the teacher would roll their eyes and make a note on their seating chart.

Dean never went through the girls have cooties stage of his life, though there had definitely been times he wondered about Charlie and Jo, but he’d never really had any interest in dating. There’d been some tentative hand-holding with some girls (and guys) in middle school, sure, but even at the time they hadn’t counted it as “dating.” Dean stayed away from all that, especially after the drama that surrounded Becky and her myriad of boyfriends.

But then there was Cassie Robinson.

They’d gone to different middle schools and didn’t even meet until sophomore year when they had American Government together. And damn. Dean never stood a chance.

Cassie was beautiful and sweet but fiery and everything Dean could hope for in a girlfriend. He’d shyly asked her out, admittedly a little intimidated by her, and couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day when she’d said yes. They were inseparable after that. She turned sixteen a few months before him, and that’s when it went started going downhill.

Because when kids hit sixteen, everything changes. Soulmates weren’t just some distant thing you heard about in school or saw in the movies. It was something _you_ might have. And as soon as midnight hit on your sixteenth birthday, you were raring to go out there and find them.

But neither Cassie nor Dean were worried. In a few months, Dean would turn sixteen. They were naive and romantic enough to think that it’d all come together. They’d go out to celebrate Dean’s birthday. They’d kiss, sparks would fly, and they could start planning out their happily ever after and all that.

January 24th rolled around. Dean, Cassie, and a bunch of friends went out to celebrate. Just like they planned, they snuck away from the crowd.  Found a cozy little corner of the restaurant. Leaned forward to kiss and—

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Kissing Cassie used to be his favorite thing, and now it was empty. Proof that they weren’t meant to be together. Because once kids are acquainted with the idea of soulmates, they’re not willing to settle for anything less. Certainly not at sixteen, when there’s still so much time left to find their one true match.

But the first time always hurt the most. It hurt because it had _felt_ like they were soulmates. They got along _so well_. They finished each other’s sentences, they had the same interests, they got along with the other’s friends, the whole deal. What else could there be beyond that?

In frustration, Dean had leaned down to kiss her again. Maybe it hadn’t worked the first time. Maybe it’d work the second or third or tenth. Still nothing.

“It’s alright, Dean,” Cassie said as she hugged him tight. “It doesn’t matter. I still love you. I still want to be with you.”

“Yeah,” Dean agreed, wrapping his arms around her. “Me too.”

Of course it didn’t matter, they comforted each other. So few people actually _had_ soulmates to begin with. It could be meaningless, right? What they had was still special. It could last.

They broke up a few weeks later.

The way Cassie nervously chewed her bottom lip was forever ingrained in Dean’s mind. How she apologized and said she changed her mind. That she didn’t want to give up on finding her soulmate yet. Then she’d kissed him on the cheek and wished him the best.

Dean didn’t cry or sulk or anything like that. He took it like a man. Which means he buried his pain deep down and tried not to think about it. Walked around feeling numb and empty, but since that seemed better than the alternative, he didn’t complain.

His friends noticed because how could they not. He wasn’t exactly subtle about the way he avoided Cassie and scowled at the mention of soulmates.

So they dragged him to his first soulmate party. It was super in vogue amongst teengers to have kissing parties; what better way to find your soulmate, right? They tended to be pretty big, everyone bringing along friends from out of town so there was more of a chance of finding “the one.” Dean never thought he’d find himself here, in Gordon’s basement sitting in a circle playing spin the bottle at a friggin _soulmate_ party, but it wasn’t exactly the first disappointment life had dealt him.

And certainly not the last.

Over the remainder of high school, he endured party after party. One sloppy, awkward kiss after another. Dozens of kisses later, it didn’t even faze him anymore. Kiss a girl, nothing. Kiss a guy, nothing. Kiss his friends (“Just to be sure, Dean!” Jo huffed in annoyance. “A girl’s gotta be thorough!”), nothing. He swore one day he’d be so fed up with kissing, he’d cut his damn lips off. (“Don’t be so dramatic, you grump!” Charlie encouraged. “You’ll find someone!”)

Worse than never finding his own soulmate was actually _seeing_ it happen for other people right in front of him. Charlie met Dorothy through one of the damn parties. A quick peck on the cheek had ended with the two staring wide-eyed at each other, then immediately going in for more. He’d hooted and hollered with the rest of the party-goers, genuinely excited for his friend, but feeling even more empty.

Then it’d happened a few weeks later. Becky nearly attacked Chuck, someone’s third cousin or something who was attending the party. They’d kissed and Becky had stood up shouting in triumph, saying she’d felt the sparks. Strangely, Chuck looked less than convinced about the whole thing, but that was probably more his surprise at learning his soulmate was basically a blond ball of manic energy.

The kissing parties were still very much a thing once he got to college. With a student body of thousands, of course they were all interested in kissing everyone they could get their hands on. His first week of class, a girl was literally walking down the hallway grabbing every guy she came across and kissing him on the lips. Dean had never been more relieved when he’d felt nothing during a kiss. The girl had seemed mildly disappointed, but she moved on to the next guy with no more than a shrug.

For the first few years of undergrad, he still had the hope that it’d happen for him.

It didn’t.

He adjusted his hopes accordingly. Maybe he didn’t have to meet his soulmate, maybe just someone close enough that they wouldn’t mind that it wasn’t perfect. Who wasn’t so young and naive that they weren’t willing to settle for someone who was a little less than their perfect match. Maybe someone else used to disappointment and not wanting to deal with that anymore. Someone who would willingly take the uncertainty that maybe their soulmate was out there, in exchange for the certainty that what they had was a good thing.

Dean was lucky enough to find a few people willing to try. There was Aaron and Lydia and even Benny for a hot minute. But they’d all ended the same way. With the other wanting more than the comfortable relationship they’d built for themselves. Honestly, after it was over, Dean always felt _used_. Like he was a place holder, only there to help their ego recover from not having found their soulmate. Then once they were ready to try again, they dumped him like it was nothing.

Fuck, some of them were even _surprised_ that Dean thought their promises and commitments had been serious.

“Those are just things you say,” Lydia had said incredulously. “Everyone says it. Why did you believe it?”

“I thought you’d grow out if it,” Aaron admitted sheepishly. “Kinda figured you would.”

At least with Benny it’d been kind of mutual. They’d each been coming off of a bad breakup, soulmate related of course, and they’d gotten to talking. They figured the best chance a non-soulmate relationship had was if the two had started out as friends first. So they gave it a try. After a week, they realized that everything beyond the sex felt forced. Benny’s heartfelt, “Sorry, brother,” actually came as a relief.

But Lisa… Lisa had been the worst.

Mostly because she’d been the _best_. Everything he’d ever wanted in a relationship. She was hot and interesting and sweet and smart and wasn’t even remotely interested in soulmates. Hell, they’d only ever kissed because Dean had pushed for it a few months into dating. One kiss and no sparks, and Lisa had smiled sweetly at him. “Sorry, babe. I hope you’re not too disappointed. It doesn’t have to change anything between us.”

And Dean, idiot that he was, had believed her. He’d heard her tell him about her own bad luck finding a soulmate, and her utter disgust with the whole process. Lisa swore up and down she’d stopped caring about it years ago. She’d been left as many times as Dean over it, and she was _done_. Soulmate shmoulmate, if she had one, the guy could keep waiting forever because she had Dean.

It was probably so easy to believe Lisa about that because _she_ had genuinely believed it. Maybe it took a while for him to settle into being comfortable with Lisa, especially after Aaron and Lisa had made the same claims, but in the end, he couldn’t help but trust her. Trust that she had faith in them making it.

And then it all fell apart.

At Lisa’s office party that December, there’d been all the usual holiday decorations. A Christmas tree in the corner, decorated with candy canes. Ugly Santa and Elf hats that everyone wore with good humor. Terrible sweaters (he and Lisa had gone ahead and gotten a couple’s set—Lisa wore the front half of a reindeer and Dean had the back end). A menorah by the entryway bathing everyone in blue light as they come in. A table with dreidel games by the ornament decorating station.

Mistletoe hanging by the hot chocolate…

It was completely innocent. Dean knew that. Fuck, he’d been standing _right there_ . Of course he knew. Didn’t make it hurt any less when random guy from sales was caught standing under the mistletoe with Lisa. The crowd had chanted _kiss! kiss! kiss!_ until they’d laughingly agreed. Just a quick peck on the lips to appease their coworkers.

Lisa’s eyes had gone wide and so had the guy’s. Dean had seen it happen before so he knew right then and there.

To her credit, Lisa came back home with him and talked it over. She didn’t even _know_ the guy. What did it matter, right?

“Well, that’s great that I’m losing to a fucking stranger, but it doesn’t exactly change that I’m going to lose in the end.”

“Dean… I’m not leaving you.”

“Yeah right,” Dean laughed bitterly. “Maybe not today or tomorrow or even in a month from now. But they’re called soulmates for a reason. You’ll leave eventually.”

They argue all night, but Dean was firm. If his heart was going to be broken, he’d rather have it be now instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Wondering every day if this would be the day Lisa walked out on him.

Lisa packed up a bag and promised she’d come by while he was at work to get the rest of her things. Lingering at the door, she’d looked back and whispered, “I’m sorry Dean. I would’ve loved it to have been you.” Then she walked out of his life as though she hadn’t left a gaping hole in it.

Last he’d heard, Lisa and her mystery soulmate were engaged and expecting a kid. Lisa was out there living the life that _they’d_ planned on building together with some other guy.

After he found that out, Dean swore he wouldn’t put himself in that position again. He’d stick to casual dating and one night stands. No kissing, no exceptions.

With his track record, he probably wasn’t cut out for much more than that, anyway.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gets to know Jimmy better

**** They keep it up throughout the rest of their stay. The program ends and they’re so relieved they barely make much use of the extra week they’ve given themselves. Dean takes more visits to the BMW facilities and talks to some of their engineers, and Cas takes a couple days to go to Mittenwald. After visiting his former au pair and her family, he marches back into their hotel room, pushes Dean onto his bed and blows him. Then for good measure, Cas looms over him and jerks off right on top of Dean’s spent cock. 

It’s so damn hot Dean just about loses his mind.

And it drives home how this thing with Cas is pretty much ideal. There’s sex and maybe a few feelings, but mostly just sex. Cas seems genuinely disinterested in dating Dean (or anyone else for that matter). It’s the two of them getting each other off and then hanging out or studying together afterwards. 

The only weird part is when they first get back home. 

Dean takes some cold medicine on the flight to knock himself out. Partly for his fear of flying, partly because he’s too scared Castiel will make good on his promise to make them members of the mile high club. He’s pretty sure the mix of adrenaline and endorphins from getting blown in the cramped airplane bathroom would kill him. 

So the whole flight home, he doesn’t have time to think about things. But as they wait in baggage claim, he starts to wonder if this friends with benefits thing they’ve got going on is  _ still _ going on. Was that a Germany only thing? Does Dean even  _ want _ it to keep happening now that they’re back home?

He’s got himself so worked up that he’s a bundle of nerves when Jimmy’s car pulls up to pick them up. They stuff their bags in the trunk and dance awkwardly around each other as they try to figure out who’s going to sit where. Jimmy groans and steps between them, physically pushing his brother into the back seat while opening the passenger door for Dean. 

“So…” Jimmy starts with the faked nonchalance. “How was the trip?”

“I texted you every day,” Castiel says from the backseat, fiddling with his phone. From what Dean’s learned over the past month, all Cas uses his phone for is texting and playing word games. And he’s guessing that right now it’s Scrabble. “You know how it was.”

“Uh huh, you sure did. Thrilling play by play of your coursework and TV binge watching. Thank you for that.” Jimmy shakes his head in exasperation. “And you’re an idiot if you think I’m asking about the actual trip and not about you two banging. Or not banging. I wasn’t getting a whole lot of updates on that. You can text me what you ate for dinner but forget to tell me if you two are still blowing each other on the regular.”

He throws a look to Dean that screams  _ Brothers, amiright? _

Dean’s starting to wish he’d taken a cab.

Castiel doesn’t even look up from his phone. “And you decided now would be the most appropriate time to bring it up? While we’re trapped in a car with you?” If Dean didn’t know Cas as well as he did, he’d think he was pissed at his brother. As it is, he can hear the subtle difference telling him it’s annoyed amusement rather than actual anger.

“You two were just trapped on a plane for a million hours together, don’t pretend like I’m springing this on you.” Jimmy looks in the rearview mirror. Dean sees his grin melt into shock, then it begins to mirror the same discomfort he’s been feeling since he got in the car. “Shit, you guys haven’t seriously talked about this yet, have you?”

“No, we have not,” Dean says. 

Jimmy shoots him an apologetic look. “Whoops.”

“Dean slept the whole ride back. He was out cold before we even took off. I had to physically pull him out of his seat to wake him up.”

“Okay, that’s a hilarious mental image that I may or may not use in an upcoming card.” He turns pointedly to Dean, silently warning him that  _ he _ might need use of that very card. “But should I make myself scarce for a bit so you two can talk?”

“While you’re driving?” Castiel asks incredulously, finally looking up from his phone.

Dean twists around in his seat to get a better look at Cas, to gauge how he feels about talking it out. “I think he meant when he drops me off.” 

“Oh.” Castiel doesn’t fidget or break eye contact or so much as blink. He simply remains there, cool as a cucumber. Watching Dean carefully, he continues, “There’s no need. I don’t mind having an audience. I’d like to continue having intercourse with you, if at all possible. I understand that we haven’t yet discussed the longevity of such an arrangement, but now that we’re back—”

“Oh my  _ god _ . Your brother is literally right here.” Dean reaches out and shakes Jimmy’s shoulder, as though he’s not terribly convinced that’s true. Maybe he’s still on the plane, having some flu med induced hallucination. 

“I know.” Castiel shrugs. “He already knows we’ve had sex. I’m sure he’d find out if we continue to do so or stop. Why wait until he’s out of earshot, only for him to find out afterwards?”

Dean gaps at Castiel. He’s learned firsthand that Cas doesn’t have a whole lot of boundaries, at least not when it comes to sex, but the idea of hashing this out with Cas’  _ twin _ right there? That’s weird, even for him.

“Don’t even ask how awkward it was sharing a prom limo with him,” Jimmy mutters under his breath. “Don’t mind me. Pretend I’m not listening. Fuck, speak in German for all I care. I don’t remember anything other than  _ time for a bath _ and  _ be nice to your brother. _ ” Jimmy’s Bavarian accent is even thicker than Castiel’s, though that may just be a side effect of him not actually speaking the language.

_ “Would you like that, Dean?” _ Castiel chuckles in German. “ _ Would you like to take a bath?” _

“I might not know how, but I’m ninety percent sure you somehow took what I just said and made it dirty.”

Dean’s head is about to explode. 

“Okay, you.” He points sternly at Jimmy and hopes he looks appropriately menacing. “Drive. Listen or don’t listen, I don’t give a shit, but for the love of god stop talking.” 

Jimmy mimes sealing his lips and throwing away the key. Only when Dean’s convinced Jimmy’s attention is (mostly) on the road, does he turn back to Cas. When he points at him, his expression softens a little. “And you… I am totally fine with doing what we’ve been doing, but we might wanna discuss…  _ logistics _ .”

“Well, I’d prefer your place since I’m curious about the memory foam—”

“I  _ meant, _ ” Dean interrupts, equal parts fond and  _ done _ with this whole conversation, “maybe we should talk boundaries. Like not talking about this sort of personal stuff in front of your brother. I don’t like airing my dirty laundry for the peanut gallery over here. No offense, Jimmy.”

Jimmy nods and happily answers… except his mouth is shut so all it is is meaningless noise. Castiel kicks his seat and Jimmy rolls his eyes while unlocking his mouth. “I said, none taken.” There’s another kick that does nothing to dampen Jimmy’s shit-eating grin.

“What? I can’t talk with my mouth sealed shut.” Dean joins in the abuse and hits Jimmy’s bicep. Even so, he can’t fully suppress a chuckle. “I see why you like him, Cassie, he’s hot when he’s feisty.”

“I know.” Fuck, is Cas actually  _ smug _ ?

“Would you two  _ not _ gang up on me? It’s not fair.” Dean throws his hands up in defeat and leans back against the headrest.

The silence that follows lasts a whole twenty seconds before Jimmy stage whispers, “He sounds a little tense. Think you got enough room to reach around the seat and give him a hand job to calm him down?”

“I would if he asked, but I suspect that’s an example of the ‘personal stuff’ he would rather not do in front of you.” Dean doesn’t even have to look to know Castiel’s pleased expression.

Rubbing his temples, Dean sinks further into his seat. “Ugh, you two are gonna kill me.”

The brothers laugh all the way back to Dean’s place.

The first time they fuck after getting back, things are still awkward. Mostly because having sex with a friend while overseas seemed reasonable and normal. Okay, maybe not  _ normal _ , but still. Continuing to have sex with your friend once you’re back home stretches into unfamiliar territory for him. 

The closest he’s had to a “friends with benefit” situation is Benny, and that was a term that could only really be applied after the fact since at the time they were legitimately trying to date.He and Cas are definitely  _ not _ trying to date. It’s them behaving the same as always, except now there’s sex. In Dean’s living room. And bedroom. And once a handjob at the movies. 

It’s jarring, is all. Luckily his dick doesn’t have the same reservations as him and performs admirably in the wake of his internal freakout. 

After that, it’s pretty easy. They hang out like usual, but if they’re alone at Dean’s place, it’ll usually result in some kind of sex. Occasionally, Cas will text or call for a booty call. There are a few time Dean does the same—mostly because he’s so desperate to hear those breathy moans Cas makes when he’s getting close, Dean can’t get enough of it—but it’s something he tries not to indulge in too much. 

Either way, their booty calls usually end up with them watching a movie or getting dinner together. It blurs the lines of ‘friends with benefits’ and ‘friends that are dating’ a little more than Dean’s comfortable with. Which is why he firmly ignores it.

They’re in bed one night, recovering from a rather enthusiastic round of sex against the wall, when Cas sighs. “This was fun, but we’re probably going to have to cut back once the semester starts.”

With their proficiency exams looming ahead, that’s not a bad idea. Still stings a bit, especially since the marathon sex they’d had in Germany has already fizzled out to a weekly thing. There hasn’t been as much time and opportunity as when they were roommates. Half the time they see each other, they’re out or with other people, and neither situation exactly lends itself to a quickie.

Never mind that Cas hasn’t seemed as horny as in Germany, either. Dean’s thought a lot about that, trying to figure out the cause. Maybe it was the close quarters that got him worked up. Or being overseas. Or maybe Cas has another hookup in town, and between this other person and Dean, he’s sated and doesn’t need more. 

If Dean had the balls, he’d ask Cas about it. He has no doubt Cas would answer truthfully. The guy’s too blunt to sugarcoat things either. Hell, there might even be an invitation for a threesome in there, too. Dean’s not ready to handle  _ any _ of that, so he pretends it’s not an issue.

“Dean?”

It’s  _ not _ an issue, anyway. It’s not like they’re dating. Because Dean Winchester doesn’t date. No exceptions.

“Dean, are you listening?”

Maybe he should make one.

“Huh?” He snaps back to reality.

“Are you alright with that? Not having sex as often once classes start up again?”

“Yeah, that’s cool. Between work, studying, and school I won’t have much time, anyway.”

“Mmm,” Castiel hums as he does a full body stretch. Joints pop and his muscles roll smoothly beneath taut skin. The man’s a work of art. “Me neither. I’ve doubled my course load. I really want to graduate in December if possible. Hopefully I can manage the work, otherwise I might have to drop a class.”

“Well good luck.” Dean yawns into arm as his eyes droop. There’s no point in asking Castiel to stay. He never spends the night. As predicted, he squeezes Dean’s ass and hops off the bed to fetch his clothes. “I expect an invite to your graduation party.”

“Of course.”

Dean isn’t even surprised when he wakes up and finds a video waiting for him. As soon as he sees it’s from Cas, he’s got a suspicion about what he’ll find when he clicks it. 

Cas must have a bondage thing going on, because there’s a man tied to a chair. He’s wearing nothing but a graduation cap and gown, the front tented obscenely. His graduation cap is tipped over his eyes making it impossible for him to see the two men standing on either side of him. They proceed to take turns fucking into the man’s mouth, sharing him readily and praising what a good job he does with their cocks. 

In the end, the one on the left takes over and starts pounding into his throat while the guy on the right jerks off onto his face and cap. It’s so fucking hot, Deans thrusting into his mattress, working a hand between his body and the sheets and coming all over himself just as the video ends.

Cas really does have mighty fine taste in porn.

He barely sees Cas for the next week or so. They both have work and school, and now that they’re not taking German anymore, their schedules never seem to line up. There are a few Skype calls to practice for the proficiency exam (which may or may not end in video sex). 

And all that time without  _ really _ seeing Castiel face to face gives Dean ample time to freak out about the fact that Cas had sent him a  _ threesome _ porn vid. Is he trying to test the waters, see if maybe Dean would be open to something like that? 

All these scenarios play out in his head. Cas introducing him to whoever else he might be fucking. The three of them having the sort of friends with benefit thing he and Cas currently do. The filthy things Cas would convince Dean and this other man (or woman?) to do to each other, to him… 

But then his worst fears conjure up something completely different. Of a Castiel who finds his soulmate, but still wants to have sex with Dean. Who brings Dean into that relationship. And yes, there’d still be the sex and all the fun stuff. It’d be almost the same as the first scenario he’d imagined. Except at the end of the day, Cas would have his soulmate and Dean would go home alone. It would just compound his feelings of worthlessness, make it abundantly clear that his only useful attributes in a relationship are for sex and not for companionship or affection. Or love.

Not that he thinks Castiel has a soulmate that he’s keeping hidden or anything. That’s the thing with irrational fears, though, they don’t have to make sense. No matter how many times he tells himself to let it go and not worry about it, it stays on the edge of Dean’s mind. It’s there beneath the surface of every interaction he has with Cas. 

Which leaves him with two options. Bring it up to Castiel and talk it out. Dean’s obviously not a fan of that idea. It leaves him too vulnerable and will push whatever it is they’re doing towards its inevitable conclusion. Meaning he’ll have to go with his second option.

“Hey Jimmy…” he starts. 

Cas’ schedule might be full, but Jimmy’s not in school. As he readily complains to anyone who’ll listen, his job isn’t difficult or interesting. Day after day it’s the same thing. Meaning as soon as 5:01 pm hits, Jimmy’s looking for a beer and any drinking buddy he can find. Dean’s well acquainted with Jimmy’s favorite bar, so on any giving day it’s only a matter of stopping by and finding him.

On this lovely Friday evening, that’s exactly what Dean had done. Now they’re two shots of Fireball and three beers in, and Dean figures this is as good a time as any to bring it up.

Jimmy finishes his drink and smacks his lips. “What’s up?”

“So…”

“Oh no.” Jimmy’s good mood vanishes as his warily takes in Dean’s expression and tone. “No no no, not you too. Ugh,” he whines before banging his head on the bar a few times. He regains his composure and sits up, nodding to Dean. “Alright, let’s get this over with. Go ahead. Ask about Cas.”

“What?” Dean tries to laugh off. “What makes you think I want to ask about Cas?”

“You’ve got that…  _ look _ .” He sweeps his hand in the direction of Dean’s face and shakes his head. “I know that look. I’ve seen that look before on half a dozen guys and women over the years. At  _ least _ . That’s the ‘where are things going with Cas? I know! I’ll ask his twin brother for help’ look. That’s the look that comes before awkward questions and loud, angry breakups.”

“That’s a very specific look.”

“It’s a very specific situation.” Jimmy waves over the bartender and motions for another beer. There are perks to being a regular, since she bypasses the other drink requests and pours him another glass. Only once it’s in his hand does he seem remotely ready to continue. “Look… I love Cas. He’s my brother. But he’s  _ terrible _ at this sort of shit. But you’re my favorite of all the guys he’s fucked, so I’m gonna be honest with you.”

Dean’s too drunk and too far into this conversation to be able to back out like a coward. He stays where he is, sitting solemnly and waiting for whatever bad news Jimmy’s about to lay on him.

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Jimmy puts his hands over Dean’s cheeks and brings him in close. “It’s not  _ that _ bad. He’s not a serial murderer or anything.” 

When he lets go of Dean, his cheeks tingle and he misses the feel of those hands. They’re so much softer than Cas’, no callouses or anything. Wonder what they’d feel like—

_ Aaaand let’s shut that right the fuck down, _ Dean scolds himself. He shakes his head to dispel the thoughts. “Okay, so…?”

“So,” Jimmy repeats sagely. “Basically, Cas hasn’t been in a serious long-term relationship in his entire life. I mean sure, he’s fucked the same person on and off for maybe a year or two at a time, but he’s never been interested in anything more than sex with them. And sooner or later, they all want a relationship beyond what he’s willing to offer. And Cas’ll dodge their questions and say generic platitudes and all that… But because he won’t give a real answer, they all come to  _ me _ to find out what’s up.”

The sex part doesn’t surprise him, but the relationship part kind of does. “Wait, so Cas just… doesn’t date these people?”

“In a fashion he does, but not the way most people want. There’s no commitment or anything. It’s more like sex until he gets bored of them. Or til they get bored of him, more often than not.” Jimmy runs his finger through the condensation on his glass. “You okay with that?”

His concern for his brother is touching, but unnecessary. “Not gonna lie, I’m kinda relieved. I’ve more or less sworn off dating. This friends with benefit is kinda perfect.” Jimmy makes a face. “What? Don’t believe me.”

“No, I believe you. It’s more that… Look, I’ve had this same conversation loads of times, and it usually preempts a break-up or falling out or whatever you wanna call it. So I’m really hoping that’s not about to happen, because you really are my favorite.”

“Am I really?” he asks while waggling his eyebrows.

“For sure. You’re by far the hottest.” 

“I hate you.”

Jimmy nudges him with his shoulder, look open and full of sincerity. “But seriously, you’re a fun guy. Like, we can talk and hangout without Cas being there to babysit and make sure we get along. The closest before was Balthazar, but he was even more of a drama queen than I am and I can’t be upstaged in my own apartment, for fuck’s sake.”

Dean’s thankful the noise that comes out could probably be classified as “guffaw” as opposed to “giggle.”

“And see, you laugh at my jokes, which is always a bonus. You get my seal of approval for sure.”

“Out of morbid curiosity… who was the worst?”

“Uh, most of them were pretty terrible to be honest. I was usually pretty happy when ‘the talk’ came up, because none of them were good enough for Cas. Some of them were decent fun and probably great sex buddies, but they were never going to be good for him long term. But  _ the _ worst person that’s ever been interested in Castiel?” 

When Jimmy squints his eyes to rake over his memories, he looks so adorably like his brother. But when he snaps his fingers and bounces excitedly on his seat, the illusion is broken. “April Kelly. I fucking can’t even… Okay, so April was into some pretty wild sex stuff if even  _ half _ of what Cas said can be believed.” 

Dean frowns, once again asking himself just how open the Novak brothers are with each other about their sex lives. He’s  _ never _ gone into detail about that sorta stuff with Sam, at least not outside of teasing him and hoping to make the kid go bright red in embarrassment. And if Sam were to talk about his sexcapades, Dean’s pretty sure he’d plug his ears and scream Led Zeppelin lyrics at him.

“So kinky sex’s enough to make her the worst?” 

“Nope. She was also super obsessed with soulmates. When Cas finally kissed her—and mind you, this was only like a month into their relationship—she was so upset she kept kissing and kissing and kissing him, thinking they’d done it wrong the first time or something. Who the fuck knows. When  _ that _ didn’t work, she figured she’d just picked the wrong brother… So the next time I saw her, she jumped right into my arms and kissed me on the lips. Cas had to pull her off me. At least they broke up after that. Good riddance to crazy chicks.”

He holds up his beer and Dean raises his own. They clink glasses and take a sip. 

“So all I gotta do to stay in your good graces is not try to kiss you? Gotta be careful with a bar set that low. I might trip over it.”

Jimmy snorts. “Tell me about it. All of Cas’ would-be boyfriends and girlfriends have been pretty sub par. If I didn’t know Cassie better than I do, I’d be telling him to make an honest man outta you. You’re a keeper for sure.” 

There’s a part of him that wants to follow up on that. To tell Jimmy he’s got the wrong idea about him. Nobody’s ever thought he was a keeper before, and they’re not likely to start now. Comments like that tend to rattle people. If he ever pulled back the curtain and showed them how broken he really is, they’d run in the opposite direction.

The bartender comes back their way and the self-deprecating moment passes. She looks at Dean’s empty glass and Jimmy’s half empty one in question. Both men shake their heads, so she slips them each some water before moving on to other patrons. 

Jimmy pulls out his wallet and grabs some cash, tossing it on the bar. “And for the record, you can kiss me anytime you want. I won’t even make Cas pull you off me.”

Dean’s choices are acknowledge how flirty that last comment is (and by extension, how welcome that flirtiness might be if circumstances were different), or ignore it completely.

Needless to say, he ignores it.

Enough time passes in silence that Jimmy decides they need a new conversation topic. “LARPing.”

“Wh-what?” he stammers. Maybe he can blame his blush on the alcohol.

“LARPing. Jo and Anna are getting kinda serious, which means they talk. And lemme tell you, Anna is a chatty drunk. So I have it on good authority—and by good authority, I mean some ridiculous game of telephone where I say what Anna said Jo said—that you LARP.”

“I might. On occasion.”

While they spend the next hour sobering up, Jimmy alternates between grilling him and teasing him relentlessly about Moondoor. If Dean didn’t know better, he’d suspect Jimmy secretly wants to join in. Eventually the bar gets crowded and they’re not drinking anyway, so they pass off their seats to some newcomers and leave. 

There’s some shuffling at the door before Jimmy brings him in for a hug. It goes on maybe a couple seconds longer than necessary, but neither makes a move to pull away until Jimmy pats Dean on the back. 

“What was that for?”

“Oh c’mon. Anyone willing to put up with Cas’ embargo on dating deserves all the hugs.”

In the end, Dean finds himself reassured. Cas won’t expect more from him—or anyone else, for that matter—than what they currently have going on. He’ll never have to worry about the whole dating and losing him thing with Cas. Dean can be in it for sex. 

It’s not like he expects anything else at this point, anyway. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Jimmy hang out

****_Jimmy N (5:48 pm): hey loser come over_

_Jimmy N (5:49 pm): i’ve got booze and a copy of the original night of the living dead_

_Jimmy N (5:50 pm): (cassie tells me you like shitty horror movies)_

**Dean W (6:12 pm): first of all, fuck both of you**

**Dean W (6:12 pm): nosferatu is a work of art**

**Dean W (6:12 pm): a cinematic masterpiece**

**Dean W (6:13 pm): second of all, night of the living dead is also a classic**

**Dean W (6:14 pm): third of all, what type of booze and should i bring snacks**

Dean’s never been to the twins’ place before. Okay, that’s a lie. He’s technically _been_ there three times, but those hardly counted. He’d been there once to drop off some German notes when Cas was sick. Once to wait for Cas to change clothes after work before they met up with Charlie and Benny for drinks. And once to pick up Cas for the airport.

Between all those visits, he’s spent all of twenty minutes there. Now that he’s actually there with no plans to rush out, Dean finally takes in his surroundings. The apartment opens up into a small foyer, then splits immediately. To the left is the living room and to the right the kitchen and dining nook, a half wall dividing the two spaces.

His few visits before rarely went past the foyer, though he was in the kitchen once to grab a soda before heading out. Now he gets to take in the rest of the apartment, and there’s no doubt who’s responsible for the decor.

The dining table has an understated but beautiful glass centerpiece. Red candles of varying sizes are artfully placed around it, and a matching table runner give the room a pop of color against the otherwise neutral tones. The buffet barely fits in the small room, but somehow it doesn’t feel cluttered. Its dark-stained oak so perfectly mirrors the table, it’s impossible to imagine the two pieces separated. The room’s the picture of a traditional dining space. Castiel, with his sweater vests and pressed slacks, fits in this space amazingly.

But he’s seen all that before. He barely gives it a second glance before Jimmy leads him into the living room.

The living room is a completely different matter. It’s a mess of clashing styles. The large leather sectional monopolizes most of the room, but it’s the most normal piece of furniture there. Dean could see himself buying a couch like that. He can’t say the same about anything else. The coffee table is some weird, post-modern thing that looks like it came straight out of some bizarre Tim Burton-esque nightmare. And the TV stand is… well, Dean can definitely say that it looks sturdy. But it also looks like it was made in someone’s basement and that they forgot to finish sanding all the sides.

That’s of course not even getting to the movie posters. The art in the dining room is nothing but Van Gogh and Monet prints. The living room looks like a movie theater threw up on the walls. They aren’t even _good_ movies. _Lavagirl and Sharkboy_ , _The Last Airbender_ , and _Sharknado_ must be the newest ones, because Dean can see the edges of other posters beneath them. Dean can easily see Jimmy putting the room together as a joke.

He whistles in appreciation, fingers moving along the edge of one of the posters to try and get a peek at what’s hidden underneath. Dean thinks he sees _The Master of Disguise_ a few posters back.

“Go on, admit it looks amazing.” Jimmy beams smugly at him as he sets some beer and a bottle of whiskey on the coffee table.

“It certainly has character.” Dean follows suit and puts down the pizza he picked up. “And you were giving me shit for _Nosferatu_?”

“It’s not like I _like_ these movies. I just like the aesthetic.” He leans in and whispers conspiratorially, “The best part is, Cas doesn’t watch enough movies to know what I’m doing. He has legitimately brought up these movies in conversations like he thinks they’re super popular. The _looks_ he gets.”

“You’re a terrible brother and I admire your work.”

Jimmy barks a laugh and pats the space on the couch next to him. The space _right_ next to him. Considering how large the sectional is, Dean wonders what Jimmy’s playing at. He takes a seat a respectable distance away, leaving space that their legs won’t accidentally brush against each other.

“Thanks for saving me from being bored all night.” Opening up the pizza box and grabbing a slice, Jimmy at least seems unbothered by the seating arrangement. “Cas ditched me for some study group thing. What a fucking tool.”

“Totally,” Dean agrees as he pops open a can of beer. “Studying so he can graduate and open _your_ business. How dare he. Worst brother ever. I hope he comes home and apologizes to you for ruining your evening.”

“I know, right?”

Although Jimmy hadn’t really said anything about it, Dean was expecting to see Cas. He’s kind of disappointed that he won’t be making an appearance. Not that Dean doesn’t like hanging out with Jimmy, but he misses Cas. The last few times he’s seen Cas, all they’ve had time for is sex. He wants to spend time with Cas without the pressure of seeing who can undress whom first or how quickly they can get the other off.

But he ignores the pang he feels and relaxes. The whiskey insures that much, at least. They start with _Night of the Living Dead_ , then move on to _Dawn of the Dead_. By the time the end credits roll, the pizza’s long gone and it’d be a good time to call it a day.

Jimmy doesn’t even ask before taking out his phone and ordering chinese food while Dean scours Netflix for the next movie.

“Why is Netflix recommending nothing but chick flicks?”

“Uh…” Jimmy shrugs sheepishly. “Would you believe that they’re Cassie’s?”

“Cas watches documentaries. So unless you’re implying that _Clueless_ is a documentary about life in the Valley during the 90’s—”

“Isn’t it?”

“Just admit it, you like chick flicks and Netflix knows it.” He scrolls down to the “Continue Watching” and “Watch it Again” sections, and pointedly looks at Jimmy as he reads out the titles. “ _The Holiday, 13 Going on 30, Ever After, 28 Dresses, Sleepless in Seattle_ … You’ve got a problem, dude.”

“I plead the fifth.” Jimmy can barely suppress a laugh. “What can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. I also would like to point out you’ve ignored all the sci-fi and action movies I’ve watched.”

“Hey, I ain’t judging.” And to prove the point, Dean starts playing _A Walk to Remember_. They have to pause it once the food arrives, but then they dive back in. When Jimmy comes back with the food, he sits so that his thigh is firmly pressed against Dean’s. Dean doesn’t bother to pull away.

Halfway through the movie, Dean has to start drinking more heavily. He’s only seen it once before, but rom coms in general are super depressing. When he was younger they didn’t bother him as much. If anything, he found himself relating to the main characters. Young men and women like him who were having trouble finding their soulmates.

A lot of them were actually inspiring when he was dating Lisa. People who didn’t have soulmates, falling in love and living happily ever after despite of the lack of sparks between them. That’s all he’d ever wanted in life, once he’d given up on the rest.

But this movie played up on the soulmate trope. When Jamie warns Landon not to fall in love with her, to _never_ kiss her, it sends Dean’s mood spiraling downward. He watches as Landon accidentally falls in love with her anyway, and it kind of kills him.

“I’m scared I’m going to fall in love with Cas,” Dean confesses with a sigh.

Jimmy doesn’t say anything, but he’s definitely paying attention. Even though Dean keeps his eyes glued on the TV, he can feel Jimmy watching him.

“I know he doesn’t date. And _I_ don’t date. Not anymore, anyway, so I’m just… I’m worried I’m going to fall in love with him and ruin it.”

Very carefully, Jimmy reaches over for the remote and stops the movie. He turns on the sofa so that he’s facing Dean, their legs still touching. “I’m not going to sugarcoat this, Dean, but… But Cas really isn’t looking for anything permanent. I thought the other day when we talked about it, you were okay with that.”

Dean’s head falls against the couch and he looks up at the ceiling, trying to keep his tears in check. “I am. I’m not looking for more. I don’t _expect_ more—”

“Why don’t you expect more?” There’s a hand on his knee. The firm but gentle pressure is almost too much, and Dean squeezes his eyes shut.

“It’s not like I have a soulmate out there, and no one else is willing to put up with having me for a boyfriend. So why should I be looking for more.”

“Dean…” There’s a hint of concern there, maybe even pity, but Dean shakes his head to ignore it. “Dean… can you look at me?”

It takes some more coaxing for him to give in, opening his eyes and lazily rolling his head along the cushion to stare at Jimmy’s ridiculously blue gaze.

Jimmy doesn’t pull any punches, going right to the heart of the matter. “Why do you think you’re unloveable?”

Agony rips through Dean, remembering Cassie and Aaron and Lydia and Lisa and everyone else he’d dared to think _maybe this time_. Everyone who’d stomped on his heart and made him a little warier, a little more reserved until eventually all the hope had been sucked out of him. But he schools his face into a mask of indifference. At least he hopes it is. “I mean, you met me?”

“Do you really have no idea how amazing you are? If I didn’t know Cas as well as I do, I’d be worried _he’d_ be in danger of falling for you.” Dean’s stunned into silence, unable to process what Jimmy’s telling him. Because that’s not true. No one’s in danger of falling in love with Dean Winchester.

Jimmy keeps going though, not content with stopping there. “I’m serious, Dean. You’re adorable and funny and smart. You’re a fucking _mechanical engineer_ , you know how hot that is? The only thing that could make it better is if wear glasses while you’re at work. And you’ve gotta know I’ve had a crush on you for _months_ and if circumstances were different…” He grinds to a halt. Like he’s crossed a line he shouldn’t have.

Somehow they’d drifted even closer. Jimmy’s practically leaning over Dean, and it makes goosebumps rise along Dean’s arm where they’re almost touching.

“If things were different?” Dean prompts. Nothing good can come from asking that question. The only thing worse than asking the question is hearing the answer.

“If things were different…” Jimmy starts again, but then he’s leaning in to kiss him. Dean’s frozen as he watches, bracing himself for the look of disappointment he’ll see on Jimmy’s face, the look that _always_ comes after a first kiss.

Except their lips touch and there are sparks.

Electricity flows through him, starting where Jimmy’s lips are brushing against his and cascading down throughout his entire body. His fingers and toes tingle, his head goes fuzzy, and his heart briefly stops before hammering away in delight.

When Jimmy pulls away, he stares down at Dean in surprise, eyes wide. Wider even than Dean’s must be. They stay there, frozen and trying to survive the aftermath of that kiss. Dean can’t help but bring a hand to touch his mouth. He traces his lips. They don’t feel any different, but something must’ve changed.

 _Everything’s_ changed.

Jimmy gets over his shock, surging forward and they’re kissing again. He can still feel the sparks. They’re muted, not as intense as the first time, but there’s a happy thrum in the background as Jimmy leads the kiss. Dean gasps, which only allows Jimmy’s tongue to dart inside and explore.

They continue making out, letting that electric wave roll through them and drive them on. Dean’s drowning in it, in way over his head and with no desire to try and fight it. This is amazing. Everything he’s ever heard about soulmate kisses, no matter how wonderful they described them, undersold how intense they’d be.

As if understanding, Jimmy takes the lead. He’s somehow able to function enough to perform minimal tasks. Like getting their clothes off. Dean lets Jimmy manhandle him to work his shirt and pants off, but he whines whenever the kisses stop. All Dean wants is to spend the rest of his life kissing Jimmy.

“Oh _fuck_ ,” Dean hisses, arching into Jimmy’s hand as he palms Dean through his boxers. Okay, maybe not just kissing Jimmy. He wants more of _this_ , too.

“Yes,” Jimmy agrees. He starts pulling off his own shirt and wiggles out of his pants, but Dean doesn’t let him get farther. Ten seconds is too long to go without their bodies pressed flush together, their lips all over each other. “Shhh, I’m back.” Then Jimmy’s straddling him, rocking their cocks together and all is right in the world.

“No,” he whines as Jimmy sucks a bruise onto his neck. He squirms in Jimmy’s grasp. “Want to feel the sparks… Why can’t I feel it—”

Jimmy interrupts with a kiss, sucking Dean’s bottom lip into his mouth and forcing one of those sparks to jolt all the way to Dean’s cock. “Gotta be on the lips, babe. Don’t worry, I’ll kiss you through the whole thing, I promise.”

Dean barely has time to nod before they’re at it again. They stay there, Jimmy working his mouth over while they thrust clumsily against each other. Even with their boxers on, there’s no way they’re going to last much longer.

He grabs Jimmy’s ass. For a jarring second, his body tries to pull away because that’s not _Cas’_ ass and just doesn’t feel right in his hands, but the discordant feeling passes and Dean keeps going. He kneads the muscle there before forcing Jimmy even closer so they can rut against each other properly. They groan in unison as they start to get adequate friction. The pretense of foreplay is done, and they move against each other as they try to get the other off.

Between kisses, Jimmy groans out words of praise. “Told you you’re amazing. Look at you, so beautiful. So good for me. You deserve this, Dean. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved.”

He fists Jimmy’s hair and crushes their lips together one final time. It’s too much teeth and way too forceful, but their connection makes up for the awkwardness of it. Electricity tingles through their lips until they’re numb with it, and Dean comes in his boxers. Jimmy groans when he feels the wetness between them, thrusts even harder. His lips trail down to continue working on Dean’s jawline, his neck, along his collar.

As Jimmy comes, he bites down on Dean’s shoulder to muffle his cries and then slumps against the other man.

They’ve got dried come in their boxers and Dean’s back is sticking to the leather, but this is the most content Dean can remember feeling in a long time. Eventually, the two of them slump over so they’re lying down. Jimmy stretches out to reach for an afghan to throw over them, then intertwines their limbs so thoroughly Dean’s not even sure which leg is his anymore.

“This is nice,” he sighs. His eyes start to flutter shut and he does nothing to try and stop them. He’s absolutely spent, both emotionally and physically. Whatever freak out he will or won’t have can wait til morning.

“Yeah,” Jimmy agrees. He kisses Dean’s eyelids and relaxes next to him. “Really nice.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Jimmy's secret

**** Castiel’s not particularly fond of this study group. Not because they aren’t competent students, but they tend to bicker amongst themselves about how to do things. Dick Roman and Bartholomew in particular are very troublesome, trying to make unilateral decisions about how to divide up the workloads that for some reason give  _ them _ the lightest reading list. In general, the rest of them go along with it simply to shut both of them up and get started, but today Pamela takes a stand and refuses to listen to them.

The squabbling gives Castiel a headache and he’s seriously considering quitting the group altogether. But with his current workload, there’s no way he can manage the whole reading list on his own. So he quietly sits there and pushes his pencil back and forth across the table. 

He can’t wait to graduate. He wants to be  _ done _ with this petty bickering over notes and projects.  _ Done _ with tests and listening to boring lectures. He wants to move on to the next phase of his life. Quit his respectable but lifeless job and go into business with Jimmy. The two of them have waited so long for this, for the chance to be happy and do they things they  _ want _ to do instead of the things they  _ have _ to do just to make ends meet.

“What do you think, Castiel?” Roman interrupts his thoughts. 

“Honestly?” he asks, completely bored with the whole thing. “I don’t give a shit. Divide up the reading and draw names out of a hat if you have to, just figure it out so we can get the fuck out of here.”

Roman goes pale and Pamela coughs to hide a laugh. Bartholomew caves first. With shoulders slumped, he concedes, “He has a point. I don’t want to be here all night arguing about this. Pamela, would you divide up the reading for us?”

“For the rest of the semester’s work,” Castiel adds.

The two men gape at Castiel, but neither protests. 

“With pleasure.” She winks at Castiel and turns a blinding smile on Bartholomew and Roman. As she goes through the syllabus and divvies everything up, they glower at her and Castiel in turn but don’t do more than pout.

Not for the first time, Castiel glances at his watch. It’s already past eight. He’d hoped things would be wrapping up around now so he could maybe invite Dean out for dinner. Or, failing that, at least blow him. Damn if Dean isn’t one of the most beautiful people he’s ever seen,  _ especially _ when he comes.

But that’s not what Castiel craves from the other man right now. Lately he’s barely gotten to see anything more than Dean’s dick. Admittedly, he’s rather fond of that dick, but he misses the friendship they’ve built over the past year. Which is dangerous and unfair to Dean. Making this anything other than sex does nothing but lead Dean on and set Castiel up to have to break his heart. 

_ You know you can’t commit more of yourself to him than you already have, _ he chides himself.  _ You should be distancing yourself from him, not looking to take him out to dinner. Fuck, that almost sounds like a date. _

It’s nearly midnight when they finish up that week’s worth of assignments, so it’s a moot point anyway. He doesn’t want to disturb Dean so late. It’d be overstepping the bounds of what they’ve established so far. It would feel like he’s taking advantage of Dean. 

Of course, that’s the whole point of the arrangement. But that doesn’t mean that Castiel wants to  _ feel _ like it’s true.

Besides, there’s always Jimmy waiting for him at home.

The idea entertains him as Cas packs up and heads back to the apartment. By the time he’s rushing up the steps, he’s a little hard. He wonders how quickly he can open himself up. If Jimmy’s still up, he can help, but if not… He’ll just have to take him by surprise. Open himself up quickly and quietly, then wake Jimmy up by taking his dick into his mouth. Once Jimmy’s hard, he can climb on top to ride him— 

Castiel very much hopes Jimmy is  _ not _ awake.

The faint glow of the TV greets him as he steps inside, but the apartment’s silent. It wouldn’t be the first time Jimmy’s fallen asleep watching a movie. He chuckles softly as he sets down his bag by the door. 

When he rounds the corner into the living room, he fully expects to find Jimmy curled up on the couch. Probably still fully dressed, a half empty bottle of beer on the coffee table and a line of drool running down his chin. What he does  _ not _ expect to see is Dean there as well. 

The two are covered by the blue decorative afghan Jimmy bought a few years ago from a thrift store. Even with the blanket covering them, it’s obvious the two are half naked. Cas can see the evidence of their earlier activities—scattered clothing and sex-tousled hair are a dead giveaway—and in the aftermath, they’ve fallen asleep in each other’s arms.

The seconds tick away, and Castiel simply can’t process the scene before him. He  _ knows _ what he’s seeing and what it means, but part of him refuses to believe it.

He and Dean, don’t they have a thing going on? Sure, they never agreed not to sleep with other people. But it seems rude of Dean to sleep with Castiel’s brother in light of their arrangement. Castiel surely wouldn’t try to seduce Dean’s brother out of respect for Dean. At least not without  _ talking _ to him about it first.

If he’s upset about Dean, it’s nothing to how  _ incensed _ he is at Jimmy.

Because  _ Jimmy _ should fucking know better. They may date other people for fun and to throw off suspicion, but… but  _ this _ feels like crossing a line. Jimmy knew about him and Dean. Kept nettling Castiel to see if there was more there than sex, like he suspected Castiel might actually be interested in more. If he thought that was even a remote possibility,  _ why would he do this _ ? 

They  _ never _ do things with other people at the apartment. Wouldn’t flaunt it in front of the other like this. 

And maybe he’s a little hurt that Jimmy ended up in Dean’s arms, cuddled him after they had sex like Castiel’s always wanted but never allowed himself to.

As if sensing Castiel’s presence, Jimmy stirs. With a yawn, he stretches and rolls over. Dean’s arms loosen their grip enough to let him, but otherwise he remains undisturbed. Their eyes meet. They could be inches or ten feet or a mile apart, Castiel’s sure he’d be able to recognize the guilty shame on his brother’s face. 

Without a second thought, Castiel grabs his bag and storms out. He takes the steps two, three at a time in an effort to escape his brother and Dean and this apartment and his whole fucking life. He needs time and space to  _ think _ about this before he’ll be able to consider talking to them,  _ forgiving _ them.

He’s in the cool early autumn air, marching towards his car when loud footsteps sound before him. “Cassie, what’s…. Come  _ back _ !”

Too stubborn to run, he braces himself for when his brother catches up. 

A hand lands on his shoulder and Cas lets himself be pulled to a stop, but he refuses to turn around. Undeterred, Jimmy walks around so they’re facing each other. He’s pulled on sweatpants and a shirt— _ Dean’s _ shirt, if Castiel’s not mistaken, which makes it infinitely worse to try and look at his brother right now—but remains barefoot. Concern for Jimmy’s feet crosses his mind before he angrily quashes it. 

“Cas—”

“Why would you do that? With  _ him _ ? Why would you do that  _ here _ ? In our  _ home _ ?” he cuts in. Every word is dripping venom, and Jimmy visibly flinches. 

“I’m sorry… I just… something happened.”

“I  _ always _ ask first. Always. Saying you like him isn’t the same as  _ asking _ , Jimmy. And with Dean? Really? You know I—” 

He stops and puts a hand to the bridge of his nose, squeezing and hoping it’ll help collect himself. They’ve had this argument about Dean before, but it’s honestly neither here nor there. Whether or not Jimmy has a crush on Dean and whether or not Cas’ feelings for him aren’t as strictly sexual as he claims, none of that has any bearing on the fact that Jimmy should know better. 

With more calm than he feels, Cas grits out, “ _ What _ could have possibly  _ happened _ to make this even remotely okay?”

“I kissed him.” Jimmy says it like he's confessing to the worst crime imaginable, but Cas doesn't see how it explains anything.

Admittedly, it's strange that they'd have kissed at all, considering Dean’s embargo on kissing. For a fraction of a second, he lets himself feel a flicker of jealousy that his brother’s gotten to feel those plush lips against his own like Cas has wanted for months. It only serves to make him more upset, and he tries to get a handle on it so he won’t lash out more than necessary.

“So you kissed him. Who gives a shit? How does that make it any better that—?”

“I-I felt… Cassie, there were  _ sparks _ .” 

While his first instinct is to dismiss the claim, Cas can’t overlook the pure  _ awe _ in Jimmy’s voice. The reverence with which he makes the confession.

“ _ What _ ?” Despite himself, he takes a step closer to Jimmy. “What do you mean there were sparks? There  _ couldn’t _ have been—”

“There were sparks,” Jimmy reiterates, his tone hard. There’s no room for debate there, no question in his certainty. 

Castiel does the only thing he feels he can do. He shoulders past his brother and gets in his car. He turns it on, ignoring his brother’s shouting as he puts the car in reverse and backs out of the parking spot. And he certainly doesn’t cast a glance in the rearview mirror as he speeds out of the garage. 

He’s never felt so betrayed before in his life.

Castiel remembers all too well when he found out. 

July 25th. 

Amelia's 16th birthday. 

Jimmy and Amelia had been dating most of the school year and were head over heels for each other. Castiel knew it, their parents know it, hell, the whole friggin town knew it. Really, kissing to prove their compatibility was just a formality. And maybe it stung a little, that in a few hours his brother would come home and he'd be completely forgotten, but oh well, at least Jimmy would be happy with the love of his life.

Jimmy went all out preparing for it. Nice dinner, romantic walk in the park ending with them catching the end of a jazz concert by the lake. A perfect evening for soulmates to kiss for the first time. Fucking romance novel bullshit was what it was, but hey, Jimmy wanted it to be memorable.

Castiel knew  _ he’d _ remember it forever, and  _ he _ wasn’t even going to be there. But that was unfair and selfish of him. Castiel’s crush was Castiel’s problem, not Jimmy’s. He had no right to want more. For so many reasons. That’s why for  _ years _ Cas had been trying to stifle his growing attraction to his twin. It was wrong and doomed to be short-lived. Jimmy might’ve been open to fooling around (not that Cas had ever worked up the nerve to ask, instead relegating himself to imagining the possibility), but he’d never want a  _ relationship _ . A relationship that would always be scorned, that would need to be hidden from  _ everyone _ …

It was terrible of Castiel to want that, but he at least never imposed that on Jimmy. He’d been very careful to hide it, the only secret he’s ever kept from his brother and the only one he ever plans to keep.

So while Jimmy was out on his perfect date with his perfect girlfriend about to start their perfect life of soulmate bliss together, Castiel was at home moping. He’d made an appearance downstairs to wish his brother good luck, then he’d skipped dinner and shut himself in their shared room. It took up a good portion of the top floor, really more of a master bedroom than anything else, but they’d insisted on sharing when their parents had the place built nearly a decade ago. There were times since then that each had questioned the wisdom of that decision, but neither actually regretted it.

Castiel especially couldn’t now that it that it was the closest he’d ever get to Jimmy. He’d never get to hold Jimmy close at night, but he  _ would _ be able to hug Jimmy’s pillow to his chest. Crawling into Jimmy’s bed, he wrapped himself in the familiar scent and tried not to think about anything, but definitely not soulmates or kisses.

Cas dozed in and out, drifting along as his mind made him play out Jimmy’s triumphant return home on repeat. At least he’d be ready for the gummy smile lighting up his brother’s face. Jimmy looked so beautiful when he was happy, his whole visage radiating joy. He was happy for Jimmy—or at least, he tried very hard to be—but he couldn’t quite shake his own pain.

A door slamming startled him awake. Castiel jumped out of Jimmy’s bed and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. It was time to hug his brother and congratulate him—

But harsh words drifted up the stairs. He couldn’t make out a word of it, but he easily recognized the anger behind it. Something was wrong, something had happened. Before he could rush downstairs to find out what was going on, their bedroom door shook open and swung so hard shut it rattled the whole door frame. The brothers nearly collided in the entryway, but Castiel dodged out of Jimmy’s way as he charged into the room with tears in his eyes.

“Jimmy?” He hadn’t seen his brother this upset since their grandmother died a few years ago. This wasn’t how he expected to see his brother after his picturesque date with Amelia. “What happened?” A million possibilities raced through his mind. Someone was hurt, maybe there had been a car accident?

“It was  _ perfect _ ,” Jimmy spat before throwing himself on his bed, right where Castiel had been brooding a few minutes ago. Cas perched on the edge of the bed, hands reaching out to comfort Jimmy but stopping short. He didn’t even know  _ what _ his brother was upset about, how could he possibly offer comfort or support? 

His words muffled by the pillow, Jimmy shook with silent sobs, “I kissed her and-and-and  _ nothing _ !” But even as tremors shook through his body and his voice the quivered, no tears fell. “I knew-I  _ should’ve _ known it was stupid to get my hopes up but-but I…” He choked on the rest of his words and tried to hold himself together.

As much as Castiel might’ve wanted to keep his brother for himself, he never wanted  _ this _ . Jimmy deserved to be happy with his soulmate, and yet here he was, devastated that he’d been so wrong about his relationship with Amelia.

“It’s okay,” Cas soothed, finally reaching out and rubbing circles on Jimmy’s back. As disappointed as Jimmy was, this wasn’t nearly so bad as Castiel had feared. “I know you wanted it to be Amelia, but… but just because she’s not your soulmate, doesn’t mean she isn’t important to you or that you don’t love each other. Plenty of people have great relationships without finding a soulmate. Look at Mom and Dad. This doesn’t mean things have to end between you and Amelia. It doesn’t have to be different than before.”

Jimmy said nothing.

Continuing to keep a calming touch on Jimmy’s back, Cas wondered if he should say more. What he  _ wanted _ to say was something else, but he wasn’t sure it would help. But as the seconds ticked away, Castiel felt he needed to say  _ something _ . 

“You have a soulmate out there, I’m sure of it.”  _ You’re so amazing, you  _ **_have_ ** _ to have one. It just wouldn’t be right. _ “You’ll find them someday. Even if it’s not today or even for a few years, you  _ will _ find them and it’ll be amazing. And I’m sorry it wasn’t Amelia, but that just means someone even  _ better _ is out there waiting for you—”

Jimmy startled his brother by lurching off the bed and into his arms. Cas could feel wet tears soaking into his shirt, but he didn’t mind. Wrapping himself protectively around Jimmy, he hugged him and let him silently weep into his shoulder. All he wanted was to take the pain from Jimmy, make it all go away so he could see that wonderful smile he’d been dreading. 

They swayed back and forth and Castiel couldn’t help but kiss Jimmy’s temple. Jimmy sighed and leaned further into Castiel’s touch, so he did it again. When Jimmy didn’t protest, he kept going. Slowly kissing down his cheek, and then Jimmy had turned his head to give Castiel better access so his kisses could trail to the corner of Jimmy’s lips. Like a magnet, he felt drawn in. 

With their lips hovering over each other’s, Castiel looked to Jimmy. He should stop before the affectionate gesture betrayed him. He could still play it off as innocent, merely a brother comforting another brother, but if he kept drifting in…

Jimmy took the choice away from him, stretching upward to capture Castiel’s lips. 

Sparks flew.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas' dating history

**** Everyone always talked about how amazing it would be when they found their soulmate. And on that first night, it was. They explored each other’s body, expressing all the longing they’d been feeling for years through loving touches and kisses. They moved together, rocked against each other until they finally fell into an exhausted, blissful sleep.

The morning brought complications.

They were curled up in Jimmy's blanket, limbs intertwined and breathing in tandem. A knock at their bedroom door had them jerking apart so hard Castiel nearly fell out of bed. 

“Jimmy?” their mother's voice rang through the door. “You feeling better? Do you want to come down for breakfast? I made your favorites—”

“Sounds good, Mom!” Jimmy called as he scrambled around Cas and out of bed. “I’ll be down in a minute!”

“You sure you’re alright?”

“Yes!” The sad edge to his voice was gone, but Jimmy in no way sounded fine. As he hurriedly pulled on boxers and pushed Cas to his side of the room, the distress came through in that single syllable.

There was a long pause before a hesitant, “Okay, honey. Wake your brother up and tell him there are pancakes.”

The two looked at each other in relief and not getting caught in the same bed, but it was a sobering moment. If they wanted this to work—and  _ fuck _ did Castiel want it to—they were going to have to be careful. That afternoon, they locked themselves up in their room not to fool around like they wanted, but to plan. People might be understanding about a whole lot of things when it came to soulmates. Class, race, culture, age… Most if not all of these had been overcome because of a soulmate bond. But twins? That was unheard of. Cas knew, he’d done fucking  _ research _ in what he thought was a foolish hope, but there was nothing. No matter how adamantly they insisted they were soulmates, few would understand or accept their relationship. 

Their parents, for example, would not. As loving as they were, they were extremely religious. Cas had hid his attraction to other boys his age, but a few times he’d let his eyes linger a beat too long. If his mother caught him in those moments of weakness, she’d send a pinched look his way but say nothing. If it was his father, though, he would quietly brood until they got home. In private, he’d lecture the boys about the sins of homosexuality and how he hoped they never fell into such a deviant lifestyle. In those moments, Castiel knew his parents would hate him if they ever found out he liked men. Liking Jimmy would only serve to make it worse.

Though he suspected dating men was enough to get him disowned. How it could actually get any  _ worse _ than that he had no idea, but his father would be sure to find a way. 

“We just have to throw people off,” Jimmy said as he nuzzled into Cas’ jaw, sucking at his pulsepoint and perfectly illustrating the type of behavior that would get them kicked out if their parents saw. 

“Yes,” Castiel agreed as he extracted himself from his brother’s embrace. “And we have to limit what we do around the house.”

“The door has a lock—”

“And you weren’t exactly quiet last night. We have to be more careful.”

Jimmy pouted. It was adorable, and Castiel was tempted to let him continue his earlier ministrations. But they needed boundaries to protect themselves. A little self-restraint would go a long way in ensuring they didn’t get caught. He held his ground, scowling at Jimmy until he sighed and gave in. 

“Fine. Only when we know Mom and Dad aren’t around, and we lock the door. Happy?”

“Of course I’m not  _ happy _ that we have to hide. Jimmy, if I had my way, you’d fuck me into the bed every night and maybe again in the morning.” His twin perked up at that, but Cas dodged a kiss with a laugh and his pout was back. “Doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. At least not until we move out and get our own place.”

“Ugh.  _ Fine _ . But I’m holding you to that.”

They got off track talking about their future apartment and all the ways they’d christen it. Ignoring their earlier resolution to be careful, Cas found himself on his back getting his first blowjob as Jimmy jerked himself off. 

“This is such a bad idea,” Castiel gasped even as his fingers curled in Jimmy’s hair to force him deeper. 

“Mmmm…” Jimmy groaned around him. At least with Cas’ cock in his mouth, he couldn’t get loud enough to alert their parents.

After both had come, they snuggled on Cas’ bed until every creak in the house and the sound of the air conditioner turning on wore their nerves enough that they broke apart. It hurt, but they forced space between them. They’d barely had twenty four hours together as soulmates, and the reality of their future was crushing their spirits.

They’d never be able to hold hands or kiss in public. They could never tell their friends or family that they’d found their soulmate. They’d live together and maybe no one would say anything at first, but eventually questions would come up. Unless they could deflect.

Jimmy reluctantly agreed to continue dating Amelia. He cared for her, of course he did, but now that he knew they’d never end up together, he said it felt disingenuous. 

“I’m not saying  _ marry _ the girl, just hang out with her, okay?”

“Well, what about  _ you _ ? You gonna make me do all the heavy lifting?”

“Amelia’s not that heavy. If anything, she’s rather skinny—”

“Har har, jackass.” Jimmy threw a pillow at him which Castiel easily dodged. “I meant dating. Am I the only one who has to do this whole fake dating thing or are you going to help?”

“What are you suggesting?”

“Sooner or later, people will wonder why I’m off dating people while living with my brother, the perpetual bachelor.”

“Maybe I’m asexual—”

“Thank  _ god _ that’s not true.”

“—or aro or it’s just nobody’s fucking business.”

“Or  _ maybe _ you can find people to date. Hell, fuck them if you need to. But I can’t be the only one out there, faking a search for happily ever after while you get to wait for me at home every night.”

Castiel bit his tongue to keep from protesting. He might not like it, but Jimmy had a point. It wasn’t fair to make him Jimmy bear the burden of diffusing suspicion, so he promised to do his part. Their system developed over the next few years. They both dated, but with opposite strategies.

Jimmy kept things up with Amelia until they graduated from high school, then college and life in general interfered. Amelia never seemed particularly heartbroken about it, which Castiel always found somewhat insulting. She’d been dating the best man in the world, yet she didn’t seem to care it was over. Jimmy teased him for being biased. Castiel didn’t exactly have a counter argument.

After Amelia there was Daphne in college and Nora when he started working. The three women were, ostensibly, the entirety of Jimmy’s dating experience. Sweet women who were enchanted with Jimmy and willing to give it a try with someone who wasn’t their soulmate, even though Daphne did eventually break things off to try and find hers. 

With Nora it lasted a few years. Nora’s soulmate had died in a car accident, and Jimmy was there to help her pick up the pieces. Castiel begrudgingly had to admit he liked Nora, but it may have had to do with the fact that she’d been upfront about not knowing if she’d ever be able to commit to someone else. Not forever, anyway. When their relationship ended, it was about as mutual as things could be. 

Cas didn’t like dating. He did, however, like sex. He found men and women not looking for anything serious. Usually fresh out of college, young and still focused on finding a soulmate but wanting to have fun in the meantime. Much older than that and people were more likely to want an actual relationship. Somehow April had slipped through the cracks, and after that disaster Cas was a lot more choosy about his partners. He cycled through lovers who have a general disdain for soulmates and relationships. If they ever seemed like they were getting attached, he dumped them and moved on to the next one. 

Jimmy wasn’t thrilled with Cas sleeping around, but Castiel always talked to him about it first. Only once had Jimmy given him a flat out no, and that was for Crowley. Something about the man had rubbed Jimmy the wrong way (“You and Castiel still live together. A little  _ odd  _ for brothers your age, isn’t it?”) and the idea of Crowley touching  _ his _ soulmate. It had brought out a rare possessive streak in Jimmy that had left both brothers sore and exhausted after a weekend in bed.

Overall, Jimmy was fine with their arrangement, though. Immediately after their first kiss, Jimmy had been all over Cas whenever he thought he could risk it. But after they’d moved away from their parents, it’d been Cas who’d very enthusiastically lead the way in christening every room of their new apartment. With no one but each other for company, it became painfully obvious that Castiel was far more into sex than his brother. Jimmy joked that Cas’ fuck buddies actually did him a favor, tiring Castiel out enough that he could keep up with him. There were times, though, when Castiel wondered how Jimmy put up with it. All it did was prove that his brother was amazing and far too good for him. 

It was a good system. Not ideal, but good.

Meg was the first one to challenge that. It started out the same as all the others. Sex with no strings attached. Rough, kinky, marathon sex. There was even that one time they’d been drunk and she’d let Jimmy watch. She was quickly approaching the top of Castiel’s list of all time favorite paramours. 

Until they’d eventually kissed. 

The kiss was sloppy, a hint too much tongue and maybe more aggressive than Castiel's used to. Well, maybe not being on the receiving end of it, but still. Jimmy tended to let him lead and everyone else let Cas take what he wanted. Not Meg, though.

When Meg pulled away, she looked vaguely disappointed.

"What? Thought there'd be sparks?" he asks wryly. 

"Kinda."

"I was joking."

"I wasn't." 

Castiel tilted his head in confusion. There was another reason he’d always liked Meg. She’d told him flat out the first time she’d hit on him that she didn’t do romance and he’d better not do something silly like fall in love with her. "I thought you were aro."

Meg's eyes narrowed into dangerous slits. He knew that look. Nothing pleasant came from being on the receiving end of that look. "And?"

There was no point beating around the bush, she'd get it out of him eventually, so he bit the bullet. "I didn't think you'd... be looking for a soulmate." It remained unsaid what he really meant.  _ You don't have one. _

"Well, that's kind of narrow-minded of you, Clarence." For the first time, the nickname didn’t sound like an endearment. "Maybe I'm not looking for someone to whisk me off my feet and be my knight in shining armor, but it doesn't mean there might not be someone out there who I could have  _ something _ with."

"Something like what we have?" It didn’t make any sense. This wasn’t what soulmates were. They weren’t fuck buddies who hung out and drank together. There was supposed to be  _ more _ . Like what he had with Jimmy.

_ You and Jimmy aren’t what soulmates are supposed to be. Who says there’s a standard for soulmates to be? Stop being so judgemental and listen. _

He probably should’ve listened to that voice.

"Yeah, why not? What’s wrong with that?" She shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest, clearly annoyed that this needed saying. "This is good for me. This is what I'd want. We fuck, we get along, and neither of us is expecting a dozen roses come Valentine’s Day. This could’ve been it for me, Clarence, but I guess I'll have to keep looking."

"Meg—"

"I'm not here to be a place holder, Clarence. Or a cover for whatever else you’ve got going on. I gotta look out for  _ me _ ." She nudged him with her foot. "C'mon Clarence, I figured of all people,  _ you'd _ be open-minded about the whole soulmate thing."

It would’ve been so easy to ignore that comment, but something about the look in her eyes had him reeling. "What's that supposed to mean?" he growled out, shoulders tensing and adrenaline kicking in. He jumped to his feet with his fists clenched. He felt backed into a corner, and he was all too happy to fight his way out of it.

But she didn’t look threatened in the least. If anything, she was bored with the whole conversation. Giving him a knowing look— _ but  _ **_what_ ** _ did she know? _ —she went on her tiptoes to give him a chaste kiss on the lips. "Lemme know if you ever want a quickie. Otherwise, take care of yourself, Clarence." She pat his cheek and winked, then sauntered out of the apartment.

Years later, he still had her number saved in his phone just in case. He’d never worked up the nerve to call her, though. Something about their last conversation had left Cas deeply unsettled.

_ What did she know? _


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas adjusts to being alone

**** To this day, Castiel doesn’t know what Meg had been getting at. She couldn’t have meant…  _ that _ . There was no way she could’ve known, no reason for her to have suspected anything about him and Jimmy. Yet he still can’t forget the look in her eye— 

But if she thought there was something more between the twins than brotherly affection, why did she even entertain the thought that Castiel might be her soulmate? There are  _ rules _ about this. A lot of them aren’t really talked about it, but everyone knows them. You have  **one** soulmate. Maybe. If you’re lucky. 

Granted, he was kind of a dick to imply that she didn’t have a soulmate. Sure, the movies liked to make the idea of soulmates so romantic and amazing, but that hardly described every relationship. He’d felt like an ass about it in the aftermath of their breakup, but he’d never worked up the courage to contact her and apologize. And perhaps he’d been too much of a coward to talk to her again and open the door to finding out what she  _ really _ meant.

The  _ point _ is, he hasn’t had reason to question soulmate bonds for some time. He’d kissed Meg because it was safe. Hell, he’d kiss  _ anyone _ because it didn’t matter. If you already have a soulmate, what harm can a kiss do?

A lot, apparently.

Jimmy kissing Dean should’ve been safe. Jimmy is  _ his _ soulmate.  _ His.  _ You don’t just  _ lose _ that. Except he just did.

Castiel refuses to go back to the apartment. In the raging storm of emotion he feels right now, there’s no way he can stomach going back. Not right now. Not until he gets time to think and figure out what the fuck is going on. Which means he’s effectively homeless. He does a quick inventory of what he has on him: his car, laptop, some of his notes for class, his wallet, his cell phone, and most likely some random crap that Jimmy’s left in the car. No change of clothes for work tomorrow. No phone charger. No toothbrush or deodorant, for fuck’s sake.

Well, at least that was a problem he could take care of. He stops at a 24 hour pharmacy and picks up some toiletries. They have some sweatpants and plain tees up front, so he grabs several of those as well. He’ll likely have to take a few days off work to get himself settled. Admittedly, he still holds out hope that Jimmy will call him at any moment and say it was all a huge misunderstanding. There were no sparks, it was just a quick fuck between friends and please come home Cassie,  _ please _ .

While in line, he checks his phone. No missed calls. No messages.

He throws his purchases onto the passenger seat and drives off. He drives aimlessly around the city for an hour while he tries to piece together what the fuck he’s supposed to do now. 2 am rolls around and he’s falling asleep at the wheel. The backseat of the Continental doesn’t seem particularly appealing at the the moment. In a moment of exhausted weakness, he heads to the first place he can think of.

Plastic bags in tow, he pounds on the apartment door. It's the middle of the night and he fully expects to be standing on the door stoop for a few minutes, but he’s only been knocking a minute when the door opens to a surprised but very much awake Gadreel.

“Castiel? What are you doing here—?”

Cas sidesteps him and barges into the small foyer. “Can I crash here for a few days?” He’s already kicking off his shoes and heading into the living room, Gadreel’s acquiescence barely more than formality.

There’s a moment of hesitation. “I still don’t wish to sleep with you, Castiel.”

“Good,” Cas grunts as he drops his stuff on the coffee table and throws himself on the lumpy couch. “Your throw pillows are more than adequate company.”

From the corner of his eye, he can see Gadreel standing at the edge of the sofa. The two have been sort of friends for a few years now. They’ve worked together and yes, Castiel made a pass at him at last year’s Christmas party. Between his excitement for his ski trip with Jimmy and his excitement at getting to see Dean again in the spring, he’d been horny. Gadreel had politely turned him down, and Castiel had shrugged it off. Things were strained around the office for a few weeks, but once Gadreel saw that Castiel genuinely wasn’t offended, they’d gotten back to the way things had been before.

Things might go back to being awkward if Gadreel decides to kick him out.

“Did your brother kick you out?”

Castiel buries his face in the mismatched pillows. He'd rather not talk about Jimmy right now, but he owes some sort of explanation to Gadreel. “I kicked myself out.”

“Does he have a paramour staying over? I believe you've said you have a small apartment, so I imagine that would be problematic if they're vocal—”

Images of Jimmy and Dean in the throes of passion come forward unbidden. Rocking against each other and loudly encouraging each other. They're both so  _ loud _ , and he can easily picture them moaning in delight, crying out each other's names as they come,  _ kissing _ each other—

“Oh for fuck's sake,” Cas snarls but reels his anger back in. “I have no fucking clue if they're loud, and I have no intention of finding out. Can I stay here or not?”

Gadreel considers him, no doubt taking in the plastic bags and his manic appearance. Castiel's story rings false, or at least incomplete. After a short lived staring match, Gadreel shrugs. “If you'd like. Would you like to borrow some work clothes for tomorrow?”

Unable to voice his thanks, he instead offers a relieved smile. “No, thank you. I'm calling in sick.” It's late and he's exhausted. Even if he were in the right state of mind to work, Castiel would be dead on his feet tomorrow. Better to take the day to figure things out. Like if he's going to fix things with Jimmy… or find himself a more permanent living situation.

_ Ugh don't think about that. Don't think about anything. Just go to sleep. _

Hopefully he's too tired to dream. The last thing he needs is to keep seeing Dean in Jimmy's arms on the couch. Groaning into the couch cushions, he buries his face under the pillows.

At some point during the night, Gadreel must have given him a blanket, because he wakes up warm and relatively comfortable. There’s shuffling in the kitchenette, and his first thought is to yell at Jimmy to make him some coffee. The words die in his throat when he catches sight of his co-worker eating an orange. The previous night’s events come back to him, and he’s torn between wanting to retch or punch something.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come to work today?” Gadreel asks as he puts on his suit coat.

Castiel’s answer is to pull the thin blanket over his head. He pretends to be asleep while Gadreel finishes getting ready for work. Alone in the apartment, he stays on the couch until he really does doze off again.

He’s woken up a few hours later by the sound of his phone ringing. Digging it out of his pockets, he sees Jimmy’s name glaring back at him. 

“What?” he snaps.

Jimmy hesitates a moment before answering. “Cas? Where are you? When are you coming home? Are you alright? We need to talk—”

“Did you really feel sparks when you kissed Dean?”

“Yes—?”

Cas hangs up and turns off his phone, tossing the phone on the floor. He rolls over and goes back to sleep, determined to waste the rest of the morning. Lying there for a while, sleep won’t come for him, so he throws the blanket aside and grabs his computer.

Castiel always prides himself on being able to keep his emotions at arm’s length. He can look at a situation analytically and find the best solution without getting hung up on distractions. Even with Jimmy, he’s always been able to do that. That’s why he kept his brother at arm’s length before they kissed, never letting him take that one step closer than he should. But with Dean in the mix…

Admittedly, Dean’s been something of a blind spot for him. Castiel liked Dean from the moment they met and had decided it was better to keep him as a friend than risk bringing sex into it. That always complicated things and guaranteed an end to Cas’ friendship with the person in question. He hadn’t wanted that with Dean. He knew Dean and Jimmy would get along ( _ how fucking right you were, _ he thinks bitterly _ ) _ and hoped to introduce them. They’d hit it off so well, became fast friends just like Dean and Cas had, and Cas had wanted things to stay that way. But Dean had been so adorable in Germany… Jimmy’d been the one to encourage him to sleep with Dean, because he  _ knew _ there was a mutual attraction there and because it’d be good for him to “get some tail” while he was gone. 

_ “Either you ride him or you’re gonna jump me in the airport right outside customs, and I’m pretty sure you sucking Dean off in your hotel room is going to make less of a scene than  _ **_that_ ** _.” _

Castiel shakes his head to dispel the memory. The  _ point _ is, he needs to approach this logically and not let his feelings for Jimmy or Dean get in the way. So when his laptop boots up (thankfully Gadreel hadn’t changed his wifi login since that one time he came by to finish up some work stuff), he starts doing research.

This is hardly his first venture into the “soulmate problem.” There were those hurried internet searches before kissing Jimmy where he'd tried to see if what he wanted was even  _ possible _ , but each search inevitably ended with him freaking out. He'd hurriedly closed the window and cleared his browser history, feeling dirty and wrong for having so much as typed the words “can you be related to your soulmate?”

Now, though, Castiel can't afford to be coy. He knows what he's looking for, and as certain as he is about what the answers are likely to be, he searches anyway.

He types:  **Can you have more than one soulmate?**

The answer is, as he expects, a resounding  _ no _ . The closest relevant articles he can find are on history sites.

_ There are a number of people throughout history who have claimed to have more than one soulmate. Roman emperors were particularly notorious for it. Nero claimed his wife, Poppaea Sabina, was his soulmate, but later added to that by explicitly stating that Statilia Messalina and the freedman Sporus were also his soulmates.  _

_ Emperor Hadrian claimed to be soulmates both with his wife Vibia Sabina and with his lover Antinous, though many historians posit that he lied about the soulmate bond with his wife. The two were good friends, and stating she was his soulmate further elevated her position as empress. There is no doubt that the two were close, but the relationship between Hadrian and Antinous much more resembles that of soulmates. _

And on and on it goes. Examples of emperors, kings, and nobles insisting that multiple people were their soulmates in order to justify affairs. The Church viewed soulmate bonds as sacred, and the claim—something that could never be substantiated but also could never be refuted - allowed many rulers to take mistresses without censure. The Church very rarely investigated the incidents in question; they were skeptical if not outright scornful, but the Pope could never openly contradict the ruler in question without risking war in Europe. It’s actually rather fascinating, and Castiel loses an hour reading about French kings and their mistresses before he realizes he’s not learned anything relevant to his own situation.

All he knows is that there are no  _ modern _ examples of people claiming to have more than one soulmate, at least not beyond skeevy tabloids and episodes of  _ Maury _ and  _ Jerry Springer _ . Frustrated, he gives up that search.

Conventional wisdom says you can’t have more than one, and Castiel’s never had any reason to doubt it. What he feels for Jimmy is so intense and all-consuming. If he were to feel a fraction of that for another person, it’d be overwhelming. Castiel simply can’t imagine someone with a heart big enough to feel that for two people at the same time. Even Jimmy, who he thinks the world of, would crumble under the weight of it.

Never mind the mathematical unfairness of it.  _ At most _ twenty percent of the population finds a soulmate. How fucking unfair would it be for some people to have  _ two _ when so many people have none? Jimmy’s amazing, and he deserves it, but Castiel finds it hard to believe that his brother would be that lucky. Especially considering how unlucky soulmates have been for him so far.

Suspicions confirmed, Castiel moves onto his next search:  **Do soulmate bonds fade?**

No matter how far he takes that search, they all lead back to the same section to the Wikipedia article on soulmate bonds:

_ When two soulmates first kiss, the sensation they feel is often described as ‘sparks flying’ (see: Soulmate Imagery in Ovid, Shakespeare, Byron, and Wilde). The initial experience is the most intense, and there are some reported incidents of one partner fainting. The ‘sparks’ feeling persists with every kiss, but the intensity of the feeling  _ **_fades over time_ ** _.  _

_ This fading soulmate spark is a trope used in stories where two lovers kiss for the first time in a situation where at least one party is unaware of the other’s identity. Often, a third party will attempt to persuade one of the lovers that they are in fact his/her soulmate instead. The most famous example is in Cinderella, where Prince Charming relies on the soulmate bond to identify Cinderella as his soulmate, while the evil stepsisters attempt to use the fading sparks as a way to trick him into marrying them instead.  _

“Great, thank you Wikipedia,” Castiel grouses, “for the fucking textbook explanation of something every fucking child knows. You’ve been a real help to me,” Castiel mutters as he goes back to the search box.

He tries again:  **Can you stop being soulmates with someone?**

The results for this are a little more interesting. There are actual scientific journals linked, all of them attempting to find a way to prove and even predict soulmate bonds. One young Swedish scientist has a blood test in development to identify people as soulmates, a test that’s perhaps only a few years away from being ready to the public (at quite the price - Castiel can’t help but whistle at the numbers quoted, because it seems a ridiculous amount to pay for something that can be found out for free with a kiss). And while tangentially interesting, what really catches Cas’ attention is that the man cites two difficulties in developing an accurate test: first, that some people are not forthcoming with accurate information about who their soulmate is or isn’t; and second, that some bonds seem to fade to the point of being undetectable.

_ “There have been cases _ — _ and I’m not at liberty to discuss the specifics _ — _ but I’ve seen cases where the bond is still felt between partners, yet the test is not able to identify them as soulmates,” Doctor Nilsson tells us. “But there have conversely been situations where the test would suggest that a couple are soulmates, yet they say the sparks have faded so much they can no longer feel them at all. It’s quite fascinating, and warrants more research in the future. I implore other biochemists to pursue this field to help answer these very basic questions about something that’s around us all, yet is so poorly understood after centuries. It should be quite telling that Greek philosophers and Medieval alchemists had more interest in finding out the nature of these bonds than modern scientists. With the advances we’ve made in science since their time, there’s no reason these should even still be questions, yet more and more we find ourselves asking them.” _

“If I’d known the fucking shit I’d have to deal with, I’d have become a scientist and be right there with you.” He finishes reading the Nilsson article out of morbid curiosity, then finds himself back on historical sites reading about Henry VIII claiming each of his wives was his soulmate… until they abruptly weren’t.  _ The bonds faded and broke _ was always his assertion when challenged. Because of the Church’s stance on the profound nature of soulmate bonds, he’d pleaded for the annulment of his marriage with Catherine of Aragon. It’d been meaningless, of course. Plenty of people didn’t marry their soulmate, and that hadn’t given them the right to annul their marriage and remarry once they’d found them. The Pope’s response to Henry VII said it well enough:  _ The sanctity of marriage is paramount _ — _ it should be impossible for someone honoring the pledges they made before God to find a soulmate. Once a man takes a wife, he pledges himself to her in the sanctity of marriage, and even in light of a proven soulmate bond, there is nothing that will dissolve marriage short of death. _

Honestly, Castiel had always assumed Henry VIII had been an ass, taking advantage of his position and the women who married him. And then using soulmate bonds to manipulate them for his own purposes. He’d spent so much of his history classes condemning the monarch for being a dick that he’d overlooked how terrible a position it left those women in. If they’d actually found a soulmate, only to have him move on to someone else afterward…

Let’s just say, it sucked, and Castiel doesn’t wish this feeling on anyone, ever.

After that, he runs out of reasonable articles. Needless to say, he decides to pursue some of the less reasonable ones.

Yahoo Answers. The bottom of the bottom. This is what his life has come to, looking at poorly spelled questions and ridiculous responses that may or may not be other users trolling the original poster. It doesn’t really help him, but it does make his fears seem more justified. His concerns that he’s losing Jimmy as a soulmate are completely reasonable in the wake of dozens of others asking the same thing, sharing stories of a bond that’s faded or that they feel is broken entirely. 

He lies there on the couch, staring at the ceiling.

Where does this leave him?

All the anger that he’d felt last night is gone. Who’s he going to be angry at, anyway? Neither Dean nor Jimmy had any say in the matter, and aside from kissing they haven’t really done anything wrong. Jimmy and Cas have an open relationship when it comes to sex, and so do he and Dean. Yeah, it was kind of shitty of them, but if he’s honest with himself, Cas doesn’t care that they fucked each other. The breach of his trust—whether explicitly stated with Jimmy or implied with Dean—is secondary to the fact that  _ they’re fucking soulmates _ . This isn’t just sex, there’s a hell of a lot more on the line than that. The two of them fucking doesn’t mean their relationship with him has to change. Dean being the fucking love of Jimmy’s life changes  _ everything _ .

Where does that leave things, anyway? He’d hung his whole life on the idea that he and Jimmy were meant to be together. He’d given up so fucking much to make that happen, and now Dean’s replacing him. Were he and Jimmy just  _ temporary _ soulmates? Have they outgrown each other? Was Castiel just a placeholder until Dean came along? Does he have some other soulmate out there, some  _ real _ soulmate that’s supposed to come along and replace Jimmy, too? Was it all pretend or some fucking misunderstanding or—

_ Stop _ , he scolds himself. He can’t keep living in this fucking hell of what if’s and why’s. He has to ignore the things he can’t control or understand, and focus on things he  _ can _ .

He can’t bring himself to go back to  his Jimmy’s apartment, but he  _ can _ make new living arrangements. With a burst of energy, he gets off the couch and grabs a notebook from his messenger bag. Tearing out a page, Castiel makes a list of what he’ll need to do to avoid going back to the apartment. Sure, he knows Jimmy’s work hours, but he suspects it’ll be more difficult to navigate at the moment if Jimmy’s worried about him. Better to not deal with it at all. 

To do list:

\- Find new place to live (Gadreel??)

\- Get new textbooks

\- Get new clothes: work clothes, underwear, pajamas

\- Look into getting mail forwarded (need forwarding address…)

\- Reschedule German proficiency test

\- Ask Mrs. Tran to take care of my petunias

There are other things he probably  _ should _ get or replace, but right now he wants to focus on the necessities. What does he need to get through the next week (or two or three)? While he’s thinking it over, he turns his phone back on. He has class tonight and needs to text his classmates to see if any of them will be there early to lend him the textbook for a bit. If he times it perfectly, he can run to the library and make copies of the next chapter before class starts. Otherwise he’ll have to swing by the campus bookstore and see if they have any left.

His phone goes crazy as it turns on, a constant stream of notifications. In shock, Cas goes through the first few. Dozens of missed calls and texts. Some are from Dean, but the vast majority are from Jimmy. He has no interest in hearing what either has to say (a pang in his chest disagrees, desperately wanting to hear their voices even as he reels against the idea of listening to the words themselves), so he studiously ignores them. Swiping away each notification, he opens up his text messaging app and deletes the threads from Dean and Jimmy, and goes to open his most recent conversation with Pamela. After sending a message about the textbook situation, he picks his notebook back up and adds a new item.

\- Get new phone number??

Happy with his list, Castiel grabs some of his new clothes and heads to the bathroom to shower. It’s going to be a long day, but he’ll manage. It’s not like this is the first time he’s had to cut and run.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Jimmy, happily dating

**** Dean fiddles with the phone in his hand, going over what he wants to say a few more times. He’s practiced and practiced it in his head, even roping Jimmy in on it until it’d gotten so ridiculous they’d burst into laughter. Which had led to kissing.  _ Lots _ of kissing. Fuck, Dean hadn’t realized how amazing kissing was until Jimmy, and now he can’t get enough of it. Every time he sees Jimmy, it’s all he can do to keep from jumping the guy. Not for sex—though there has  _ definitely _ been sex—but simply to press their lips together and enjoy the electric buzz passing between them. 

But fun as kissing Jimmy is, it hadn’t helped him prepare for this conversation.

The phone rings once, twice, five times and Dean worries it’ll go to voicemail. This is  _ not _ a conversation he wants to have with a machine. He’s about to preemptively hang up and call again when the line picks up.

“Dean?”

“Heya Sammy,” he breathes out. Fuck, this is nerve-wracking. What was he going to say again? Oh, right. “So I… I started seeing someone.”

“That’s great!” His brother’s voice is a little too chipper and enthusiastic, making Dean wince. “I’m glad you’re dating again. I know how bad you took… uh, how bad your last breakup was.”

“Lisa. It’s okay, man, you can say her name.” Dean knows he’s said as much before, but for once he actually feels like it’s true.

Silence. “Yeah, well, I’m happy you’re happy,” Sam says, deciding it’s better to avoid the Lisa issue altogether. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks.” Even though Sam can’t see him, Dean tries to hide the smile pulling at the corners of his lips. This thing with Jimmy is still new, and he can’t help but be shy about it. He  _ knows _ Jimmy won’t leave him for some mystery soulmate, but that doesn’t erase the years of unease Dean’s felt in relationships. Things are going well, and that terrifies him. Being soulmates doesn’t automatically create a stable relationship, or chase away all of Dean’s baggage. Sooner or later, it’s going to get hard and Dean’s not going to know how to handle that. Arguments aren’t something he’s had to handle with partners. They were never together long enough for it to be an issue, and he’s reasonably confident that Lydia broke up with him preemptively because they were in this weird situation where Dean wanted to move in together but she didn’t. She sure nipped that whole discussion in the bud.

“You’re freaking out, aren’t you?’

“What?” Dean wonders how long he’d been zoned out. “No!”

“Dean…” That’s Sam’s long-suffering-brother voice, and out of habit it makes Dean huff indignantly. “I know you’re worried about the whole soulmate thing, but I think you really focus too much on it. I know there’s me and Jess and Mom and Dad, but there are  _ plenty _ of people who have good, solid relationships without being soulmates. Look at Bobby and Ellen!”

“Yeah, but their soulmates are dead,” Dean automatically answers. They’ve had this exact conversation almost verbatim. Sam tries so hard to convince Dean that it’s okay, that he’ll find someone who’s right for him and live happily ever after and blah blah blah. In Sam’s defense, he’s never sugarcoated and insisted that Dean had a soulmate, just that he could work around that issue. (“See, that right there’s the problem, Dean. It doesn’t have to even be an issue.”) Turning his attention back to the phone, he adds, “It’s not like they’re holding out looking for something more. They  _ know _ where their soulmate is, and they’ve got the closure on that to move on to something else.”

“Ugh, you  _ always _ obsess over this soulmate thing. Seriously, you need to let it go or you’re never going to be able—”

“I kissed him. Jimmy. My boyfriend. I uh… I kissed him.”

Dean imagines every other time he’s said those words to his brother. The first few times were met with hope until Dean had given the inevitable denial. By the time Lisa came around, Sam had become a lot more guarded and careful, but his worry for Dean was clear. And completely warranted—Dean’s gotten worse at handling the rejection. At this point, Dean’s pretty sure Sam’s wincing and wishing he were there to start pouring the whiskey and talk him through it. 

“Dean,  _ please _ don’t worry about it,” Sam pleads. “I seriously don’t want you fixating on this while you’re dating him. Jimmy deserves you putting your full trust into this relationship. Don’t get hung up on a kiss.”

“Sam, it’s okay… He uh.. I mean,  _ we _ …” Dean’s imagined this moment a million times throughout his life, and he never expected it’d be so hard to get the damn words out. “There were sparks, Sammy.”

The tense, drawn out silence that follows is absolutely deafening, until it’s abruptly broken by a sharp exhale. “Oh thank  _ god _ . Fuck, man, I’m so happy for you. Seriously. I… I’m speechless, that’s how excited I am. Holy shit…”

“Calm down,  _ Samantha _ , it’s not that big of a deal,” Dean teases, but now there’s a full blown grin on his face and he actually lets himself enjoy this shared moment of joy with his brother. 

“Yeah, right,” Sam laughs. “Is he coming for Thanksgiving? Mom and Dad are gonna wanna meet him.  _ I _ want to meet him. Wait, have you told Mom and Dad? Does Jo know? She says you were moping lately so I don’t think—”

“Sam? Chill. We haven’t talked about Thanksgiving or anything yet. This is still kinda new, so I don’t know if I wanna force him into that just yet. I mean, we’re still figuring this stuff out for ourselves, and having family hovering kinda complicates things, y’know?”

“Yeah, yeah I get that.” Dean knows all about the stress Sam dealt with meeting Jess’ family a few years ago. He’d bent over backwards to make a good impression, but Jess’ dad had still given him shit. It’d made for a rocky start and Dean doesn’t think he can handle that right now. 

Or ever. He’s already got enough on his plate with whole Cas thing. Dealing with more family drama sounds like the kiss of death to this thing with Jimmy. 

“So… Tell me about him. Jimmy? How long have you been together? What’s he like?”

“He’s fucking  _ awesome _ . Met him a while back but we’ve only been together a few weeks. Super hot, great sense of humor, creative, smart, the whole package, really. I’m crazy about him.”

“That’s great. I can’t wait to meet him.”

“Yeah, I can’t wait for you to meet him either.” Dean chews on his bottom lip. This only the first half of what he needs to say, and this was hard enough to do that he’s not sure he has the energy to keep going. 

Sam, however, senses his unease. “There something else you’re not telling me? Because if you need to talk, you know I’m here for you.”

“I know.” Of course he knows, but it still took a couple weeks to build up the courage to do this. “So uh… Jimmy’s great and all that, but I kinda… I was kinda maybe dating his brother before this? Not dating-dating, but there was definitely a friends with benefits thing going on. And I think I fucked up pretty badly with that whole situation, because now Cas—his brother—won’t even talk to me or Jimmy.”

“Of course you did. Only  _ you _ could possibly find yourself in a situation like this.” There’s a sigh and some shuffling on the other end of the line. “Alright, let’s hear it.”

Talking to Sam helps. At the very least it gives him a sounding board, a way to get a lot of things off his chest. Dean starts at the beginning, which means starting with Cas and German.

(“I wondered how the fuck anyone got  _ you _ on a plane. Turns out all we needed was a cute guy for you to bang.” 

“... I wasn’t actually banging him when we left.” 

“But you  _ wanted _ to bang him.” 

“No comment.”)

Sam listens, occasionally asking questions but otherwise letting Dean talk. Dean tries to stay focused on the just the facts, but at one point he mentions drowning in Cas’ blue eyes and he knows he’s rambled a little too far off topic. Thankfully, Sam doesn’t tease him about it. By the time he gets to kissing Jimmy, he’s emotionally drained. 

“And we kinda slipped into dating after that. It’s been like really fucking awesome most of the time. But Cas basically disappeared off the face of the planet. He won’t talk to me, he won’t even talk to Jimmy, and hasn’t gone back to the apartment. Jimmy took a few days off work to wait around for him, but nothing. Now he can’t stand to be over there, spends pretty much every night at my place because he’s so worried he’s fucked things up with his brother. Which obviously makes me feel like a sack of shit for coming between them, which is the  _ last _ thing I wanted to do.”

“Mind if I ask a few questions?”

Dean slumps further onto his couch, pulling a pillow in for comfort. “Shoot.”

“Did you and Cas ever talk about being exclusive?”

“Nope. Pretty much the opposite. I’m pretty sure if I’d asked him to be my wingman at a bar, he’d have been all for it. And if that didn’t pan out, he would’ve just blown me himself.”

“Gross. TMI, Dean. Did he ever make it seem like he wanted something more?”

“No. And Jimmy says Cas doesn’t do relationships. Never has. He warned me about it and everything.”

“He warned you about it?” Sam asks hesitantly.

“Yeah. Said not to get too attached to Cas because he wouldn’t ever want anything more than sex. Which is what I thought I wanted, so it didn’t really bother me.”

“Okay, so if I’m understanding this… You were fucking one brother, and the other warned you not to try for more, then you  _ kissed _ the second brother, and the first brother got upset and disappeared. Is that about right?”

“Well when you put it that way,” Dean grumbles, “it sounds bad.”

“I’m not judging. You called for my help and I’m here to give you that. But I need to make sure I’ve got all the information before I suggest anything.”

“Kinda sounds like you’re suggesting Jimmy might’ve been lying.”

“I’m not.” Sam’s tone is firm and Dean lets go of his annoyance. It’s unfair of Dean to think Sam wouldn’t be supportive; Sam never cared for Lydia, but he was always there for Dean when they were together. “So Cas won’t go back home and won’t talk to either of you, right?”

“I haven’t even seen him around campus. We used to meet for drinks once a week, and we were studying together for the German proficiency exam, but he’s just friggin  _ gone _ .”

“And Jimmy’s upset.”

“Well yeah he’s upset. How’d you feel if your brother went awol?”

“And you feel guilty.”

“You’re not even asking questions anymore,” Dean whines. “You’re just sayin’ shit you already know.”

“Uh huh.” If they were in the same room, Dean has no doubt his brother would rolling his eyes and patting his head. It makes him curl even more around the throw pillow. “So Cas is clearly upset, but I’m not really in a position to know  _ why _ . Maybe he’s jealous in general that his twin found a soulmate. The two of them live together and spend a lot of time together, he might be afraid of losing his brother.”

“Then why’d he  _ leave _ ? Doesn’t that guarantee losing him?”

“To have some control over the situation? Or maybe he’s jealous that it’s  _ you _ specifically. If he was into you and his brother took that away, that sounds upsetting. And no, I’m not saying Jimmy lied about Cas’ feelings or intentions or whatever. Maybe he didn’t realize Cas was interested in more than sex. Maybe  _ Cas _ wasn’t aware of it, either, until it wasn’t an option anymore.”

“But basically, Cas is jealous.” Dean turns the idea around in his head a few times. It sounds plausible. More than that, it sounds  _ likely _ . Yet jealousy should’ve brought tension between the three of them, not Castiel abandoning his apartment in the middle of the night. Cas has always been reasonable and seemed the more level-headed of the twins. Being upset about Dean hooking up with his brother—for  _ whatever _ reason—shouldn’t result in him leaving. This is an act of passion that doesn’t make sense with the information Dean has. There’s  _ something _ missing, some piece of the puzzle he doesn’t have.

“Well,” Sam’s voice startles him a little, “it’s either that or he’s a giant drama queen throwing a tantrum for attention.”

“Drama doesn’t really seem like Cas’ thing,” Dean admits.

“Then I got nothing. I’m not sure how to help out, either. Sounds like Cas is upset and jealous, and he’s going to have to work through that on his own. If he doesn’t want to talk to you guys, you can’t force it. Just let him cool off and he’ll come around eventually.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

“Then deal with it later. But it’s only been a couple weeks, right? Let him be pissed for a bit, and then when he’s ready grab a beer and talk it out.”

“You make it sound easy.” The idea of sitting down at a table with Cas makes his stomach turn. All he wants to do is apologize and make things right, but  _ doing _ it is terrifying. Maybe because Dean feels a little guilty, like he deserves at least some of the anger Cas has for him, and he doesn’t want to face it. 

There were so many moments he played around with the idea of dating Cas, and there’s no denying the hurt he feels now that the possibility’s closed off for good. 

“It’s not. Sorry. I know you’ve been thinking about finding a soulmate for a while, and now there’s all this to deal with on top of getting to know each other. But you’ll get through it.”

“Yeah?” He forces out a shaky breath. “Soulmates aren’t a guarantee, Sammy. What if he sees how much I’ve messed his life up already and decides I’m not worth the trouble—”

“Dean.” It’s the same tone their dad always used when they were about to do something stupid. A warning, but a stern one. “You are not unloveable. You deserve happiness. If you try to make things work with Jimmy, then they will. Do not give up because it seems hard. Even if you have to work at it, being with Jimmy will be worth the effort.”

Sam’s positive affirmations kindle a spark of hope inside Dean, and he hopes the next few weeks or a meeting with Cas won’t quash it. Dean’s gotten so used to expecting the worst, he honestly doesn’t know if he can get stop doing that. 

“Thanks. I’m really trying not to let this get to me, but…” He shrugs, forgetting Sam can’t see him. 

“But it’s a lot to handle at once. Take it one day at a time. You can talk to me whenever. Seriously, do  _ not _ hesitate to call if you need to. Talk to Jo. Talk to Benny. You should really talk to Charlie, she definitely gets the whole soulmate thing causing family drama.”

That much was true. Dorothy hadn’t been out yet when she and Charlie first kissed, and while their friends didn’t have much issue with it, her parents took some getting used to the idea. If they hadn’t been soulmates, Dean’s not sure what would’ve happened, but Dorothy and Charlie figured it out. Here’s hoping he and Jimmy can too.

“Yeah, that’s not a bad idea.” There’s the sound of keys jingling in the door. With how often they spent their nights together, he’d given Jimmy an extra set of keys, and the other man had basically taken that as an invitation to move in. Not that Dean’s complaining; Jimmy being around all the time was pretty much ideal. With company there to distract him, Dean rarely had time to dwell on all the shit he’d unloaded on Sam. “Look I gotta go.”

“Alright. Call me in a couple days to let me know how things are going. I’ll hold off on telling Jess about this or she’ll probably just book us a flight out there to meet the guy.”

Dean snorts. “Yeah that sounds about right. Why don’t you let me tell her myself so I at least can be there when she makes plans to invade my apartment.” After a quick good-bye, he hangs up. Willing himself to relax, he sits up on the couch as Jimmy comes around the corner into the living room. “Hey babe. How was work?”

Jimmy shucks off his shoes and stomps over to the couch, falling onto the cushions and laying his head in Dean’s lap. “Another painful reminder that I don’t want to do this stupid job the rest of my life.” 

Dean winces. On top of the other Cas-related guilt he feels, there’s of course the fact that Cas and Jimmy were hoping to start their business next year. They should be planning and putting together business proposals, and instead Cas is gone.

Jimmy either ignores or doesn’t notice Dean’s reaction. One moment he’s pouting and the next he’s shoving a little folded index card into Dean’s face. There’s a messy sketch of Dean in an apron with Jimmy kneeling at his feet. On the inside it reads:  _ I’m tired, please take a care of me with a home cooked meal and all the sex.  _

In spite of everything, Dean chuckles. “You hungry, I take it?” he asks, rubbing his hands through Jimmy’s hair, massaging his scalp with every pass. 

“Uh huh.” Jimmy burrows deeper into Dean’s lap. His nose brushes against Dean’s navel and kisses him through the thin cotton of his shirt. He looks so adorable there, so at home and comfortable in Dean’s touch, that Dean knows he’s totally screwed. It’s only been a few weeks, and he’s already halfway in love with Jimmy.

Dean tries not to focus on how easy that would make it for Jimmy to break his heart.

“You want burgers or meatloaf?”

“I changed my mind,” Jimmy mumbles as his hands slip around Dean’s waist. “No food, just snuggles. Order takeout, put on a movie, I don’t care as long as I don’t have to move.”

“You know, even if I order food I’m gonna have to get up to open the door.”

“They don’t have drone delivery services yet that’ll fly it in your window? I thought this was the future.”

“The future is bleak, what can I say.” Dean keeps putting gentle pressure on Jimmy’s head as he opens up a browser on his phone and orders them some thai food. They stay like that for a while until Dean finally gets up the nerve to ask, “You hear from Cas yet?”

There’s enough of a pause that he thinks Jimmy might not answer him. But eventually, a tiny, flat voice whispers, “No.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” Dean moves his attention to the back of Jimmy’s neck and between his shoulderblades. “He’ll come around.” 

Abruptly, Jimmy pushes himself up and out of Dean’s grasp. “He’s being such a  _ child _ . I don’t understand. It’s not like I have to choose between either of you. Hell, I’m not even trying to take you away from him. If you two still wanted to…” He waves his hands in a vaguely rude gesture that Dean’s not entirely sure he understands the logistics of (is he implying Dean has two dicks?) before continuing his rant, “If the assbut would just  _ talk _ or at least  _ listen _ , I’m sure we could straighten everything out. 

“Wait, back up… Are you saying you’d be fine with me and Cas fucking, even though you and I are dating and he’s your brother?”

Jimmy blushes slightly and won’t quite meet Dean’s eye. “I’m not saying it wouldn’t be weird, but I’d be fine with it. Especially if the alternative is never seeing him again.”

That nagging sense that he’s missing something makes Dean uneasy. If the situation were different, if this were a casual relationship built on sex like what he had with Cas, then he’d probably waggle his eyebrows, call Jimmy kinky, and ask if he wanted to watch while he bent Cas over and plowed into him. But Jimmy,  _ his soulmate _ , is suggesting they sleep with other people. With his own  _ twin _ . 

A knock at the door snaps him out of his tailspin. At least paying the delivery guy and getting plates ready keeps him from having to think about the implications of what Jimmy said. They're halfway through dinner and a rerun of Iron Chef before he's forced to deal with it.

“I freaked you out, didn’t I?”

“Huh?” Dean wipes curry from his lips and suddenly finds himself incredibly thirsty. The beer bottle buys him a few more seconds of time before he has to answer. “What do you mean?”

“With the Cas stuff. I get it, it's weird. Everyone always talks about how hot it'd be to be with twins.” Jimmy punctuates his annoyance with an eye roll and twirl of his chopsticks. “But if it  _ actually _ comes up, they panic.”

“You're speaking from experience.” Dean tries to picture Jimmy or Cas bringing this up with previous lovers. He's not even surprised, but there's definitely envy there. “You've brought this up to other people before?”

Jimmy shrugs and continues to eat his dinner with forced nonchalance. “Once or twice. Mostly as a joke. One time I did it to purposely freak out one of Cas’ fuck buddies. We only ever did anything like that with one person, and only once. But it was kinda fun and super hot and kinky. I'd be up for it again. I mean, assuming you'd be okay with that.”

It's not like Dean can deny the fantasies he's had about the twins. Before hooking up with Cas, his imagination had run wild with all sorts of scenarios that featured not one but two blue-eyed beauties between his sheets. And maybe, he'd been briefly disappointed after kissing Jimmy. Not that Jimmy isn't amazing and probably way too good for an emotionally stunted guy like Dean, but there are times he misses the smell and taste and feel of Cas. He'd given up on ever being with him again, yet here Jimmy is, dangling the idea in front of him. 

It feels kind of like a test. The hesitancy in Jimmy's voice, his defensive body language, it could mean anything. What does he want Dean to say? To admit he wouldn't mind fucking into Cas’ warm heat one more time? Or to affirm that he only wants Jimmy? He so badly doesn't want to screw this up, leaving him paralyzed.

“Cas doesn't want anything to do with me,” he deflects weakly.

“Yeah, because he’s being a fucking idiot.” There’s a bitter tinge to his words that Dean wants to fix. If only he knew how. “Let’s not talk about Cas right now. If my brother wants to make himself miserable, that’s his problem. You and I, on the other hand…” Jimmy leans over to rub his nose against Dean’s before stealing a kiss, slow and sensuous and setting Dean’s skin on fire with an electric buzz that he will  _ never _ get tired of. “ _ We _ are going to have a good night fucking each other senseless and then call in sick tomorrow so we can do it again in the morning, then spend the day pretending it’s a post-apocalyptic world and the only safe place is the bed.”

Dean steals another kiss. “What kind of post-apocalyptic world we talking about? Zombies? World War Three? Running out of fossil fuels?”

“Clearly this is a Skynet scenario. There are terminators running rampant, but they’re too lazy to look indoors because reasons. We’ll be safe under the covers for sure. Robots are allergic to Egyptian cotton and are mystified by memory foam.”

The last knot of tension disappears with a throaty laugh. Jimmy’s such a fucking dork, and Dean’s totally smitten with him. “Sounds reasonable. I’m thinking I could be talked into spending an apocalypse with you.”

“Just one?” Jimmy asks as he slips into Dean’s lap. His arms encircle Dean’s neck and his fingers tickle the hairs curling there. “My skills don’t end with knowing the weaknesses of murderous robots. I’ve got a home remedy for curing zombie infections and I’m sure I could charm my way into a fallout shelter if we needed it.”

Dean’s hands come up to Jimmy’s waist, holding him in place while he grinds their hips together. “Yeah, I bet you could. Especially considering the way you charmed yourself into my pants.”

“Well, your pants aren’t exactly Fort Knox—” Jimmy squawks and tries to wiggle out of Dean’s grip as he tickles up and down his sides. “No— _ stop _ !” Jimmy shouts between fits of laughter. “Stop or I won’t volunteer as tribute to save you from a dystopian battle royale!”

“Why don’t you  _ make  _ me stop?” Dean challenges, fingers finding their way under Jimmy’s work shirt and dancing mercilessly along the exposed skin. The men wrestle on the couch as Jimmy tries to squirm away or tickle back. Dean only stops when Jimmy leans down to kiss him. It’s long and drawn out, the sparks building in intensity as they explore each other’s mouths. The sparks never get as intense as that first kiss, but they get close enough that Dean’s mind whites out in pleasure. 

That night in Jimmy’s arms, Dean forgets all about his worries.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy finds Cas

**** It’s surprisingly easy to get used to sleeping alone.

Castiel has shared a bed almost every night since he and Jimmy moved in together, and quite a few before that. The first week after moving into Gadreel’s spare room turned office turned temporary guest room, he’d woken up every morning crowded onto the futon stuffed in the corner behind a desk, feeling cold. By the fifth morning or so, it no longer bothers him. It’s merely part of his day, completely unremarkable and certainly no worse than any of the other shitty times in his life.

Falling asleep is a lot harder. Even weeks later, he bundles up in his borrowed blankets and chants the same mantra in his head until he drifts off:  _ I do not miss Jimmy I do not missy Jimmy I do not miss Jimmy I do not miss Dean I do not miss Jimmy I do not miss Jimmy—  _

In those vulnerable moments before sleep takes him, he sometimes sheds a couple tears or whimpers for the familiar warmth of his brother. And only in those moments is he willing to admit to himself how much his life really sucks right now. He’s not even  _ living _ , he’s just surviving the shitshow of being on his own. He’s  _ never _ been without Jimmy this long. Even when he was in Germany, they’d called and texted and emailed each other all the time, and the day they’d be reunited was a fixed date.

Being cut off from Jimmy fucking  _ hurts _ . It’s like he’s lost a limb, his better half, his best friend… Day by day he manages and holds out hope he’ll get past this stupid  _ need _ for someone who isn’t even his anymore. 

But Jimmy he expected to miss. He’d spent years longing for him before they kissed. What really guts him is how much he misses Dean. 

On top of everything he feels with the whole Jimmy mess, there’s Dean. Dean, who’s so beautiful and charming and smart and honestly not just a good fuck but a good friend. He’s reminded of him every time he sets foot on campus or studies for his German exam. Or gets a drink or watches a movie or sees a particularly vibrant shade of green. Or hears someone tell a terrible joke or when he smells apples and cinnamon or any other type of pastry. His days are full of random reminders of the man who stole his brother and ruined his life, and the worst part is he  _ misses _ the bastard. 

Gadreel’s place is the only space free of reminders of them. He spends most of his time there when he can help it. Even if it’s cramped, it’s one of the few places Jimmy wouldn’t think to look for him and that Dean wouldn’t go to. He’d already had to cut out most of his favorite restaurants, cafes, and bars (goodbye  _ The Front Door _ , you’ll be dearly missed) and he’d drastically cut down on his social outings with friends. Any time he hung out with Anna or anyone else Jimmy knew, he spent so much effort orchestrating specific circumstances where Jimmy wouldn’t be able to tag along or randomly show up. He’s sure they all got the vibe that the twins are fighting, but none of them pry beyond quiet looks shared between them when they think Cas isn’t looking.

Work is hell. Every other reminder of his brother or Dean could easily be avoided, but every day he goes to work and remembers why he took this boring job in the first place and all the effort he’s put into starting a business with Jimmy. Sure, he could still get a new job once he graduates, but it wouldn’t be the same. They’ve poured  _ years _ of their life into that damn business plan and now…

Now he can’t bear the idea of it without thinking of Jimmy.

In his weaker moments, he feels like his life is shattering around him. It might be melodramatic, but that’s all he can think when one evening he steps out of class one evening and sees Jimmy standing across the hall. The ground splitting open and swallowing him whole would hurt significantly less. 

Cas is well aware that he looks like a mess: his ill-fitting clothes, dark circles under his eyes, and two days worth of scruff he hasn’t worked up the energy to shave just yet. One look at him is enough to know something’s off. But Jimmy… Jimmy looks so fucking good it’s not fair. He hasn’t had a sleepless night, hasn’t agonized over the sudden change in his life. And why should he have? He’s had Dean by his side the whole time. Why bother mourning the loss of one soulmate when another’s there to pick up the pieces?

Somehow, he manages to keep breathing. Pointedly avoiding eye contact, he ignores his brother and strides right past him. His stride doesn’t falter when he hears Jimmy following behind. The only problem is if Jimmy tries to follow him back to Gadreel’s place, but he’s pretty sure he could lose him in the post rush-hour traffic. As he plans out a possible escape route in his head, Cas is thrown off-balance when Jimmy pushes him. His surprise is the only reason he puts up minimal resistance when Jimmy grabs him in a headlock and drags him down the hall.

How many times in college had he and Jimmy done this? Waited around for the other to finish class, snuck into an empty closet or classroom and fooled around. Jimmy knows exactly what memories he’s bringing back to the surface when he pushes Cas through the nearest open door and pulls it shut behind them. Fuck him and this manipulative move. If he thinks nostalgia’s going to temper Castiel’s anger, he’s got another thing coming.

“Are you fucking crazy?” he spits out and pushes his brother away from him. Thank  _ god _ the classroom’s empty and hopefully no one saw them disappear inside. Leave it to Jimmy to almost cause a scene.

“What the fuck, Cas?” Jimmy snarls back, matching his brother’s anger and crowding right back into his space. “You fucking drop off the face of the planet for a month and you think  _ I’m _ the crazy one? What the hell?”

“You  _ cheated _ on me!” he explodes. 

Jimmy flinches but doesn’t back down. “I know, and I’m sorry about that. I’ve been  _ trying _ to apologize for that but you  _ won’t talk to me. _ You think I want to ambush you at school? It was either this or at your fucking  _ job _ and this seemed slightly less invasive.”

“Oh, actually considering my feelings as you break the boundaries I’ve set. How thoughtful of you. You have a card made up so I can thank you for that?”

“You  _ assbutt _ ! I can’t-Why won’t you-Fuck!” Jimmy gives up on speaking and dives forward, crushing their lips together and throwing his arms around Cas’ neck. 

Sparks fly. That familiar, low buzzing that’s always there beneath every kiss. It’s such a fucking relief to be able to feel it, to know that there’s  _ something  _ left of their bond. Whatever Dean and Jimmy might be, at least Jimmy’s still  _ his _ soulmate. Drunk on that thought, he lets his fingers tangle in Jimmy’s hair. When Jimmy deepens the kiss and backs him into the nearest wall, he goes along with it. 

Jimmy works a leg between Cas’ knees and gets him hard faster than he cares to admit. He’s so worked up and he wants to blame it on the lack of sex. Since leaving the apartment, he’s only had sex one time. He’d wanted to get back at Jimmy and found a random hookup at a bar. It’d been unsatisfying and he’d felt wrong afterward, so he’d given up trying to fill the void with meaningless fucking. But his body’s current reaction has nothing to do with his self-imposed celibacy. He’s  _ always _ been at Jimmy’s mercy. Castiel, who normally likes to take the lead, is a fucking mess when his twin shows even a hint of dominance. 

This isn’t what Cas wants, though. If they’re going to do this right here, right now, it’ll be on  _ his _ terms. He’s not going to give in to Jimmy like this. If the bastard’s feeling guilty, let him deal with it. 

He doesn’t want to stop kissing, but the thrill of their soulmate bond being affirmed is gone. He wants  _ payback _ . Breaking the kiss, he flips them around so that Jimmy’s back is against the wall. “Get on your knees,” he orders. Jimmy looks at him with hooded eyes but does as he’s told, sliding down until he hits the ground with a dull thud. Castiel traces his lips with his thumb while using the other hand to rip his fly open. 

“This what you want?” Cas growls as he holds the base of his cock and smears precome along Jimmy’s lips. His other hand moves to fist Jimmy’s hair and hold him in place. Jimmy strains against him, tongue darting out to taste but not able to reach the head of Cas’ cock. “Answer me and I’ll let you have it.”

“Yes,” Jimmy moans and fights against Cas’ hold on him. “Want you. Always want you. Please.”

He’s always been shit at saying no to Jimmy. 

Cas presses the tip of his cock against Jimmy’s lips, and he obediently opens his mouth. Without waiting, he pushes in deep. Jimmy gags a little but doesn’t try to move away. He keeps his jaw slack as Castiel thrusts in and out a few times. 

Once he’s coated in spit, he forces Jimmy’s head back so their eyes lock. “You going to let me use you?” There’s barely enough room for him to nod, but he does, swallowing around Cas. Tears are already gathered at the corner of his eyes, but it’s nothing compared to what Castiel has planned. “Good.” And then he doesn’t hold back. He fucks into Jimmy’s willing mouth again and again, hitting the back of his throat and reveling in the filthy noises he forces out of his brother.

“I bet Dean doesn’t do this to you,” he growls. “Sure, Dean likes it rough, but he doesn’t like to take charge like I do. Oh no, I bet you two are so fucking  _ gentle _ and  _ vanilla _ with each other. You think it’ll ever be the same with him as it is with me, huh? You think he’ll ever take you apart the way I do? I know every inch of your body. I’ve had  _ years _ to learn the best ways to drive you wild. You think some fucking new soulmate’s going to take care of you like I have?”

Tears are flowing freely now and Jimmy moves to reach for his belt buckle. Cas shifts so he can body Jimmy closer to the wall and pin his arms back. “No,” he scolds. “This is for me. You’re  _ mine _ right now, you got that?”

All Jimmy can do is moan in response, his hands falling limp at his sides an indication that he’s given in. That’s when Castiel really lets go, using Jimmy roughly for the brief feeling of pleasure. In no way does it make up for how awful he’s been feeling, all the agonized, lonely nights and the ever-present doubts every time he thinks about Jimmy, but it’s something. His orgasm rips through him like a freight train, but the relief is short-lived. Because now they’ll actually have to  _ talk _ .

He tucks himself back in and zips up his pants, wondering what the fuck they’re supposed to do now.

He's both pleased and annoyed to see Jimmy's come in his pants. Pleased that Jimmy enjoyed himself (enjoys  _ Cas _ still), but annoyed that he'd come without permission. Cas’ earlier anger buzzes back to life; this was about  _ him _ finding release after a month of anxiety, not Jimmy… doing whatever the fuck Jimmy’s doing. 

“Have fun?” Castiel asks with as much indifference as he can muster.

Jimmy grunts an answer, getting to his feet and making a face as he adjusts the wet spot at his crotch. “What?” Jimmy coughs around his raw throat, forcing out each word. “I’ve missed you.”

“Your fault,” he snaps, pointing accusingly at Jimmy. He shouldn’t feel so defensive _ —he’s _ the injured party, after all, but he can’t help it. Arguing with Jimmy always takes him back to when they were five, fighting over the bigger cookie or who gets the better seat on the couch. 

“I know, I’m sorry.” Castiel wasn’t expecting an apology. If anything, he expected Jimmy to roll his eyes and tell him to stop being such a petulant child. This is probably more effective, though, since Castiel’s frozen in place as Jimmy keeps talking. “I shouldn’t have done anything with Dean without talking to you first. I got caught up in the moment, and I’m sorry.” Taking a tentative step closer to Cas, he reaches for his hand. “Come home?”

Fucking Jimmy. His resolve wavers and he draws a hand down his face to buy time to process this. His brother’s admitted he fucked up and apologized… It doesn’t make things okay, but it’s enough of an olive branch that he’s willing to consider the offer. Shoulders slumping, he moves his hand to allow Jimmy to take it. “So you’ve ended things with Dean?”

Jimmy startles, hand reflexively tightening around Cas’ before letting go. “No. Of course not. Why would you think that?”

“You’re still seeing him?”

“He’s my soulmate, Cas. I’m not just gonna abandon him.” There’s a jab about his own behavior in there, but he ignores it. “So yeah, I’m still seeing him. Doesn’t mean I don’t want you back, too.”

Castiel’s blood is boiling and he can barely hear himself think over the way it pounds in his ears. “Are you in love with him? Is that what you’re telling me? You love this other soulmate you’ve magically gained?”

Jimmy spreads his arms helplessly. “I don’t know what you want me to say. Yes, I love him. I’ve had a crush on him for months and now that I’m  _ allowed _ to be with him and see where it goes, I love him. Cas, stop _ — _ ” He’s already halfway out the door when Jimmy pulls him back into the room and pushes the door firmly shut. “What, you just gonna fuck and run and not talk about this?”

Violently jerking away, he starts pacing the classroom. He tries calming down, counting to ten in an attempt to stop the dam from bursting, but he only gets to five before rounding on Jimmy. 

“I gave up  _ everything _ for you. Don’t pretend you know how hard this is for me. I’ve lost my brother, my soulmate, and my best friend because of this, and you’ve lost  _ nothing _ . One soulmate swoops in to replace the other, and I may as well have never been there.”

“I still love you, Cas. Nothing’s changed. I still  _ need _ and  _ want _ you _ — _ ”

“Nothing’s changed.” Cas laughs bitterly. “You have a new soulmate, Jimmy. How is that not a change?”

“Castiel.” Hearing his full name throws him for a loop, but he shakes his head to dispel the feeling. “This is an  _ addition _ , not a subtraction. I do not love you any less than I did a few months ago, I _ — _ ”

“Why are you so upset that I left, anyway?” Cas snaps, too upset to even process what his brother’s saying. “I’m doing you a  _ favor _ ! One fake soulmate gotten rid of without any hassle so your real one can fit right into your life. You should be  _ thanking _ me for how easy I’m making this for you.”

“Is that honestly what you think? That I’d  _ want _ Dean or  _ anyone _ instead of you? I want you both, you fucking idiot.”

Cas laughs humorlessly as he toes the foot of a nearby chair. It gives himself something to focus on other than this conversation. It doesn’t really help. “Well, that’s not how this stuff works, Jimmy.”

“Why not? I love you, you love me. We’ve been together since we were sixteen years old, you assbutt. Seems like that’s a pretty fucking solid foundation, and  _ you  _ just wanna throw it all away!”

“Don’t yell at me!”

“ _ You’re _ yelling!”

“I’m yelling because I’m  _ pissed _ ! 

“Well, maybe I’m pissed too!” Jimmy shouts back. The words echo briefly in the room before silence consumes them. 

It never occurred to Castiel that Jimmy might be angry. Why would he be? Sure, he might be upset at Cas for walking out, but even he admitted he’d warranted some sort of outburst by cheating on Castiel. 

“I’m trying to make this work for all three of us _ — _ ”

“It’s him or me,” Cas interrupts. “You get him or you get me.”

“Cas, that’s not fair to Dean _ — _ ”

“Don’t talk to me about  _ fair _ . We’ve been together for seventeen fucking  _ years _ . You’ve been with him for a  _ month _ . The fact that you can’t immediately answer when I tell you to pick between us speaks volumes about how little our relationship means to you.” Realization dawns on him. “Is this… is this because you two can be together? Because you can actually  _ tell _ people he’s your boyfriend, whereas I’m just your dirty little secret?”

Jimmy strides over to him with such purpose that Cas thinks he’s about to be kissed again. He doesn’t see the slap coming until right before his head knocks to the side. 

“You shut your fucking mouth,” Jimmy hisses. “And you listen to me. I love you, you idiot. I don’t want to lose you. I am  _ not _ pushing you away here, that’s all you. But you have to understand that I love Dean, too. Hey!” Cas tries to turn away, but Jimmy grabs his chin and forces him to look him in the eye. “I love both of you. I want and need both of you. The only one getting in the way of that is your stubborn ass. I  _ know _ Dean’s different from Meg and Balthazar and Crowley and April. I  _ know _ you care about him more than you let on _ — _ ”

Hearing that is more jarring than getting slapped. He shakes off Jimmy’s hand and takes a few steps back to get some space and air. He does  _ not _ care about Dean like that. Jimmy’s trying to rationalize things and make himself feel less guilty about the whole mess. “You don’t know shit. I  _ don’t _ care about him. Dean’s fun to hang out with and a good fuck, but it’s not like I wanted to date him. I had  _ you _ , and that was worth more until you fucking threw it away.” Something about the words rings false even to him, but he’s not sure what.

The fire goes out of Jimmy’s eyes. Instead he looks tired as he comes over and fists Castiel’s shirt. He pulls his brother in so that their foreheads touch. “I’m throwing  _ nothing _ away. I am here whenever you want me. I don’t give a shit about people saying you can only have one soulmate. I have two, and I will do everything I can to make it work out with both of you. So if I walk out that door without you, I want you to know it’s your doing, not mine. And I want you to know that I’ll be waiting for you, when you’re ready to come try and make things work.”

He kisses Castiel at the corner of his lips, far enough that only the barest tingle of their bond can be felt. It’s chaste and leaves Cas wanting more, but he stands firmly in place. Jimmy sighs as he strokes Cas’ cheek, then slips away. He lingers in the doorway, fingers tapping against the frame as he waits to see if Castiel stops him. Against his better judgement, Cas doesn’t. With a final sigh, Jimmy squares his shoulders in resignation before heading out the door. 

Soulmates are supposed to be forever. He gave up  _ everything _ for Jimmy based on that. They both lost so fucking much for the sake of being together, yet Jimmy’s willing to cast him aside so easily. All this talk about Jimmy wanting both Castiel and Dean… it’s never going to work. Jimmy’s living a pipe dream. One that looks like it’s going to destroy everything they’ve built.

Castiel stands there in the empty classroom for a long while, wondering how the hell he and Jimmy ended up here to begin with. 

They were always very careful. They had to be, to keep their parents from finding out. Two years of not getting caught, though, and they got sloppy.

To be fair, they should’ve had some time to themselves. Their high school graduation ceremony had ended and they’d come right home. Their parents were downstairs, getting ready for their guests to arrive for a barbeque to celebrate. With their dad busy on the deck getting food ready and their mom taking care of the decorations, they’d had enough time to slip upstairs unnoticed. To change, of course.

And maybe for Castiel to tease Jimmy with the sight of the plug he’d put in that morning. The real plan had been to sneak out of their party for a quickie, but Jimmy had convinced him they had time then. Castiel weakly protested even as he helped Jimmy undo his pants and bent himself over his desk. 

“Can’t wait til we get to school in the fall,” Jimmy whispered as he nipped along his neck and breached Cas’ ready hole. “When I can make you beg for my cock and give it to you whenever we want. You want that?”

“What do you think?” he asked while rolling his hips backward. For all his bravado, Jimmy was so easy to wind up and Cas knew all too well how to get him going. “I think it’s the other way around,” Cas teased, meeting Jimmy’s thrusts and moving a hand to stroke himself. “I think  _ you’ll _ be begging to fuck me, and whenever  _ I _ want your cock in me, I’ll take it.”

“Yes,” Jimmy moaned. “Yes yes yes yes  _ fuck yes— _ ” 

The door flinging open startled Castiel into an unsatisfying orgasm, and his come spurting all over his belly and desk. Jimmy’s thrusts stuttered to a stop before he slipped out of Cas altogether. There were all of two seconds of silence before their father marched over and grabbed Jimmy by the arm, swinging him out of Castiel’s reach. “What in the name of God are you two doing?”

“We’re soulmates,” Jimmy said weakly as he tried to pull his pants back up. 

The blow came so quickly that Castiel heard it before he registered seeing it. Jimmy’s face jerked to the side and his eyes went wide. Castiel leapt forward, his only goal to make their dad let Jimmy go, but he ended up with a blow to the gut for his efforts. He toppled over, dropping to his knees and dragging in a shallow breath. Terror gripped him and he stayed there, frozen as his father and brother argued.

“How  _ dare _ you _ — _ ”

“We’re soulmates!” Jimmy repeated with more conviction. “It’s gotta be okay, right? God wouldn’t make us soulmates if it were wrong!”

“It shouldn’t have mattered!” he shouted. “You’re  _ brothers _ . You shouldn’t have been  _ kissing _ to find that out in the first place. Aren’t you dating Amelia?”

Jimmy’s mouth snapped shut at that, and he looked guiltily at the floor. He’d never been thrilled about using Amelia as a cover, but the two of them had worked something out. She obviously didn’t know about the twins’ relationship, but she knew what she had with Jimmy wasn’t serious. A high school fling that they planned to end this summer. Amelia wanted a chance for them to find their soulmates, and Jimmy had readily agreed to the easy out; they casually dated as friends more than anything else, enjoying each other’s company and the fun of going to the movies and restaurants together.

“You two were fornicating  _ in my house _ ,” their father continued, fueled by his rage and indignation. “You laid with your own  _ brother _ , and you  _ dare _ impugn God’s gift of soulmates by using it as an excuse for a sin like this.”

“And you fucking hit your children? What would your god think about that?” Jimmy snapped, cheek still damningly red.

“You of all people are not in a position to make assertions about what the Lord would think right now.”

“What’s going on up here? Are you boys roughhousing? The guests’ll be here… soon…” Their mother trailed off as she took in the scene before her: Jimmy struggling against their father’s iron grip; their father’s face twisted in disgust almost beyond recognition; Castiel on the ground with come drying on his stomach and lube leaking out of his asshole; neither brother had been able to put their get their pants back on properly, incriminating them even more. In her shock, she squeezed the red balloon in her hands so much that it popped. 

The illusion of calm shattered with it, and everything happened in rapid succession after that. “You want your ungodly union, you can have it,” their father spat darkly as he threw Jimmy to the floor next to Cas. “You get your things and you leave. You aren’t welcome here anymore.”

“Wh-what about the party?” Jimmy asked. A cold gaze was all the answer they got from their father. Their mother turned away. “What about college?” he squeaked. “The tuition _ — _ ”

“Isn’t our problem. I was going to pay for my sons to attend school. I have no sons now.” He walked over to their mother, guiding her out of the room. “You have an hour. If you’re not out by then, I’m calling the police.” Then they were gone and Castiel could hear his mother sniffling all the way down the stairs. He had the uneasy feeling in his gut that it was the last time he’d ever see the two of them again. 

Jimmy sat there gawking for who knows how long, but Castiel forced himself to get to work. He didn’t bother cleaning himself up; he pulled his pants back up and then dug through their closet for their suitcases. Normally he was a meticulous packer, creating a list of everything he was bringing and neatly organizing it. There was no time for that kind of care now. 

Without much thought, he went through their clothes and shoved a bunch of everything in. He wasn’t feeling terribly sentimental at the moment - and with good reason - so he ignored the photo albums and all that, instead opting for smaller things like his first stuffed animal and Jimmy’s childhood blankie. Everything else would have to stay behind. 

_ Good riddance _ , he couldn’t help but think, though he suspected he’d miss all of it sooner rather than later. 

He grabbed their backpacks and stuffed them full of random things. Laptops, toothbrushes, notebooks, pens and paper, a few books, anything that would fit and that might be useful. The problem was they’d never been on their own before. How could Castiel have any idea what was useful or what wasn’t? 

At some point, a terrible  _ POP _ sounded throughout the house. Jimmy jumped, finally blinking back into awareness. Another and then another, over and over without stopping. Castiel cringed, imagining his father going through all the balloons in the living room and popping them one at a time. There had to have been fifty of them. He couldn’t think of a worse soundtrack to finish packing up his childhood to. At least it got Jimmy to his feet so he could help pack the rest. 

When their hour’s almost up, they head downstairs. Their bags were nearly bursting at the seams, but there was still so much they were leaving behind. To think that their lives now fit inside two suitcases, two backpacks, and a duffel bag was absurd. 

At the bottom of the staircase, they couldn’t help but notice the mess in the living room. Streamers hurriedly torn down and stuffed into a corner. Dozens of broken balloons. A ripped  _ Congratulations Grads! _ sat on the edge of the coffee table. And their mother in a corner of the couch, bawling her eyes out. 

“Mom?” Jimmy’s voice was so broken and it hurt Castiel to know he’d caused it, in a way. If he’d never kissed Jimmy _ — _

Their father appeared in the doorway, cutting off the thought and blocking their view of their mother. “There’s a taxi waiting outside for you. I paid ‘em to take you to the bus station. Wherever you go from there, you’re on your own.”

“How  _ generous _ of you,” Castiel sneered. Their father’s hard eyes turned on him for the first time since this all started. “Paying for our taxi so you can believe yourself to be the ‘good Christian’ even as you kick your children out on the streets, when really it’s just so the neighbors won’t see us leaving with all our worldly possessions in tow. We don’t want your pity or your money. I’ve always known what kind of man you are, but I thought maybe when it came to your own children you’d have a bit more class. I’m sad but not surprised to find out that’s not the case.”

His face went red with anger and he opened his mouth to respond, but Castiel turned away. If their father was going to wash his hands of them, he was going to do the same. And if their mother was going to let it happen, well, that was unfortunate but not unexpected. He took Jimmy by the hand and lead him outside. They walked right past the taxi and kept going, dragging their suitcases behind them and heading further into town.

“I’m not gonna lie,” Jimmy said after a few blocks, “seeing you stand up to Dad was kinda hot.” He swung his hips over so they bumped against Castiel. The flirt was halfhearted at best, but it broke the tension that’d kept them quiet so far. 

“Well he’s an assbutt who deserved to hear the truth about it for once.”

They went a few more yards before Jimmy whispered, “I’m sorry I pushed for sex before the party. I was so stupid, I completely forgot to lock the door and I was probably too loud and...” He swallowed hard and shook his head. “I’m sorry. This is all my fault. We should be at home celebrating with our friends, and now we’re homeless.”

“I could’ve stopped you and I could have locked the door just as easily as you could have. So let’s not worry about assigning blame. There’s more than enough to go around. It’s done, so we may as well put it behind us.”

Jimmy ‘s long slow exhale told Castiel how relieved he was to hear Castiel forgive him. “Okay. What do we do now?”

“Stop by the bank? Grab some cash?” They might be cut off from their parents, but they had their own savings from working summer jobs. There was also their inheritance from their grandparents. When their grandmother had passed, she’d left a substantial sum for each of them in a trust fund. They were both eighteen now and could access to it without their parents’ permission - thank  _ god _ for small miracles - but the thirty grand she’d left them seemed paltry now that they would have to live off of it.

Halfway into town, one of their former teachers had seen them. Concerned, Mrs. Hanscum had pulled over. She took one look at their suitcases and insisted on giving them a ride wherever they needed to go. As she took them to the bank and then the train station, not once did she ask what had happened or pressure them to go back home to work things out. There was something in her tone that made it clear she was there to listen if they wanted to, but also that she trusted their judgement as young adults if they didn’t want to.

They bought tickets for the first train leaving the state. South Carolina it was. 

All the plans they’d had for their future were gone. There was no real plan on where to go from there. The two of them made it up as they went along. For years it was a struggle of figuring out how to survive. 

Without their parents covering their tuition, they obviously couldn’t go to the school they’d planned. They got retail jobs as soon as they could and worked grueling hours just to afford rent and attending the community college a few blocks away from their shitty apartment. Castiel had always dreamed of being a linguist or a translator, but the school didn’t offer anything even remotely close to that. Instead he resigned himself to accounting. He was good at it and it would guarantee him a job later on, and they really needed a way to support themselves. 

Jimmy had always planned on doing art, and he took every art class he could fit in. By the time graduation rolled around a few years later, money was so tight he took the first job he was offered. He’d hoped to turn the boring job working at a greeting card company into something more creative. Every day Castiel would come home from his awful job to find Jimmy making dinner and a new handmade card on the table for him. 

_ Thanks for being the best boyfriend/brother a guy could ask for <3 P.S. I’d really appreciate it if you’d blow me after dinner ;) _

_ Thanks for working a boring job just to put food on the table - ily _

_ Thanks for being you - You’re like a smarter, nicer, but admittedly less hot version of me =P _

Castiel kept them all in a box under his side of the bed, occasionally going through them whenever he needed a pick me up. No matter how bad things got, he’d always have Jimmy. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy and Dean have problems

**** Jimmy comes back to Dean’s place one night looking absolutely  _ wrecked _ . His eyes are stormy, his hair a mess, and there’s something about the way he moves that puts Dean on edge. Without more than a grunt Dean’s way, Jimmy heads to the bathroom and locks himself in for an unreasonably long shower before going straight to bed after. 

Dean’s had plenty of shitty days in his life, so he doesn’t push Jimmy to talk about it. He crawls into bed behind Jimmy and holds him while he sniffles but doesn’t cry. Fragmented dreams full of concern melt into pleasure until he wakes up in the middle of the night being stroked to full hardness. Groggy and confused, he doesn’t piece together what’s happening until Jimmy’s coating him in lube and straddling his waist.

“Do you love me, Dean?” Jimmy rasps out as he sinks down on his cock.

Too asleep to think about the consequences, he answers with a broken, “Yes!” 

Jimmy starts riding him, brutally efficient “Say it.” It sounds like a command, but even in the dim lighting, Dean can see the manic look hiding under the surface. “Tell me.”

“I love you, Jimmy.” He’s rewarded by an increased pace and the sight of Jimmy taking his own cock in hand. “I love you I love you I love you-” Dean chants it again and again until Jimmy bends over to kiss the words away. The sparks fly through him like a punch to the gut, and he finds himself moaning in pure bliss. This is everything he’s ever wanted but long gave up hoping for. 

They taste each other, move together, until Jimmy sighs in relief and comes all over them. He keeps fucking himself onto Dean, working him to orgasm, barely even slowing down through his own. Dipping a hand between them, Jimmy runs his fingers through his come, teasing along Dean’s lips until Dean opens up and sucks his fingers clean. The combination of Jimmy clenching around him and his come-soaked fingers in his mouth has Dean arching as he spills into him. 

Dean’s completely spent. Physically exhausted, he lies there while Jimmy cleans them up with his shirt before discarding it on the floor. He wraps himself around Dean, nuzzling into his neck. “You know I love you too, right?” Feather-light kisses tease along his jawline and an equally light touch tickles the hairs on his belly. “Like, a lot. A lot a lot.”

“Yeah?” Dean’s heart melts right then and there. Luckily he’s too damn tired to show how moved he is. Last thing he needs is for Jimmy to start calling him a sap. “Good to know.” They stay like that, with Dean running his fingers through Jimmy’s hair while Jimmy hums what sounds suspiciously like Spinal Tap. This moment right here, it’s perfect. Dean holds onto that feeling for as long as he can, hoping he’ll be able to fall back asleep with it keeping him warm.

Try as he might, he can’t leave well enough alone.

“Not that I’m complaining, but… what was that about?”

Jimmy hums a few more notes before he sighs. “Sorry… I don’t know what came over me. I guess I was kinda feeling unloved for a bit. Needed to hear that  _ someone  _ actually loves me.”

This seems like an inappropriate thing to ask, the beginnings of an argument or the fringes of something they shouldn’t be talking about, but the words tumble out anyway. “Is this about Cas?”

The silence stretches out so long Dean’s not sure he’s going to get an answer at all. Wondering what  _ no _ answer implies will keep him up all night, so he’s deeply thankful that Jimmy actually gives him one. 

“Yes. I saw him earlier today. No, he didn’t come back home or contact me. I kind of cornered him after one of his classes. Probably not the best way to handle things, but it felt like he’d left me no choice.”

Dean takes a second to digest that. It certainly explains Jimmy’s foul mood when he came home. “He’s still pissed, then?”

“That’s putting it mildly,” Jimmy grumbles. “He’s jealous and feels betrayed and I can’t exactly argue with him on either point. I know he’s just being a stubborn dick right now, but it’s  _ frustrating _ that he won’t even  _ listen _ . I told him to  _ trust _ me but… But he’s got his head stuck up his ass and I’m not getting through to him.”

Jealous and betrayed make sense, but Dean’s not sure he’s getting the whole story. How would an argument between brothers, even a huge blowout, end with Dean and Jimmy having sex? He gets wanting to feel loved, but Jimmy’s conflating the brotherly love he and his twin share with the soulmate bond he and Dean have. His brain struggles to come up with an adequate explanation, the barest hint of an idea forming before he snuffs it out. Dean’s not even sure  _ what _ the idea was, but it seemed like a dangerous one to entertain, even for a second.

“Want me to talk to him?”

“Sweet of you to offer, but that’s probably not a good idea right now. He’s pretty pissed at both of us, and you probably don’t know just how scary an angry Castiel can be.”

Dean’s mind flashes back to Germany, to the times when Castiel would be particularly demanding. Every word he uttered was a command, one he expected to be followed and that brokered no room for argument. Dean had been so caught up in it, he’d willingly done everything Cas told him to. If he’s intimidated by Cas when he’s  _ horny _ , Dean doesn’t stand a chance standing up to him when he’s angry.

“I can imagine.” Thankfully he’s not able to get hard yet, or the mental image might’ve tipped off Jimmy that Dean’s not necessarily over Cas. He’d never do anything with him now. Jimmy’s his soulmate, for fuck’s sake, he doesn’t want to jeopardize that, but Dean can’t help but miss the other Novak twin. He figured there’d be some sort of awkward phase where they transitioned from being fuck buddies to just friends, but Cas hasn’t been  _ around _ and his brain tends to get stuck on the “fuck buddies” setting more often than it should. 

“What are you thinking about?” 

Dean tenses and scrambles to grab a hold of  _ any _ other topic so the words  _ Cas _ and  _ fuck _ don’t come out in the same sentence. 

“Dean, stop. You’re trying too hard to think of an excuse. You can just tell me. Unless you were thinking of murdering the pope or something, I doubt I’ll be as shocked as you think I’ll be.”

It’d be easy to use that pope line as a joke and steer things off topic (he knows all too well Jimmy’d be happy brainstorming situations that would necessitate killing the pope), but this is Jimmy asking. His soulmate. The guy being brutally honest about how he misses his brother but is willing to stand by Dean even if it means alienating his twin. He deserves for the honesty to go both ways.

“I was thinking about Cas.” He swallows the lump in his throat. “I guess… I mean, you know I was into him beyond the sex. And I’m kinda trying to… not be anymore? My dick’s a little slow on getting the message, is all.” It’s a weight lifted from his chest to admit out loud that he still wants Cas. 

“You ever think about Cas while we’re having sex?”

“What?  _ No _ !”

“You ever think about me when you and Cas were having sex?”

“Fuck, Jimmy,  _ no _ . Not gonna lie, may have thought about you once or twice when I was jerkin’ off, but… It’s not like I think you guys are interchangeable.” God does he know they aren’t. 

“I wasn’t implying you do.” Jimmy stretches, joints popping, and then rolls so he’s on top of Dean. Dean spreads his legs to accommodate him, and Jimmy crosses his arms over Dean’s chest, resting his head there. Jimmy’s a comfortable weight on him, but the piercing blue gaze that’s now directed at him makes Dean want to turn away. It takes a lot of willpower to keep from averting his eyes. “You don’t have to, you know. You don’t have to shut off or ignore what you felt for him just because you and I are together. I’m not the jealous type.”

“Jimmy—”

“You said you were worried you were going to fall in love with him.”

That shuts Dean right the hell up. He’d been a few beers in when he said that, and he’d hoped Jimmy’d forgotten. 

“I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable or attack you,” Jimmy soothes, patting Dean’s sides.  “Cas is a pretty loveable guy, I get it. I want you to know that I understand that feelings like that don’t just disappear overnight. If you’ve still got feelings for him, that’s completely understandable. It might complicate things a little, but I’m not upset by it.”

_ Is Jimmy  _ **_encouraging_ ** _ me to have these feelings?  _

_ No, you’re reading too much into it. He’s trying to make you feel better about perving on his brother. _

“ So what — if I happened happened to run into Cas and banged him right then and there, you're saying you'd be fine with that?”

Jimmy gives a one-shouldered shrug. “I'd prefer a heads up first, but yeah I think in general I'd be fine with it. I mean, don't fuck him on a street corner or something. I don't want to have to bail you two out of jail for public indecency.”

“Public indecency's the problem you have with this?” Dean gripes. 

Dean's baffled. Is Jimmy testing him? This feels like a test. Put him and Cas in the same room right now (or ever, really), and he’s pretty sure he’s going to fail it. 

“Dean... I care about you. And I care about Cas. Together you're the two most important people in my life. If you two occasionally fucking helps make that happen, I can be accommodating.”

“Are you secretly into some weird kinky shit you haven't brought up yet? You wanna watch me fuck someone else?” Again, it’s easier to deflect than admit he wouldn’t be opposed to it. He  _ shouldn’t _ want that. He already has Jimmy, and Jimmy’s fucking amazing. What kind of fucked up asshole would have a soulmate and still long for more? 

Jimmy's eyes light up. “Have you seen you? Fuck yes I'd want to see that, and if you're open to it, that might warrant a longer conversation at some point. I mean, at the very least I’ve got a video camera we could set up. That would be so fucking hot. And I’ve always wanted to try my hand at working in porn, this might be just the break I’ve been looking for — ”

Dean swats him while stifling a laugh. “I love you, you know that?” And Dean really likes being able to say it. “You’re too good for me.”

Jimmy pushes up onto his arms, leaning down to kiss Dean nice and slow. The electricity buzzing in his ears is as comforting as the gentle press of lips. When they break apart, Jimmy winks at him. “I think I’m exactly as good as you deserve.”

Their little heart to heart should make them closer, and it does for a couple days or so. They live in their little bubble of happy domesticity, relatively free of the insecurities that have plagued him for years. Because Jimmy’s awesome and they’re happy and Dean tricks himself into believing they can do this.  _ He _ can do this. 

Then it starts to fall apart.

Dean wakes up alone for the first time in weeks, and a knot forms in the pit of his stomach. He tries to ignore it as he gets up and gets ready for work, but it’s there and he can’t quite shake the feeling that something’s terribly wrong. When he finally walks out to the living room, he sees why.

There’s a card on the coffee table. That shouldn’t mean anything. Jimmy leaves him cards all the time. Compliments, dirty limericks, requests for sexual favors (or promises to give them), those are things he’s slowly starting to expect. It’s nice, feeling loved. But there’s something distinctly ominous about this one. 

The front shows a cartoon of Dean and Jimmy holding hands and rubbing their noses together. It’s cute, but that only serves to make Dean more alert as he flips it open.

_ Dean,  _

_ I need some time to take care of things,  _ __  
_ and I need some time and space to do it. _ __  
_ Please trust that I’m coming back. _ __  
_ I promise it’ll make sense later. _ _  
_ __ I love you and I’ll miss you.

_ \- Jimmy xoxoxo _

Trust that he’s coming back? What the fuck does that mean? Dean rereads the card at least a dozen times, flipping it over and trying to find the hidden meaning  _ somewhere _ , but there’s nothing else. It sticks with him all day at work and at his study group, when he stops to get dinner with Benny, and definitely when he gets back to his place that evening. 

Everything’s the same. Jimmy hasn’t stopped by, isn’t there waiting for him. No text messages to say that he’s late or won’t be over that night. Nothing. Dean tries not to let it bother him, but of course it does. All he can think about is how empty his bed seems with just him in it.

_ Please trust that I’m coming back. _

The next day is more of the same. No big deal, though, right? Dean’s a big boy, he can handle a few days without his boyfriend. The third day’s a lot harder to deal with, because Jimmy still hasn’t sent word on what’s going on. Dean gives in and shoots him a quick message to see if he’s alright, but hours pass without a response, and then it’s a terse  _ i’m fine hope you had a good day _ . He’s so thrown off that he doesn’t try contacting Jimmy again for a few days, and once again he basically gets the same answer:  _ doing good hope you’re having a good week.  _ No jokes, no random emojis, no terms of endearment. What the fuck. 

_ I’m coming back. _

He hasn’t seen or even heard from Jimmy in eight days, so he decides to call. Three attempts and all he gets is voicemail. He tries stopping by Jimmy’s apartment, but his neighbors claim they haven’t seen him in weeks.  _ Weeks _ . That means he was basically living at Dean’s place with him, which Dean had suspected but didn’t want to be true right now.

**Dean W (11:18 pm): where are you man i’m starting to get worried here**

At this point, he wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t get an answer at all. He turns off his phone before bed, not wanting the temptation of checking keeping him up all night. In the morning, there are actually some messages waiting for him, and Dean has to force himself to calm the fuck down so he won’t drop the phone as he unlocks it.

_ Jimmy N (12:32 am) : sorry, outta town for the foreseeable future _

_ Jimmy N (12:33 am): i know this is hard but i’m coming back _

_ Jimmy N (12:34 am): gotta take care of some things and it’s taking longer than i thought _

_ Jimmy N (12:36 am): read the card <3 _

It’s more than he’s gotten in forever, yet Dean gets the impression it’s all he’s going to get. Did they break up without him knowing it? Are they on a break? Was he smothering Jimmy so badly the guy had to ditch him?

_ I love you and I’ll miss you. _

By the end of the second week, Dean doesn’t believe any of it anymore. How does someone who loves you leave you? Soon his mind is turning it around. Jimmy’s not the broken one who’s chased away every boyfriend or girlfriend he’s ever had. That’s Dean, so Dean must be the problem here. He fucked up and Jimmy’s not sure how to tell him. The end’s coming though, it must be. Maybe it already happened and Dean’s too fucking stupid to take the hint.

What the fuck is wrong with him, anyway? Is Dean so damaged he can’t even make his own soulmate happy?

_ Yes, _ he tells himself as he heads to the liquor store for the third consecutive night.  _ Yes he is. _

Dean falls back into his old habits of drinking his problems away, and he falls back on them hard. He’s never been good at talking about this shit, and he’s not exactly tempted to do it now. Relationship talk with Sam and Charlie’s always been those two being overly sympathetic, which just makes him feel pathetic. Bad enough when they were people with soulmates comforting him on not having one, he doesn’t think he can take it hearing people who actually  _ make their soulmate happy _ try to console him about his inability to do anything of the sort.

He could talk to Benny, Jo, or Garth, but that’s not any better. Sure they’d listen and be encouraging, but it wouldn’t help. Garth’s too damn chipper all the time, and Dean can’t handle that kind of endless positivity right now. Jo would tell him to man up and Benny… Benny would pour him another glass of whiskey and help him drink the pain away. The bartender does that just fine, thank you very much, and without the worried glances and constant texts asking him if he’s okay after.

After drinking himself to sleep alone starts to get boring, Dean thinks he knows the only other person out there who might have an idea of what he’s going through.

**Dean W (8:01 pm): come out 4 drinks**

**Dean W (8:03 pm): i’m already like three shots of tequila in u should come help me make it an even 10**

He doesn’t get a response for a while. Long enough for him to finish off the bottle he’s been working through since Sunday. His vision swims in and out of focus, but eventually he’s able to make out the words.

_ Cas N (8:17 pm): Don’t you have a boyfriend who can drink with you? _

**Dean W (8:19 pm): u actually answered me**

**Dean W (8:20 pm): it’s been weeeeeks and NOW you answer me**

**Dean W (8:25 pm): come drink w me**

_ Cas N (8:27 pm): Where’s Jimmy? _

**Dean W (8:29 pm): fuk if i kno**

**Dean W (8:30 pm): disappeared like three weeks ago**

**Dean W (8:33 pm): you novaks got a habit of disappearing**

**Dean W (8:34 pm): your both kinda dicks like that i guess**

Maybe that was the wrong thing to say, because Cas doesn’t get back to him right away. Resigned to spend another night alone, Dean almost doesn’t notice when his phone buzzes again.

_ Cas N (8:29 pm): Meet me at The Front Door in twenty minutes. First round’s on me. _


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas meet up

**** Castiel’s gotten the chance to see Dean Winchester in a lot of situations: studiously taking notes; engrossed in a movie or TV show; giggling as he tries not to laugh at his own jokes; cheeks flushed from alcohol; adorably flustered when he’s been paid a compliment; head thrown back in bliss as Cas rides him through his orgasm; snoring lightly in his sleep. The point is, Castiel’s seen a lot of different sides of Dean. When he walks into the bar, the last one he expects to see is Dean slumped over looking absolutely wretched.

He almost walks out right then and there. He’s not here to comfort his brother’s boyfriend (ex? this looks like post break-up misery). The very idea is absurd. 

Castiel had come here with the hope of getting revenge on Dean for fucking up the perfectly good thing Cas and Jimmy had going. Now, taking in Dean’s exhausted form and the way he clings to his bottle of beer, his plans shift. He’ll comfort Dean, get his mind off this fucked up situation… and if he happens to get some revenge on Jimmy for making him and Dean both feel like unwanted losers, well, all the better.

“This seat taken?”

Dean jumps and nearly knocks over his beer, but he recovers quickly. Pulling out the stool next to him, he waves the bartender over and orders them each a shot and a beer. Once their drinks are settled in front of them, Dean cradles his whiskey and eyes Castiel.

“Didn't think you'd actually show.”

The jab stings, despite everything. It shouldn't—Dean's absolutely right that Castiel's been a terrible friend to the other man lately—but it does. He's let Dean down, which meant nothing to him an hour ago yet now that they're face to face, all he can remember is his affection for him and none of the anger he's harbored the past few months.

“You're only saying that because I've been a complete asshole.” He tries for a half smile, but it feels too forced so he drops it. “I'm sorry. We strictly drinking buddies tonight, or are we here to shit on Jimmy? Because I'm up for either, but it's your party so you make the call.”

“Great,” Dean snorts. “Pity party for two.”

The silence between them as they finish their whiskey isn't as uncomfortable as Castiel would've thought. That's not to say it's at all comfortable, but it's familiar and Cas is pretty sure once they get a few things of their chests it'll be like they'd never been apart.

Except, you know, how Dean's unwittingly responsible for breaking his heart.

_ Well that's progress. At least you're admitting he didn't cause this shit on purpose. _

_ Of course he didn't. He couldn't have known. _

_ That's all Jimmy's fault. _

“I left because I was jealous,” he blurts out. After a moment of shared shock, Cas decides to go with it. After a quick gulp of his beer for liquid courage, he continues. “I'm not mad at  _ you _ . Okay, that's not true, I was  _ very _ mad at you, but it wasn't actually your fault. You and I were just fucking, not like I had any claim to you.” 

_ And my claim to Jimmy isn't one you could've known. Still don't, if I had to guess. _

“Jimmy's the one who fucked up. He should've known I'd be upset. I mean, if he'd at least  _ asked _ first…” He’s not sure how to finish that thought. If Jimmy had asked to fuck Dean, Castiel would've reluctantly stepped aside and let him go for it. Being involved with both twins would have only brought the inevitable end of the affair sooner. 

But as soon as they kissed and told him about the sparks, nothing after that would be any different. Castiel would've left and struggled with the same anger and hurt as he dealt with the internal crisis of his soulmate wanting to be with someone else. At least as things stand, Castiel has the appearance of an excuse to an outsider who has  _ no idea _ what he's stepped into.

“Sorry, Cas.” Dean’s pitiful apology is agonizing. Tears threaten to spill as he sniffles into his beer glass. “Sometimes I wish I could take it all back, cuz this  _ sucks _ and… and…”

Fucking Dean Winchester, who stole Jimmy away. Who’s making Castiel's heart ache because  _ his _ heart aches. 

“Hey.” Cas’ hand comes up to cradle Dean's cheek and wipe away an errant tear. It feels too intimate, so he retracts his hand. “What happened? Where's Jimmy? Why'd he walk out on you?”

_ How could he leave you and not come back to me? Where the hell  _ **_is_ ** _ he? _

“Dunno.” Dean sniffles again, rubbing his face in the crook of his elbow to wipe away the dampness around his eyes. “Things were going okay. He was mopey sometimes, cuz of the whole…” Dean had the good grace not to specify  _ what _ , but Castiel flinches all the same to hear how much he'd hurt his brother, no matter how much he might've deserved it. “But mostly things were good. Then he grew more distant. Always on the computer looking all serious and… I dunno what happened. I woke up one morning and he was gone. Left a card with all this bullshit about how he loves me and he'd be back and to trust him.” By now, Dean's words have turned bitter and he grits his teeth as the last of it spills out. “That was  _ weeks _ ago. All I know is he left town, left  _ me, _ and I hate it.”

Castiel's in awe of how much Dean's opened up to him, and he only regrets he can't do the same. Dean’s vulnerability and honesty deserves the same in kind, but there's no way Castiel can reciprocate. Instead, he focuses on what Dean's said. 

(And completely ignores  _ why _ he feels so compelled to make Dean feel better.)

It doesn't sound like Jimmy to leave liked this. Sure, if they'd broken up he might cut and run, but Jimmy told Dean he'd come back. Told Dean he  _ loves _ him for fuck's sake. It stings almost more than Cas can bear to hear Dean repeat Jimmy's words of love, knowing they’re true, but missing when those words were meant for him alone. But his own pain is beside the point. Jimmy told Dean he loved him and then  _ abandoned _ him. That's fucked up.

“Jimmy's a dick.” Dean blushes and turns away, but Cas reaches over to tug at his sleeve. “Hey, I'm serious. Jimmy's a complete dick if he left without talking to you.”

Dean laughs humorlessly. “We shouldn't be doing this, man. He's your brother, he's my soulmate… We shouldn't be talking about him like this.”

“False. As his brother and soulmate, we have every right to talk shit about him and commiserate in our shared woes caused by him. Besides,” he winks at Dean, “you should hear all the dirt I've got on him. It might make you feel better to hear how he threw up on stage during our first grade choir recital because he ate five churros beforehand. First kid ever to get banned from choir.”

Hearing Dean's laugh—a real one this time, not the fake one from before but this melodious thing that lit up Dean's whole countenance—made Cas’ stomach do strange somersaults. He’d forgotten how much he enjoyed hearing it, how at ease he was in Dean’s company. For the next hour or so, he made it his mission to pull that wonderful sound from Dean’s beautiful lips over and over again.

Castiel tells him stories of their childhood. All the good stuff, none of the messy parts that came from being together. Well, some bad stuff, but only the embarrassing bad stuff. Nothing beyond the realm of what brothers usually overshared. He lets Dean take over the whining after that, offering a friendly ear about how awful a roommate Jimmy can be. 

“He leaves his towels on the floor in the middle of the friggin bathroom! He leaves the  _ milk _ out on the counter, and don’t even get me started on the fact that he drinks 1%. That’s not even milk! That’s just funny tasting water! I’ve also never heard someone snore so damn loudly and he hogs all the blankets.”

He quickly sips his beer to keep from commenting on that last part.

Once the complaints die out, so does the conversation. Castiel can see the loneliness and pain making its way back onto Dean’s face, and he struggles to find something to say and take it away. Floundering to find something— _ anything _ —to get them talking again, he settles on a question he’s been wondering for months now.

“Can I ask you something?” The other man shrugs, which Castiel assumes is as close to a yes as he’s going to get right now. “Why didn’t you want us to kiss?”

Dean snorts. “Fuck, man. You got all serious there, I thought you were gonna ask a hard question. That’s a real easy one, though.” Shaking his head, he heaves a deep sigh. “I didn’t wanna kiss you cuz everything always go to shit after I kiss someone and they're not my soulmate. No one’s ever been willing to settle for me over the possibility of a soulmate, and I figured if I could put off you finding out, then maybe it’d last longer.” Then darkly, he adds, “Turns out it wasn't the soulmate thing after all… it was just me.”

If it were in his power, Castiel would hunt down every last person who ever made Dean feel like less than he is, Jimmy included. Hell,  _ especially _ his brother, because if he and Dean hadn’t kissed in the first place, Castiel could’ve spent  _ years _ making Dean feel worthy—

Until what? Until they kissed and Dean’s anxiety tore them apart? Until Castiel ended things when he felt he’d taken them too far, knowing he’d never be able to commit to Dean more than sex? It’d probably end with this same conversation at some other bar, but instead of Castiel here to comfort Dean, Jimmy’d be doing it.

What a fucking mess.

“So why'd you kiss Jimmy then?”

“I didn't. He kissed me.”

Castiel wants to bang his head against the bar because of fucking  _ course _ Jimmy initiated things. His idiot brother was always so damn impulsive at the worst possible times. All this time, he's wanted to blame Dean because it was easy and convenient. Dean swooped in, made Castiel care about him, then stole his soulmate. It’s so easy to write him as the bad guy… Dean’s looking at him with pleading eyes, asking for forgiveness and understanding and to make the bad feelings go away, and Castiel’s will to keep casting Dean in a bad light dies. Maybe there’s no bad guy here. If there is, it certainly isn’t Dean. 

Jimmy’s not looking so hot right now, though. 

Nudging Dean’s drink closer to him. Cas waits until Dean’s started drinking to ask, “Wanna go back to my place and have drunk sex?”

He’d hoped Dean would choke on his drink, but he pointedly keeps eye contact with Cas as he finishes the last few drops. “So lemme get this straight,” he says while licking his lips. “You’re suggesting we have drunk sex so that… what? I can get back at Jimmy for leaving? And you can get back at Jimmy for kissing me in the first place?”

“Well when you put it like that—”

Dean waves off his protests. “I’m in, but I’m gonna need at least another shot before I’m drunk enough to ignore that this is a bad idea.”

“In that case…” Castiel slides his half-finished beer and starts signaling the bartender for another round of drinks. Ten minutes later, Dean’s closing out their tab and Cas is trying to remember how to call for an Uber. Once he gets that squared away, something decidedly petulant rises up inside him, and he opens up a new chat with Jimmy.

_ Castiel N (11:40 pm): I'm about to bang your boy on our bed. _

_ Castiel N (11:42 pm): Funny how that works out - you ditch your soulmate, and he comes running to me for a sympathy fuck. _

_ Castiel N (11:44 pm): You should be here taking better care of him. _

_ Castiel N (11:45 pm): Guess I'll have to do it for you. _

Pocketing his phone, Cas can’t help but smile the whole ride back.

Cas hasn’t been back to his apartment since the night he walked in on Jimmy and Dean on the couch, but it seems fitting to be there now. Besides, he’s got the feeling Dean wouldn’t want to go back to his place right now, especially if the two of them had been living together there. Weird as it may be, this place is neutral ground.

They manage to keep their hands to themselves until Cas drags Dean into the bedroom. He pushes Dean towards the bed, forcing him to lean down on his arms while Cas lines up behind him. Draping over Dean, he presses hot kisses down his neck and tangles his fingers in Dean’s hair. 

Fuck he's missed this. Not the sex, though lord knows he's been deprived of that lately, but the intimacy of being this close to someone else, someone he admittedly cares about. This is probably a terrible idea for both of them, but for the next few hours he's going to make Dean feel good.

Reaching around hooking his fingers in Dean's belt loops, he guides Dean's hips to his. Dean moans as he pushes back into Cas’ erection. “You going to let me ride you, Dean? You going to let me make you come? You know how good I am, know how good I can make you feel…”

“Yes yes do it, let's…” He fumbles to get his pants off and Cas helps him before doing the same. They've done this enough times to know the routine. Dean strips and centers himself in the middle of the bed while Cas undresses and grabs some lube. When he turns around, he's in no way prepared for what he sees.

Dean's hard cock leaks precome onto his belly. His chest heaves with every breath. He hungrily watches as Cas stalks towards him. All of this Cas has seen before. But now he's seeing Dean about to come undone in  _ his _ bed, where he and Jimmy have fucked countless times. 

Before he can stop it, an image comes to mind. Jimmy spread open on Dean’s dick, lying on top of him while Dean nibbles at his ears and works over his nipples. Cas straddling Jimmy, lowering himself down until Jimmy’s trapped between him and Dean, between his two soulmates. Every time Cas rises up and then slides back down, he'd draw such beautiful debauched sounds from both of them. He'd set the pace, enjoy them writhe beneath him until—

What the  _ fuck _ is he thinking? That's not… that'll never happen. Dean wouldn't  _ couldn't _ want that. No one would accept the twins together like that, right?

Is that what Jimmy wanted? The three of them…?

He bites the inside of his cheek to dispel the confusing thoughts. As arousing as the prospect is, it would never work out. No one in their right mind would understand that the twins are together, at least not once the novelty of a threesome wore off. Better not to let the fantasy take root.

Castiel climbs onto the bed, positioning himself over Dean. Dean’s hands come up to hold Cas’ hips steady while he opens himself up. He distracts them both by thrusting their cocks together. It teases more than takes the edge off, but damn if Dean doesn’t look gorgeous bucking up to meet every thrust. Castiel barely does an adequate job opening himself up, roughly stretching his hole because he wants Dean in him  _ now _ . 

“Missed you,” Cas confesses. It must be the alcohol, because he’s normally not this sentimental. Their mouths are so close together, breathing in the same air and they’re staring at each other. Those lips taunt him, begging to be kissed but still, after everything, he can’t bring himself to break the  _ one  _ rule Dean set. 

Even if Dean couldn’t follow it himself.

“Missed you fucking me. Missed riding you. Missed  _ all _ of you.” Dean shivers but then arches into Cas’ touch as he lines up Dean’s cock with his rim. He doesn’t let Dean think too hard about what he’s admitting, instead he moves until he’s fully seated on Dean. Then he’s fucking himself onto Dean at a brutal pace, wanting to chase away his thoughts as much as he wants to make them both come.

“Did you fuck him in my bed?” Cas growls out, fisting Dean’s hair and yanking it to expose the line of his neck.

Dean looks utterly bewildered and shakes his head. “No, why would he—? Never even fucked here except that first night… Fuck, never even been in  _ his _ room, never mind yours. I don't—”

“Shhh, it's okay Dean, I believe you.”  _ So glad I'm the first to fuck you in this bed, want you to think of me every time you have sex with Jimmy here. Bet you've thought about me when you two are at your apartment. Want everything you do together to remind you of me. _

Why he was being so possessive of a man he’d casually fucked, Castiel has no idea, but he very much likes the idea of claiming him. Tainting him so he can't get hard without imagining burying himself in Cas’ warm heat. Seducing him so thoroughly he’ll never be able to look into Jimmy’s blue eyes without seeing Cas staring back at him.

“Cas,” Dean pleads. “Please please gonna come wanna come oh  _ fuck _ —” Dean keeps babbling even as he spills into Cas, and Cas milks him the whole way through it. Once Dean’s cock stops twitching inside him, Cas stops moving his hips and starts jerking himself off. He’s almost at the edge when Dean’s hand comes up to push his aside and take over. Those calloused hands were always too much for him, and it’s no different now as Cas comes all over Dean’s chest. 

They’re drunk and dead tired and it’s too much of a hassle to do more than wipe the mess of come and lube off on the first piece of clothing they can find (Cas’ boxers? maybe?). Then Dean’s burying his face in the pillows, letting Cas collapse on his back and pull the blankets around them. 

For once, Cas actually stays with Dean through the night.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas reach an understanding

****Dean wakes up slowly. There’s something off—these aren’t his sheets, this isn’t his memory foam, and it’s too cold to be his apartment—but for now those things don’t quite register because he’s pressed comfortably against a warm body, breathing evenly. The hard lines of muscle are familiar, though even those tickle at a memory he’s not able to put together so early.

With no conscious thought, he snuggles closer to the person next to him. They shift slightly, and there’s an appreciative groan from the other man as his morning wood comes into contact with Dean’s thigh. The deep timber and chiseled chest confirm what Dean already suspected. Jimmy’s here, Jimmy’s back, and for once, Dean’s actually _happy_ to wake up. He wants to chase that feeling. Morning breath be damned, he wiggles up until he can nose along Jimmy’s cheek and ears, press gentle kisses to his eyelids before coming down to steal a kiss—

Their lips come into contact, and it’s like a live wire’s gone off. The sparks have faded so much lately that Dean’s left gasping at the intensity of it. Maybe because they’ve been apart for so long…?

He doesn’t question it, just dives back in and kisses Jimmy again. Jimmy’s definitely awake now, but his eyes are closed as they fist into Dean’s hair and roll him on top. Their cocks line up, fully hard and aching, and as they let themselves fall into feverish kisses, they rut desperately against each other. It’s so good. Dean’s missed lazy morning sex. He could come like this, nothing more than the drag of skin together and only their own precome to ease the way. Especially with the sparks so damn _intense_ , there’s no way he’ll be able to last more than a couple minutes.

Judging by the way Jimmy’s moaning into every kiss, digging his nails into Dean’s hips to keep them perfectly lined up, he’s as far gone as Dean. It only makes Dean’s lips more demanding as they claim Jimmy’s mouth over and over, determined to bring Jimmy over the edge before him.

“Oh _fuck…_ ” the man under him groans after a particularly well-placed thrust. “Harder Jimmy....”

Wait… what?

Last night’s events come flooding back to him. The bar, the ride home, the _sex_ —Dean breaks the kiss, taking in the form beneath him. Yeah, that’s definitely Cas. Cas whose dick is gliding against his and who’s seeking Dean’s lips blindly. And who fucking called him _Jimmy_ while doing it.

“Cas?” Dean asks weakly. His voice is rough and husky from sleep, and now there’s a lump of emotion threatening to close it completely.

Instantly, Castiel freezes and his eyes shoot open. He does not at all look like he was expecting to see Dean hovering over him, and in his shock he jerks away so hard the two nearly topple off opposite ends of the bed. Dean recovers faster, a half-formed idea that’s been nagging him for months taking shape in more detail than before. He snags a sheet off the bed and wraps it haphazardly around his waist.

“Dean?” Castiel croaks just before Dean storms out of the room. “Dean! What are you-come back!”

Dean ignores him. He’s getting to the bottom of this shit right now. He goes past the bathroom door and moves right to the extra bedroom. A quick shake of the door knob produces a rattle but it doesn’t budge. Dean’s not having it. Shouldering half his weight into the door, he breaks the jamb and barrels inside.

“Don’t—!”

There’s nothing that’s going to make him listen to Cas. Not now.

It's a second bedroom alright, but it's made up like an office. Colored paper and markers clutter a desk by the closet, a few of Jimmy's cards stacked haphazardly on the edge. A second desk is neatly arranged with textbooks and notepads. He doesn't need to read them to know they're in Cas’ precise yet ornate handwriting. A bookshelf is stuffed full of books, pictures, movies, a whole array of memories crammed into four pitiful shelves buckling under the weight.

Once Dean takes in what's in the room, his mind tailspins because it starts to pick up on what _isn't_ there. No chest of drawers. No hamper. No _bed_ or even couch to sleep on. There's no conceivable way this room functions as a bedroom.

_“Did you fuck him in my bed?”_

Dean falls to his knees, grip on the sheet loosening as he struggles to draw air into his lungs.

This is it. There are three doors in the hallway, and now Dean's seen behind them all. There's no more pretending, no more avoiding the true nature of Jimmy's encouragement to pursue Castiel. The evidence falls into place, and try as he might to come up with a different conclusion, the truth is staring him in the face.

Castiel and Jimmy were (are?) together.

The sheet falls away forgotten as he collapses to his knees, anxiety roiling through him, choking him, making it so he can’t see or breathe or do _anything_ other than think about Cas and Jimmy.

“Dean?” There are arms around him. Strong arms, embracing him and rubbing soothing circles on his bare skin. “Dean, are you okay? Talk to me.”

Cas and Jimmy.

“Is this why he left?” He expected his voice to come out a broken sob, but it sounds toneless, inflectionless, numb. Which is how he feels. Utterly and completely numb. One step away from dead inside, but better than the alternative. Better than shattering completely. “Because he likes you better?”

_Cas and Jimmy!_ This whole fucking time? Did they get together and laugh at how stupidly naive Dean was? How dumb could he be that he couldn’t tell the twins were dating? Did they joke about who could get him off faster, compare notes on his technique?

He knew Jimmy being his soulmate was too good to be true. Fuck, he’d known his fuck buddy arrangement with Cas was too perfect. The twins were too good for him. Jimmy left him and was waiting for Dean to get a clue. He wants Cas back, and Dean doesn’t blame him. If he had to choose between himself and Cas, of fucking _course_ he’d pick Cas every damn time.

“That why you were so angry, huh?” He’s limp in Cas’ embrace. He wants to bury his face in Cas’ hair while he’s still allowed to. Wants to lean into Castiel’s touch and drown in it so he’ll never have to face not having it. Instead, he hardens his heart and hopes he’ll survive losing both of them. “Not cuz you were jealous of Jimmy, but because you were pissed I stole your boyfriend?”

“Dean—”

“No, I get it. No one would ever get their panties in a twist over Dean fucking Winchester. Stupid to think it was because you wanted me… Stupid of me to think _Jimmy_ wanted me—”

“Dean!” Cas is shaking him. A hand on his chin forces him to meet Castiel’s eyes. He looks about as lost as Dean, though he’s doing a better job of handling things so far. At least there are no tears threatening to pour down his cheeks. “Yes, I was angry you took him from me, but that was before… before…” His thumb trails up to trace along Dean’s lips. Castiel stares at him in awe.

“Before what?” Dean croaks.

“Before we kissed… I never thought… It shouldn’t be possible…”  Castiel leans in and Dean’s drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Their lips brush gently and sparks shoot through him. They’ve already faded from earlier, but are sharp enough that Dean inhales in delight. The feeling mirrors what he’s experienced with Jimmy. There are subtle differences, almost like one twin runs hot while the other runs cold. With Jimmy the electricity would cascade through him with each kiss and linger in his toes. With Cas it buzzes back and forth along his skin, everywhere at once.

Even when they pull apart, he can feel Cas in the goosebumps racing down his forearms. Dean rests his forehead on Cas’ shoulder and allows a few shuddering breaths before asking, “Do you love Jimmy?”

“Yes.”

A pitiful whine escapes him before Dean can stop it. “Were… _are_ you together?”

“Yes, we _were_.” It’s a relief that hear the correction, short-lived though it is. Just because they’re not a thing right now doesn’t they won’t go back to it. “Talk to me. What are you thinking?”

“And you guys are always going to choose each other, aren’t you?” Dean wants to see Cas’ expression as he answers, but he’s terrified to look up. Here, cradled in the crook of Castiel’s neck, he feels safe. Almost, anyway.

“Dean… I told Jimmy he had to choose between us—hey! Look at me!” Cas waits until the low whine in Dean’s throat dies out, then forces Dean’s head up so he has his full attention. “I told him to choose and he _wouldn’t_ . He wants both of us. He wants _you_ , I promise.”

“Then why isn’t he here?” _Because he doesn’t want me. Changed his mind._

“I-I don’t know,” Cas admits. “I haven’t seen him since I gave him that ultimatum. If I’d known… Well, I’m an asshole, so I probably wouldn’t have done anything differently, but… Please stop crying.”

Dean blinks, suddenly aware of the dampness weighing down his lashes. Then Cas is there, kissing away the tears. Overcome by a sudden wave of longing, Dean tilts his head so their lips meet. He remembers when he first kissed Jimmy, and how it opened the floodgates to all the longing he’d felt for him since they’d met. All the feelings he’d ignored for a million and one reasons. And now it’s the same with Cas: he’s overcome by every worry that he’d fall in love with Cas because of how amazing Cas is, how much Dean enjoys simply being near him.

Jimmy and Cas are everything he’s ever wanted. Jimmy was his soulmate though, so it was like the decision was made for him. Now the same damn bond that tied him to one twin is here tethering him to another.

With monumental effort, Dean ends the kiss. “I don’t deserve to have _either_ of you. How the fuck am I supposed to choose between _both_ of you?”

Castiel shakes his head as if to dismiss the question. “But… you’d be okay with having both of us? It doesn’t… bother you that… that Jimmy and I…?”

“Fuck?” _Yes, but not because you’re twins. Why the hell am I even worried about having to choose between you two? If you have each other, have had each other for years, how the hell can I compete with that?_

_I can’t._

“We’re soulmates.”

If Dean weren’t already reeling, he’s pretty sure hearing those words come out of Cas’ mouth paired with the earnest way he says them, would’ve felt like a blow to the gut. As things stand, he simply can’t understand them at all.

“No.” Voice hoarse, he swallows and tries again. “No, you can’t be. I’m Jimmy’s soulmate. I’m… I’m friggin _your_ soulmate. You can’t be… each other’s?”

There’s no lie in Castiel’s face. Grim resignation, maybe, but nothing to suggest he doesn’t mean exactly what he says. “C’mon.” His joints pop as he stands up, offering a hand to help Dean. “We should talk, but not in here. Let’s grab something to eat.”

While Cas grabs them each a bathrobe, Dean slips into the bathroom and rinses off his face. The cool water calms him, brings mild relief to his feverish skin. He avoids looking as reflection, all too aware that he’s a complete mess. Tears and snot and probably a shellshocked look to his eyes. He sighs wearily, putting on the robe Cas has left for him and wandering out to the kitchen.

No one’s been living here for a while, so Castiel has to pick through the pantry to find something even remotely edible. He ends up with Pop Tarts, coffee, and a questionable-looking box of crackers that while technically still edible are stale as shit. If Dean could actually eat right now, it might make him queasy. He does, however, accept a cup of coffee.

The mug’s oversized and bright red. Dean inspects it quickly, mostly because it allows him to postpone this conversation for a few more seconds. On one side, there’s a sketch done in what looks like Sharpie, Jimmy’s distinctive style visible in each stroke. The cartoon figure could be either of the twins, realistically, but the sour face and words _I’m grumpy in the mornings_ make it clear it’s supposed to be Castiel. It’s cute, but it doesn’t seems out of place in the polished dining room.

That’s Jimmy for you, though.

“If you don’t mind…” Castiel interrupts as he takes a seat, clutching his own cup of coffee to his chest like it’ll ward off the bad parts of what’s to come. “I should probably start at the beginning.”

Dean shrugs, trying to make it seem like he doesn’t care even though he is deeply invested in what he’s about to hear, whatever it might be. The solemn way Cas tells his story tells him Cas doesn’t buy his act for a second.

“When we were sixteen, Jimmy was dating this girl…”

The smell of coffee helps ground Dean, and sliding the mug across the table is the exact distraction he needs right now. It gives him something to do with his hands, something to look at and focus on when listening to Castiel becomes too much.

Cas tells him everything, from their first kiss up until Cas’ ultimatum a few weeks ago. Throughout it, Dean tries to remain impassive, but it’s hard not to react. He wants to beat the shit out of their asshole father and tell their mother off for letting her husband force the twins out of their life. He wants to comfort Jimmy and Cas as they struggled to make it through the first few years. But most of all, he wants time alone to go back through every interaction he’s had with the twins, analyze it in light of this new information. When Jimmy told Dean about Cas’ dating history, it hadn’t felt like half of a story. Now that he’s got the missing pieces, it seems obvious the first rendition was horribly incomplete.

All along he’d thought he’d understood them, _knew_ them, but turns out he’d barely known them at all.

“Dean?”

His eyes snap up and he realizes he’s been staring into his cold, untouched cup of coffee. Cas stopped talking a few minutes ago, and Dean needed the time to process. He’s nowhere near done, but he doesn’t begrudge Castiel needing some sort of reaction.

“So you and Jimmy, huh?”

Castiel demurely raises an eyebrow, as if questioning whether that’s all Dean’s gotten out of the past hour, but nods. “Yes. Me and Jimmy.” His face contorts grimly as he adds, “And you and Jimmy. And me and you.”

“That doesn’t even _make sense_!” Dean objects, but Castiel offers no counterargument.

“No, it does not.”

“No one has _two_ soulmates!”

“I know.”

“But all _three_ of us, all of us together?”

“It shouldn’t be possible.”

“It _isn’t_ possible!” Dean snaps, slamming a fist on the table. He doesn’t know why he’s so damn angry or why he feels the need to take it out on Cas, but he can’t help it. The last twenty-four hours, no the last _year_ has been too much for him. Ever since he walked into that classroom and sat down next to Cas, his life has taken one sharp turn and then another. He went from absolutely believing he had _no_ soulmate to having _two_ forced on him. If anyone was ever set up to fail, it was Dean. “I can’t do this, man, I’m not… I _can’t_.”

“I’ll admit this isn’t… _ideal_ ,” Castiel says carefully. If he’s at all affected by Dean’s outburst, he hides it well. “We need to figure out what we plan to do about… the three of us.”

“No, Cas, I don’t think you understand-I-Look, I’m not supposed to have a soulmate, and it’s some fucked up twist of fate that landed me with two. I _suck_ at relationships with _one_ person, so don’t get it in your head I can handle two. This is doomed from the start. I already scared off Jimmy, and that was like a month into it. You’re still around right now, but you’ll be screaming for Jimmy soon enough.”

Silence settles over them as Dean waits for Cas to say something and while Cas… well, he has no idea what’s keeping Cas quiet right now, but it’s unnerving. Those blue eyes are fixed solely on him, almost like he can see straight through to Dean’s soul. Dean’s pretty sure no one would like what they saw there.

_Forget lasting a month with Cas, he already wants out of here._

“Is that what you think?” Castiel asks. “You’re fine with me and Jimmy being together, you’d be fine with being with both of us, but you’re hung up on the fact that you don’t think you’re good enough?”

“I wasn’t good enough for you to want to date,” Dean points out.

“If I hadn’t already been _in a relationship_ at the time, I might have.”

“Great. _Might_ have. Even in a hypothetical situation, you can’t pretend you’d want to deal with me for more than a quick fuck—”

“I can’t claim that I know what I’d do in different circumstances. I’ve only ever truly been in one relationship, and I’ve been in it more than half my life. It never occurred to me to consider you or _anyone_ else as a potential partner. It’s only ever been sex.”

“So again, you’re basically confirming what I just said—”

“ _Dean_ !” Castiel looks like he’s about to slam his fist on the table to shut him up. His anger is as terrifying as it is beautiful, and it does the trick. “Do not presume to put words in my mouth. You know me well enough to know I’m perfectly capable of speaking my mind.” Dean wilts a little under Cas’ intense glare. He’s right, of course, but saying the words _for_ Castiel hurts a hell of a lot less than _hearing_ them. “You ready to listen?”

_No._

“Go for it.”

_Put me out of my misery._

Castiel’s furrowed brow betrays his skepticism, but he sighs and continues. “As I said, I never considered dating you. I’ve always been attracted to you. I _still_ want you in my bed, still want your cock in me, still want to watch you come apart. Even when you stole Jimmy from me, no matter how pissed off I was, I still _wanted_ you. It was sex, though. Pure sex.” Dean knew as much, but he winces anyway. Castiel presses on, apparently not done breaking Dean’s heart. “At least… it was easier to think of it that way. Because if I admitted it was more than sex, then eventually I’d have to pin down what it was.

“Sex is easy. I’ve had lovers in the past, ones I kept at arm’s length to ensure there were no unnecessary attachments. Attachments make things messy. With you, though… It was never truly ‘just sex.’ I liked _you_ . I liked spending time with you, more than can be attributed to being ‘friends with benefits.’ More than I can really say was friendship, either. But I didn’t allow myself to wonder _why_. All I let myself admit was that I liked you better than the rest. Better than Balthazar or Crowley or April or even Meg…” Castiel visibly collects himself. He lowers his voice considerably before adding, “I liked you better than everyone but Jimmy. And there were days, moments when I thought…”

They may as well be kissing for the way his body tingles with desire right now. Cas, in some small way, wants Dean the same way he wants Jimmy.

“What about you?” The fake nonchalance as Castiel asks it erases the pleasant adrenaline high Dean’d been riding. “Have you ever thought about me in any capacity beyond what we’ve done together. Beyond friendship and casual sex?”

“C’mon man…” he hedges, averting his gaze to the table runner. “I… I knew from pretty much the moment I met you, you were exactly the type of guy I’d fall for. You and Jimmy both.”

Castiel mulls over Dean’s confession for a moment before rapping his knuckles against the table. “I’m taking you on a date.”

Dean stares at him blankly until Castiel huffs impatiently. “What, you mean now?”

“You got other plans for today?” Castiel quips as he gets up from the table, taking both mugs with him to put them in the sink. “If you want to eat, it’s not like we can stay here anyway. Not unless you want moldy bread and expired milk.” Cas rinses off his hands, cocking an eyebrow at Dean. “So would you like to go on a date with me?”

“Uhhh… yeah, sure, okay. Let’s do it.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy's back

****The waiter takes their menus and disappears to get their drinks. Alone again, all Dean can do is fidget in his borrowed clothes. The sleeves of the henley are a little too loose (apparently the twins’ arms are jacked, which shouldn’t be surprising considering how often Dean’s been held down by those arms) and none of their pants fit quite right. Cas’ ass and thighs are _huge_ , and Jimmy has less of an ass than Dean does, so no matter what he was stuck feeling like a clown. He’d settled for Cas’ skinniest pair of jeans, and _still_ he needed the belt to keep them up. At least he’s in his own damn shoes.

“Relax,” Castiel tells him for the hundredth time. “You’re tense and it’s making me tense.”

“Sorry.” He closes his eyes and concentrates on relaxing all the clusters of tension throughout his body. This really shouldn’t be so damn hard. He’s been out with Cas loads of times. He _knows_ they get along, knows they’ve got great chemistry, knows Cas is a sure thing. But all those times they’ve been to bars or restaurants or movies together, it’d never been a _date_. Those four letters were freaking him the fuck out.

“ _Calm down, Schatz. You’re thinking too hard.”_

Dean startles slightly at the German, but then shivers. Cas’ low voice was _made_ for the German language, and no matter how strange it was to hear his Bayern accent the first few times, it’s come to sound like pure sex to him. Now his fidgeting has nothing to do with the clothes and everything to do with his growing erection.

Castiel’s reaches a hand across the table, palm up. Without a second thought, Dean accepts it and lace their fingers together. It feels just like Jimmy’s hand, but less calloused. _Stop thinking about Jimmy,_ he scolds himself. _You’re on a date with_ **_Cas_** _. Think about_ **_Cas_**.

_“You’re too tense.”_ Cas squeezes his hand. _“It’s just you and me. It’s been just you and me plenty of times before. Stop thinking the worst. Better yet, stop thinking at all.”_

“Easier said than done,” he grumbles. Even so, a smile pulls at the corner of his mouth. It takes considerable effort on his part, but he manages to force away his misgivings and worries about the twins. With those thoughts lockedaway in the back of his mind, he’s actually able to have a good time with Cas. They get over the initial awkwardness and slip right back into how things were. Cas complains about work and Dean fills him in on his semester. It’s like friends catching up, but there’s a definite undercurrent of _more more more_ , too.

For so long Dean denied himself the free rein to imagine a life with Cas, and now the picture’s before him in full technicolor and surround sound and fuck if he doesn’t want it. He indulges in the fantasy all throughout dinner, his mind playing out similar scenes if he lets himself go down this path. If he lets himself try to be happy with Cas. Maybe he even starts to believe in it a little.

Until the ride home. In the backseat of the Uber, their conversation dies. There’s so much to say, and none of it seems appropriate with an audience. Quietly holding hands, there’s no distraction and Dean’s fears run rampant.

Dean and Cas could be happy. He sees it so fucking clearly and wants it so damn badly it _hurts_. They’re soulmates. They can do it.

_But,_ his brain helpfully points out, _that was all true with Jimmy._ He and Jimmy got along great. He and Jimmy were happy. He and Jimmy are soulmates. None of that was enough to keep Jimmy around, why would Cas be any different?

_Because the twins_ **_are_ ** _different,_ he fought back against his self-doubt. Fundamentally, yes, he cares about both twins and is comfortable with them, but their interactions are so different. Jimmy’s light-hearted and full of laughter. They joke and giggle together and it’s _simple_. He can be himself, relaxed and at ease like with no one else save Sammy. Cas, on the other hand, is serious and intense. He has such a steady presence that makes Dean think he could do anything with Cas there to back him up.

If he had _both_ of them in his corner…

_You don’t. And you_ **_won’t_ ** _. That’s not how this works. Even if they’re both your soulmate, you don’t honestly think you can get away without choosing one, do you? They’re called “couples” for a reason:_ **_two_ ** _people in a relationship. There's no room for a third._

The three of them haven't spent a whole lot of time together as a trio. Normally there are others around, diluting the experience. At the time it had felt essential, a necessity to keep him from doing something stupid like asking Jimmy out or asking Cas for more than sex. He'd held back, of course, because Dean Winchester is chronically incapable of making a relationship work. All that untapped potential—

Not that it mattered. How the fuck do three people make a relationship work? In the end, no matter how hard they tried, it'd all come down to a choice. Either he'd have to pick between the twins, or they’d have to pick between him and each other. Maybe in the beginning it would've been easy to choose Cas over his brother, but after dating Jimmy, Dean had plenty of firsthand experience to tell him otherwise. there’s no way in hell he can make that choice. He’d agonized over the possibility of Jimmy leaving him because he loved Cas more, and that was _before_ he knew they were an item.

Basically, Dean doesn’t stand a chance. Either they leave him now or they leave him later, and that’s that. What is he to the twins other than a diversion, a way to pass the time and maybe spice up their sex lives until they’re bored of him. It doesn’t matter how things shake out, you don’t choose some guy you met a year ago over your own friggin _brother_.

The possibility that he could have _both_ twins never fully registers. Jimmy’s offered it, in his own way, and Castiel most likely would too, but long term… The twins have been together since they were teenagers. Dean hasn’t had a relationship last more than a year in his entire life. Trying to make it work with the twins would break him. He doesn’t even need the darker half of himself to convince him of that; it’s a given.

His mood’s turned sour by the time they arrive back at the apartment, and he’s tempted to tell the driver to take him back to his own place. Maybe if he can nip this thing in the bud and save them all some heartache—

“Dean.” Castiel holds the car door open for him. He waits, tone firm and offering no room for argument. With a sigh, Dean climbs out and follows him inside.

The light touch on his back as Castiel guides him out of the elevator helps. By no means does it scare away the grim thoughts plaguing him, but it at least lessens their bite. Castiel only breaks contact once they arrive at the apartment, digging through his pockets to find his keys and unlock the door. They’ve barely stepped into the entryway when a frantic voice comes from the living room.

“Cas? Dean?” Hearing Jimmy is like a punch to the gut, and they both freeze and look at each other like deer caught in the headlights. Dean’s rooted to the spot, terrified at the prospect of talking this out with not one but _both_ twins. Castiel, however, looks torn between escaping back the way he came and marching into the living room to deck Jimmy. The two impulses seem to cancel each other out, and he stays there wavering in the doorway right next to Dean.

Jimmy’s face appears around the corner, nothing but frantic relief at seeing the two of them and both Cas and Dean relax infinitesimally. He marches forward, wrapping them both in a fierce hug as he pulls them further into the apartment and kicks the door shut behind them. Guess no one’s running away now.

“You fucking… _jackasses!_ ” he hisses while squeezing them tight and placing a kiss on Castiel’s and then Dean’s cheek. “I was so fucking worried.” Jimmy pulls away, pushing Cas slightly as he rounds on his brother. “You can’t fucking send me a text like that and not expect me to freak the fuck out! I took the next plane back and then _you’re not even here when I get back!_ ”

Dean shoots Cas a look ( _What text?)_ and Castiel’s face is the epitome of discomfort as he shakes his head minutely _(I’d rather not talk about it)_ . Jimmy moves away from Cas and puts his arms on Dean’s shoulders. “You okay, babe? Cas had me all worried, and then you two fucking _ignoring_ my calls all day.”

“Calls?” Dean grabs his phone out of his back pocket. It doesn’t light up when he hits the power, and he curses himself for not having checked the battery before going out.

Cas shrugs as if he doesn’t care about his brother’s distress. “I left mine here. And don’t pout like that. You don’t get to disappear and then whine about being left out of the loop. Trust me, as the asshole who disappeared first, I’m well aware of the drawbacks.”

“I didn’t—That’s not the same—It’s not like I was _upset_ or throwing a friggin _hissy fit_!”

“Well,” Dean puts in, “what _were_ you doing, then?”

As much trouble as he’d had answering Castiel, he looks positively wrecked to hear the accusation in Dean’s tone. “What did you think I was doing?”

In his despair, Dean had rehearsed this moment again and again in his head. He’d spent many drunken nights begging Jimmy to come back and apologizing for whatever he’d done wrong. Never had he thought of blaming Jimmy or yelling at him, but with Cas offering silent support, he musters up all the indignation he feels he’s entitled to.

“Uh… cutting and running? Dumping me in the shittiest way possible, hoping I’d get the hint and move on without the messiness of an actual breakup? I don’t know, man, take your fucking pick!”

“I left you that card...” Jimmy replies weakly, though it’s obvious there’s not much fight in him.

“That vague fucking promise you’d come back? You’re a real class act, ditching town and leaving your _boyfriend_ —no, correction, your _soulmate_ —nothing but a cheap card to say goodbye for you!”

Jimmy wilts under the force of Dean’s self-righteous anger, shoulders hunching in to protect himself and eyes fixed firmly on a spot on the ground between Dean and Cas. “I know it was kind of a dick move—” Castiel snorts. “—but I really did think it was for the best.”

“This is the part where you apologize and offer Dean an actual explanation.”

All of Jimmy’s apparent meekness dissolves as he rounds in his brother. Pointing a finger into his chest to emphasize each word, he grounds out, “Don’t you dare talk to me about _apologies_ , not after the shit you pulled. I only left because of _you_. I went to make things better because of _you_ , you selfish prick.”

“Hey!” Dean has to physically step between the brothers to get them to step away from each other and stop the argument from escalating. “How ‘bout we agree to disagree, huh? Cas and Jimmy, you’re _both_ dicks for leaving and you _both_ have gotta make up for it.” Jimmy smiles smugly at his brother, as though glad his boyfriend is rising to his defense. “Don’t do that,” Dean snaps, but with maybe half as much bite as before. “I’ve heard Cas’ side, now it’s your turn. Fess up.”

“You know,” Jimmy huffs out as he heads back into the living room, “when I imagined you two teaming up, it was a lot hotter than this.” There’s a thick folder on the edge of the coffee table, and he bends over to pick it up.

“Don’t worry, it’s plenty hot.” Castiel follows his brother and plops down on the end of the sofa, effectively spreading out so that Jimmy can’t take the spot he’d been angling towards. “But I’m sure you already knew that. You’ve seen us both in action, together we could only be better. Just imagine him deep-throating my cock while you’re tied to the bed, _begging_ me to untie you—”

The folder nearly drops from Jimmy’s hand and he has to scramble to keep it from spilling all over the floor. “Jesus, Cas, don’t… I’m only human, for fuck’s sake!”

Castiel smirks, spreading his legs far enough to reveal the growing bulge in his pants. “Hmm and you’ve been gone for… how long did you say, Dean?”

“Three weeks, give or take.” Why is his throat so dry? When did it get so hot in here? Cas isn’t doing what Dean thinks he’s doing, is he?

“Three weeks,” Castiel repeats, eyes pinning Jimmy in place. “Three weeks without sex…”

Yeah, he’s _definitely_ doing what Dean thinks he is.

“You think he’s jerked off at all during that time, Dean?”

And Dean’s going to help.

Stepping forward, Dean crosses his hands across his chest and gives Jimmy an appraising look. “Oh absolutely. Which one of us you think he thought about more often when he did it?” It hits a little too close to home, but he says it anyway. He hopes Cas will pick it up from there, keep the banter going and stop Jimmy from giving an honest answer—

“It’s probably a pretty even spread,” Castiel says dismissively, as though it’s of no consequence. Thank god. “What _I’d_ like to know is how often he thought of the two of us together, how often he thought of all _three_ of us together.”

Jimmy gasps, dropping the folder onto his table and completely unaware of the papers fluttering loose. “ _Cas_ ,” he whimpers. “You told him?”

“Mmmhmm,” Castiel hums while moving a hand to palm his cock. “Answer the question, Jimmy. How often did you think about all three of us in bed together?”

He takes a hesitant step towards his brother. His fingers twitch as he gravitates closer, but Jimmy stops himself short. _How_ Jimmy has the willpower to resist Cas as he begins to unzip his pants and looks on with hooded eyes, an open invitation for Jimmy to crawl right into his lap… Well, Jimmy is a stronger man than Dean could ever hope to be.

“Every night,” Jimmy grits out. “Once or twice since you started talking about the hot, green-eyed man in your German class…” He steals a glance at Dean. Dean swallows and feels himself grow even harder at the attention. Maintaining eye contact, he adds, “But every night since I met him, I’ve thought about it.”

Dean lets out his breath in a huff, so damn gratified to hear Jimmy thought of him, thought of them together. He didn’t forget about Dean while he was gone. He wanted Dean before they knew they were soulmates.

Before he can think better of it, Dean crosses the distance between and throws his arms around Jimmy’s neck and pulling him in for a rough kiss. The thrum of electricity makes his toes curl and he sighs in contentment. Jimmy sighs against Dean’s lips, pulling away to nip along the stubble Dean hasn’t bothered to shave in days.

“I didn’t dare hope to have you,” Jimmy whispers. The apartment’s so quiet, it sounds like he’s yelling the words as a declaration of love. “You’re so wonderful, and I already had Cas… Kissing Cas and then kissing you are the two best moments of my life. I’m sorry I didn’t make that clear.”

“Yes,” Castiel interrupts. He pushes off the couch, prowls towards them as he slots himself behind Jimmy. Dean can feel Cas’ knuckles brush against him as he places his hands on Jimmy’s hips. “You owe Dean an apology for making him worry. You should’ve seen the state he was in when he texted me.” With a growl, Cas jerks Jimmy’s pants. The sudden movement throws him off balance and he stumbles slightly before giving in and dropping to his knees. “Now go ahead…” He nudges Jimmy’s head forward, and his brother groans. “ _Make it up to him._ ”

Sex before talking things out is a terrible idea—Why'd Jimmy leave? Does Jimmy even still want Dean? Where are they going from here?—but with Cas looking on in approval, Dean ignores the way his gut twists in anxiety. Cas at least wants him, and that'll have to be enough.

And if it isn't, he hopes he can survive losing them.

Jimmy's fingers in his fly are distracting enough that he's pulled back into the moment. They're both shaking as Jimmy works Dean’s pants and boxers down to his knees. Jimmy doesn’t bother shimmying them down further, instead eyeing Dean’s hardening cock in front of him before his tongue darts out and takes a tentative lick.

“Good,” Cas praises. Dean jumps; he’d forgotten Cas was even there, but now all he can focus on is the _three_ of them: Dean standing at the edges of the living room, Cas right in front of him with a predatory look, and Jimmy kneeling between them and teasing at Dean’s slit. “Now swallow him down.” Cas nudges Jimmy closer, a hand on his jaw encouraging him to open up and do just that.

As it turns out, Jimmy is _very_ good at following instructions. Dean watches him as his cock disappears into Jimmy’s mouth, feels it hit the back of his throat on the first pass, and then Jimmy’s pulling back and starting all over again. And while Dean’s falling apart, thrilled to have Jimmy back and his gorgeous mouth coaxing him to orgasm, Cas is there to take control. He buries a hand in his brother’s hair, tugging and pushing at random intervals to make Jimmy take Dean deeper or to hold back with only the head of Dean’s cock in his mouth. Jimmy does it all, whining when he’s not allowed to move freely and moaning in satisfaction every time he’s allowed to deepthroat him.

Castiel takes his free hand and wraps it around Dean’s head, bringing their foreheads together so they can watch Jimmy’s absolutely perfect, filthy mouth work. “He’s very good at that, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, he is,” Dean agrees. He caresses Jimmy’s cheek, liking the way it bulges around him, and then turns his attention back to Cas. “Like you don’t fucking know.”

“Of course I do. Taught him everything he knows about sucking dick. Really, you owe _me_ thanks for every time his mouth has gotten you off.”

“Yeah?” He means to be cocky, but his laugh is barely more than a puff of air. “Think Jimmy’s got a card for that? ‘Thanks for teaching your brother to give good head, I really appreciate it?’”

Jimmy snorts and a trail of spit leaks free, running down his chin until Dean wipes it away.

“Don’t encourage him,” Castiel warns with no small amount of affection. “Or I’ll just end up with a card featuring him blowing your brains out.” He releases his hold on Jimmy’s hair, now petting him lightly. “On second thought, I wouldn’t mind a reminder of this beautiful display.”

“Great,” Dean grouses. “You can put it on your desk at work. Sure that’ll turn a few heads.”

“Don’t be grumpy. I was paying you both a compliment. You’re both gorgeous. Jimmy on his knees, you fighting so hard not to come. It’s a work of art. One that Jimmy’s meager skills—” (he preemptively dodges the elbow Jimmy blindly sends his way) “—can’t quite capture, but I’m sure I’ll appreciate the attempt.”

“Don’t worry, Jimmy, I think your art’s awesome.” Dean’s rewarded for the compliment with a hard swallow and a deep groan of approval that has his breath hitching and his own appreciative moan echoing back.

“You two will be trouble,” Cas whispers into Dean’s ear and then kisses his way down to his lips. The contact starts so light that goosebumps rise along Dean’s arms, the hair on the back of his neck standing on end in anticipation of the lightning strike that’s about to happen. Then as Castiel presses closer, that familiar and oh so addictive feeling hits him like a freight train. The feeling that’s like when he kisses Jimmy, but already Dean knows he’ll never be able to confuse the sensations ever again. Similar at first glance, but as different as night and day once you know what to look for.

Just like the twins.

They’re so engrossed in the taste of each other that neither notices Jimmy popping off of Dean’s cock and staring up at them in open shock. “You’re… you’re kissing?” Neither of them wants to break away, either, but Castiel quickly sucks Dean’s bottom lip into his mouth before letting go and staring down at his brother with a questioning look.

“Obviously.”

“Dean doesn’t like to kiss.”

Dean blushes and buries his face in Castiel’s shoulder, too embarrassed by his complete turn around. Yeah, he’s hated kissing all his adult life. Never the sensations or the intimacy shared by it, he’s always enjoyed that, but the lack of the _right_ sensations and the broken intimacy that came from it made him dread it. Even when things were comfortable with Lisa, by then he’d built up such a disdain for the simple act of affection that they rarely did it.

“Does he like kissing you?” Castiel’s voice rumbles through him, and Dean holds onto the warmth that spreads through him with every word. “Dean seems like he’d be a cuddler.” He turns his attention back to Dean, massaging his scalp and doing everything in his power to make Dean melt into a puddle of contentment. Dean’s embarrassed how well it’s working. “Long make out sessions.” Now he dips in for another kiss. “Hours of gentle tender touches, each one bringing him closer and closer to the edge until he’s _begging_ for a firm hand on him. I bet he’d come within two strokes, five tops—“

“Oh _fuck_ —” Jimmy interrupts, leaning against Dean’s thigh. “You can’t just say shit like that.”

“And _you_ can’t just stop blowing him.” Pointedly, he nudges Jimmy’s head back to Dean’s cock, and Jimmy kisses the tip before swallowing him down again without complaint.

Castiel doesn’t claim his lips again, and though Dean’s disappointed, it’s probably for the best. He’s too worked up right now; between Jimmy’s tongue and Cas sending electric currents buzzing throughout his body, he’d be gone within minutes. Even as it is, he can barely stand. As subtly as he can, he tries to lean some of his weight into Castiel.

“You know… Dean and I, we had an awkward moment this morning when we first woke up in bed together. We didn’t remember who we’d been with last night, and both assumed it was you curled around us. We started kissing, and wouldn’t you know, that didn’t tip us off that it wasn’t you.”

Jimmy nearly chokes and tries to pull away, but Castiel forces him to keep going and take Dean’s dick deeper. He looks up at his brother and Dean with pleading eyes, so Cas keeps talking.

“It was so strong and so… _different_ than with you. Should’ve realized it immediately, but I honestly didn’t think it was possible. Yet here I am… the two most gorgeous men in the world, and they’re both _mine_.” The last word comes out a guttural snarl.

“Cas,” Dean whines, pleads, _begs_ . He doesn’t even know what he _wants_ , but hearing Cas place a claim on him and Jimmy like that, it does things to him. “Want…”

“Shhh, it’s okay. Gonna take care of you.” Then Cas’ eyes light up wickedly and he steps back. Dean’s bereft of his warm presence, and it’s worse when Castiel yanks Jimmy off of him. “I have an idea.”

Castiel manhandles Jimmy so that he’s perpendicular to Dean. Still on his knees and looking completely dazed, Jimmy goes along with it. Once he’s satisfied, Castiel pecks Dean’s cheek lightly and then drops to his knees in front of his brother.

“I’ve always wanted to try this…” There’s a moment as he licks his lips and takes in Jimmy’s sex-ruffled hair, then Castiel dives in and kisses him. It’s harsh and demanding and oh so sinfully beautiful. Dean has spent countless jerk-off sessions imagining this, and every single fantasy paled in comparison to the real thing. He can’t even find it himself to feel left out, not with the two of them going at it right at his feet.

Dean doesn’t have long to wait before Castiel’s grabbing Dean’s leg and urging him forward. He slows down their kisses and makes room between his mouth and Jimmy’s. His fingers lace around Dean’s cock, guiding him so that he slips between their sinful chapped lips. That’s when Dean realizes what’s happening, and his hand shoots to the base of his dick to stave off his quickly approaching orgasm and help keep himself steady. Slowly, Dean starts thrusting into the channel created by their mouths. Twin tongues dart out and tease along both sides of his dick, lips engulfing him and—

“Oh my _god_ ,” Dean hisses, biting his lip to keep from crying out more. “I can… I can _feel_ … Fuck I can _feel_ your sparks.” It’s a low buzz, maybe even his imagination running wild, but he swears there’s a tingling coursing along his shaft everywhere one of the twins is in contact with him.

That draws a laugh from Castiel and a mewl from Jimmy. Together, the twins gradually start kissing again and Dean continues to fuck into their kisses. As they gain confidence with the position, their hands start getting added to the equation. The twins try to roughly undress each other before giving up and working on their own clothes; there’s not much they can do in their current position, so they settle for getting a hand in their pants and fisting the other’s shirt or hair. Dean alternates between stroking the twins’ hair and fondling his balls and the base of his dick.

When the twins reach across to start jerking the other off, Dean loses what semblance of self-control remained. Hands grabbing handfuls of hair and brings them as close together as possible. The pressure on his cock increases. It shouldn’t be as good as fucking into their asses or down their throats, but the quivering pulse of electricity he can just barely feel is beyond amazing. He’s pretty sure he could come from that alone.

Dean’s so selfishly involved in his own pleasure that he’s taken by surprise when he sees Jimmy go rigid as his come spurts all over the carpet. That’s when Dean’s finally overcome with joy. White burns out the rest of his vision, all of himself lost in the sensations the twins are providing him. He comes endlessly, floating in wave after wave of ecstasy because this isn’t just sex. This is him and his soulmates. _Soulmates!_

A sob wracks him as he collapses into waiting arms. Steady, strong, sure, the twins support his weight as they carry him to the bedroom. They undress him, lay him gently on the bed and clean him up.

“You two are divine when you come,” Castiel praises as he runs a washcloth over Dean. “I love how there is now a stain of our combined come on my living room floor.”

Dean’s too exhausted to do more than mentally scowl at Cas, though he hears the sound of skin on skin and assumes Jimmy’s swatted his brother. If he weren’t already half asleep, he’d thank Jimmy for keeping Cas in line.

“Dean?” Jimmy asks as he drapes himself over Dean’s back, massaging his legs and pressing tiny kisses along the back of his neck. “You okay?”

“Sleeping.” His brain’s still riding the high of post-orgasmic bliss. He doesn’t want to deal with any of the questions or the mental turmoil associated with it. The three of them had sex and it was awesome and that’s about as far as he’s willing to process things right now. Whatever it is they need to talk about (and there is certainly a _lot_ ), it’ll keep until he’s had a few hours to recharge.

“Alright, Dean.” Jimmy brushes a few stray hairs from his forehead before relaxing around him. Castiel follows suit, wiggling his way between Dean’s arms and snaking his arms around Dean’s waist.

Cocooned between the twins, Dean falls into a dreamless sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for a very nsfw gif to visualize what dean was doing with the twins, [click here](http://indecentdestiel.tumblr.com/post/146658935453)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The three of them realize they need to talk

**** Dean doesn’t know what wakes him up, but something feels off. His eyes blink open as he registers the surprisingly empty bed, devoid of its previous heat, and the white noise coming from the bathroom. Visions of twin blue eyes come back to him, warm bodies pressed in close and whispering endearments. 

Basically, total heaven. 

But the two angels who’d been keeping him company are gone, and Dean jerks himself upright. Fully awake, his first thoughts are of worst case scenarios.  _ They left me. They’re leaving me. They don’t want me around. Fun for sex but not for more— _ No, that can’t be right. As easily as he can picture them dumping him, he doesn’t think it’s happening yet. They’d need time to figure out how fucking useless of a boyfriend and partner he is. It’s not like Aaron or Lydia or Lisa dumped him the first day, either. It’ll take them time to figure out they don’t need him. 

_ Maybe they won’t, _ whispers a quiet part of himself.  _ Maybe they want and need and love you as much as you want, need, and love them. _

Yeah, that’d be nice. 

That voice—so hopeful and trusting in the twins—reminds him of his teenage self. The young kid who turned sixteen and thought he’d find out Cassie Robinson was the love of his life. 

He thought that part of him had died years ago. The Cassie thing had left him reeling, but over the years, any hope he felt for the future got weaker and weaker with each new person he kissed, and, well, he was pretty sure Lisa meeting her soulmate and walking out of their apartment had dealt the final blow. 

More like a mercy killing, putting that wretched part of himself out of its misery. That stupid, naive young man who thought he stood a chance at happily ever after. 

After a deep breath, he quiets his mind, purposefully ignores the worries plaguing him, and listens. The shower’s on, but no other noise disturbs the quiet of the apartment. If he had to guess, that would mean that both twins are in the bathroom. Dean throws off the blankets and tiptoes over. He’s not sure what makes him so hesitant, but if they’re talking about how awful he is, he could maybe sneak out without causing a scene.

There he goes again, assuming the worst. 

Not that calling himself out on it will make him stop.

Damn he’s a mess.

The falling water and half-closed door obscure most of the sound, but as he gets closer, Dean can hear muffled words. Pressing close to the wall outside the bathroom, he can make out what they’re saying. 

“—you and your damn flowers,” Jimmy groans. “Yes, Linda was watching them for you. She was worried about you when they started to wilt. I had to make up some bullshit reason why you weren’t around.”

“I’ll make it up to you.” The conversation breaks off and Dean can imagine them getting handsy. If the door were more open, he could steal a peek in the mirror, but as it is, there’s no way he can check without giving away that he’s there. He shouldn’t eavesdrop, but Dean can’t help but think that listening to the twins in this unguarded moment will tell him more about their intentions than asking them up front would. 

“Yes,” Jimmy agrees. “You will.” There’s a whimper, deep and distinctly Cas. “You still going to make me choose between you two?” There was iron behind Jimmy’s words, defiance and anger and damn if Dean’s heart doesn’t swell to twice its size. Jimmy’s sticking up for him, for  _ them _ , to Cas.

“No,” is Cas’ quiet answer. 

“And you going to admit you were being an ass?”

Dean can  _ hear _ Cas narrowing his eyes. “I will admit no such thing. You  _ cheated _ on me. Even if he’s your soulmate— _ our _ soulmate—even if I might like the end result, I feel justified in that anger.”

“Ohhh. So you admit you like the end result. You  _ like _ having Dean with us. In our  _ bed _ . That gorgeous man was in our  _ bed _ , Cassie. He’s  _ ours _ .” Dean can hear the happiness in Jimmy’s voice, the borderline giddy note to his words. He can picture the huge, gummy smile that goes with it, and his knees feel weak. “You must be at least a  _ little _ excited about that.”

“A little,” Castiel concedes. Wet sounds make Dean’s hands itch to push open the door and see what the twins are doing. When Cas lets out a low moan, his resolve almost breaks. He holds back, though, and is rewarded for patience when Jimmy keeps talking.

“You love him, don’t you?”

Dean gasps. Luckily the water’s too loud for him to be heard. Still, adrenaline kicks in and his heart beats erratically in his chest. 

“I didn’t say that.” He’s protesting, but Castiel doesn’t  _ sound _ like he disagrees. 

“Don’t need to. He’s your  _ soulmate _ .” Jimmy says the word with such reverence, a benediction like none other and it gives Dean chills. 

“I hate you.”

“You love me. And you love  _ Dean, _ ” Jimmy teases. Dean can imagine him chanting  _ Dean and Cassie sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g _ in a singsong voice. “He loves you, too. He won’t admit it, though. His former lovers did a fucking number on him. If I ever meet them, I’ll tear them apart for making him hurt so much.”

“Is that a warning?”

“That if you ever hurt Dean, I’ll kill you and no one will ever find your body? Pretty much.” It’s a joke, clearly, but with a hint of darkness that makes Dean question just how close to the truth it actually is. “But I’m not going to have to worry about that, am I?”

“No,” Castiel sighs loudly enough that Dean can hear it, the sound echoing against the tile. “I won’t hurt Dean.”

“Good.” One of the twins moans, and Dean suspects Jimmy’s rewarding him with kisses, touches, nimble fingers stroking him or probing at his rim. Not being able to see, having to guess at what’s happening, is so hot and in a way better than actually seeing what Jimmy’s doing to his brother. “Admittedly, I was worried when you texted me that you and Dean were together. I thought you were still upset with him, thought you’d hurt him, chase him away. I was freaking the fuck out and you  _ assholes _ wouldn’t answer your phones.

“I sat here for  _ hours _ with no word from either of you. I was ready to punch you, ready to go find Dean and  _ beg _ for forgiveness. Thank fucking  _ god _ you two worked things out on your own.  _ But...” _ Jimmy pauses after drawing out the word. “I am so fucking  _ pissed  _ that I didn’t get to  _ see _ it. Did you suck him off? Let him fuck you? Did you jerk each other off and cover our bed in your come? I’ve pictured you two together so many times, and I’ve never gotten to  _ see _ it.”

“Yeah?” Cas’ voice is pure sex, husky and delicious. “Would you like that? Would you like to see your boyfriend fuck me?”

Dean can’t hold back anymore. He nudges the door open slowly. It doesn’t make a sound, surprisingly, and he gets an eyeful of the naked brothers crowding into each other’s space in the shower stall. The glass is fogging slightly, but it does nothing to hide how hard and eager they are for each other, kissing and groping. It really is spectacular to see them go at it.

He enjoys the view for another minute before loudly clearing his throat. They jump apart—Cas actually bumps his head on the shower head in the process—and look at each other guiltily. “You two gonna do this a lot? Talk about me like I'm not here?” The brothers share a look, clearly communicating something faster than words possibly could. “... Or do that?”

“It’s a twin thing, can’t be helped.” Jimmy slides open the shower door, waggling his eyebrows in invitation. “Join us? Room for one more.”

The shower is a comfortable size for one grown man, but with two it’s elbows knocking against the walls and feet stepping on each other. The twins probably have experience navigating shower sex and know how to navigate the small space, but Dean’s highly skeptical that he’ll be able to fit. Jimmy beckons him with open arms; the movement causes him to shoulder into Castiel, who gives an  _ oof _ and further convinces Dean there’s definitely not room for three. 

There’s also no way Dean could ever say no to Jimmy, not with his face so open and happy, so he rolls his eyes dramatically before stepping into the warm spray. The brothers step aside to make room for him, scant though it might be, and the water soothes some of his frayed nerves. He gets a few seconds to soak his hair and let the cascade of water drip down his back and thighs before the twins move in, one on each side. 

At his back, Jimmy gently grinds against Dean’s ass and massages the small of his back. He noses at Dean’s hair, his shoulder blades, his ear and hums in contentment. Castiel takes over at his front, barely having room to move as he cradles Dean’s face in his hands and kisses him thoroughly. The sparks serve more to relax than excite him, and he relaxes into the twins’ support. 

This is good. This is really really good. If Dean died right now, he’d die a happy man. There’s nothing more he could want than to be sandwiched between these two wonderful, gorgeous men who’ve made room for him in their lives. 

… Except he’s not sure if they have. Cas  _ left _ . Jimmy  _ left _ . Sure, they came back, but they now have a history of abandoning Dean without talking to him first. They’re willing to share so much with him: the details of their past, their bed, their affection and touches, their lives. If they’re not willing to share their thoughts with him, too, then it’ll all fall apart. Sooner or later, the comfortable life they’re trying to build together will shatter like glass and Dean won’t be able to recover from that. Dean’s aware that some of his fears are his own hangups and baggage, but it’s not  _ just  _ that. He needs  _ more _ than what they’ve given him. 

As much as he wants to fall head first into what they’re offering, they need to actually  _ talk _ . He may have perfected the art of avoiding heartfelt discussions and chick flick moments, but for his own sanity they need to hash this out.

Sensing Dean’s apprehension, Castiel breaks their kiss. He tilts his head at Dean in confusion, a hand reaching down to feel Dean’s limp cock. Cas jerks back in surprise, lips pressing into a thin line as he reaches over to give Jimmy’s head a quick swat. Jimmy stops his ministrations and waits for an explanation, but Castiel doesn’t offer one. Instead, he turns off the shower and squirms past the other two men to get to the towels. 

He offers one to Dean first, which he gratefully accepts and quickly wraps around himself. Bad enough he couldn’t get hard for the twins, he doesn’t want the evidence visible. 

“What’s wrong?” Jimmy asks as he runs his hands through his hair to shake out excess water, which only serves to make it stand up at all ends. “Why’d we stop? Why are we covering up? What’d I miss?”

Cas throws a towel at his brother’s face. “You wanna fuck, you gotta earn it.” Jimmy’s about to object when Castiel turns to Dean. “Where do you want to do this? Living room? Bedroom? Dining room? Should we go to your place?”

Honestly, he’s floored at the concern Cas is giving him. Cas has always been an attentive lover and good friend, but protective boyfriend is a whole new side that Dean could definitely get used to. 

“Uh… dining room’s good.” It’s the most neutral territory he can think of in the apartment, and there’s no way he wants to do this at his place. If things go badly, he’ll need a place to escape to. It’d be easier for him to flee than it would be for him to have to kick them out. 

“You heard him,” Castiel says as he jerks his head to the door and leads Dean out by the elbow. “Dining room.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Talk™

****Dean’s completely ready to dive right in, but they take a quick pitstop in the bedroom to grab some clothes. Admittedly, it’d probably be pretty awkward to have this conversation wearing nothing more than a towel.

They head to the dining room in a line, Cas, then Dean, then Jimmy. Dean takes a seat at the table, one that’s close to the door. Jimmy walks into the dining room before turning right back around. Straining to see around the corner, Dean watches Jimmy hurriedly collects the papers and folder he’d abandoned last night. The crinkled edges stick out of the sides and the folder bulges in the center where there’s no doubt some bent papers keeping it from closing properly. Jimmy takes a seat opposite from Dean, keeping the folder on his lap as he offers Dean a shy, comforting smile.

While Jimmy’s getting situated, Castiel bypasses the table altogether. He stalks into the kitchen and pours some water to make tea, three boring, identical black mugs set out on the counter. The extra time is nerve wracking, but Dean appreciates it immensely when hot tea is placed in front of him. Yesterday when he and Cas talked, it was nice having the coffee there to fiddle with and distract him when things got too heavy. Castiel winks at him, and he wonders if Cas was thinking the same thing.

Cas takes a seat at the head of the table, the three of them each with their own side but able to clearly see the other two. It’d be nice, Dean can’t help but think, to have dinners like this. The three of them sharing in a home-cooked meal and talking about their day. Cas and Jimmy won’t have to complain about their jobs anymore, because they’ve opened up their shop together and they’re _happy_ . They don’t come home looking like they’ve _survived_ another awful, soul-draining day. They have stories to share about their customers and Jimmy will proudly show off new card designs while Castiel talks about expanding his greenhouse.

He wants that fantasy so damn badly it _hurts_.

“Dean?” Castiel’s voice is gentle as he takes in the pained look on his face. “Would you like to start?”

Yes.

“No.”

“It’s okay,” Jimmy jumps in. “I uh… I guess you two already talked about me and Cas. You two have figured things out, or at least started to, I hope. Can I just say I’m so fucking _relieved_ that you two are soulmates? Cas, you were being so damn difficult,” he rolls his eyes at his brother before turning to Dean. “I didn’t know how _you’d_ react to the whole twin thing. I was trying so hard to figure out how to make things work so I wouldn’t have to choose between you. The idea of having to pick one of you over the other…” He turns to Cas, who refuses to acknowledge the jab, before continuing. “It’d have killed me to do it… I was worried I’d have to pick _neither_ of you because it seemed like it’d hurt less all around.”

“Well,” Castiel says slowly, “it feels like you _did_ choose neither of us.”

Jimmy blinks and stares blankly at his brother, gaze briefly flickering to Dean before settling back on Cas. “What do you mean?”

“You _left_ , jackass.”

“You left too!” Jimmy snaps back automatically. “You left _first_ ! How the hell are you going to point a finger at me like _I’m_ the one who walked out on everything?”

It’s actually rather amusing to watch the twins squabble. Here they are, acting like normal brothers (and a normal couple at that), and Dean gets to witness it. He’s _part_ of it. Or he would be if he’d open his mouth and _say_ something.

“You know,” Dean interrupts, “I think there’s enough jackassery to go around.” That shuts the brothers up, both of their jaws locking into place as rueful expressions take over. “You,” he points at Cas, “you already told me why you left and all that. Still a dick move, but I get it. But _you_ ,” he turns to point at Jimmy, “you haven’t said jack shit about where you were. So start talking. If I don’t like what I hear, I don’t think I’ll be sticking around for the apology.”

It’s a terrible bluff, but Jimmy looks appropriately cowed so Dean thinks maybe he pulled it off.

“Where do I start?” Jimmy sighs, rolling his head back to stare at the ceiling. “I wanted all three of us to be together. Wanted it from the start, but with you two fucking and most people not being into the whole twincest thing…” He shrugs and makes eye contact with Dean. “With you and me being soulmates, I thought maybe… maybe that meant you’d be open to it? I didn’t think I could be connected to one person that profoundly without them being accepting of me having that same bond with Cas. I trusted that you’d come around to the idea of having Cas with us. Whenever I brought it up, you seemed unsure but you never shot me down. It’d take time, but I figured you’d come around to the idea.”

Dean buries his face in his hands, elbows biting into the hard surface of the table. It’s easier to admit this if he can pretend the twins aren’t looking. “You’re not wrong.” Disgusted at himself, he goes on. “I’ve been into both of you pretty much from day one. I had fantasies about Jimmy even when I was with Cas. Yeah, I know it was a no strings attached deal, but I still felt like a skeezeball about it. And… and I couldn’t get Cas out of my head. I felt like such an asshole about that, wanting someone else after I’d met my friggin _soulmate_. How fucked up did I have to be?”

“Dean—” the brothers speak in unison, then cut off at the same time. After a brief showdown, Cas relents and lets his brother continue. “I’m sorry I didn’t do a better job of helping you through that. I sensed you’d accept me and Cas—that we were together, that we wanted you to be part of that—but the thought that you might reject me, reject _us_ … It scared me, and I held back.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. I get it. But… but you _left_ . Why? You didn’t want to freak me out, how the _fuck_ does that not freak me out? You leave some… some _card_ to say goodbye, being vague as fuck about what you’re doing and how long you’ll be gone, you barely answer my texts… What the hell, Jimmy?” Filled with righteous anger, Dean hadn’t realized he’d stood up, but now he’s towering over the table and panting in the wake of his outburst.

“... He’s so hot when he’s angry, isn’t he?” Cas leans in and whispers. Jimmy forcibly pushes his brother’s face away as he implores Dean to sit down. Embarrassed, Dean does. He doesn’t regret anything he said—he needed to get that off his chest—but he wish he’d kept his cool while doing it.

 

“I _left_ to get Cas on board. Like I said, I trusted you to come around with time. Cas was being an _ass_ . He couldn’t accept that you were both my soulmates, and I needed to prove to him that was the case, that it was _possible_. I thought if I could make that case, he’d… I dunno, maybe give it a chance? Give me the benefit of the doubt? Count his lucky stars that maybe we could keep you around? But instead he just wanted to be petty and jealous because it was easier than admitting he might actually care about you.”

Dean turns to see Castiel’s chagrin. Expression tight and eyes sharp, he gives no other outward indication of how he feels about Jimmy’s accusations.

“Of course,” Jimmy adds wryly as he idly spins his mug around with his index finger, “if I’d known you two were soulmates and all of this could be resolved with a kiss…”

“Yeah, we were a Disney kiss away from a happy ending, wonderful.” Castiel puts his hand over Jimmy’s to stop his fidgeting. “You said you left to prove to me you had two soulmates. How does that work?”

A pleased grin slowly spreads as Jimmy puts the folder on the table next to him, just out of Cas’ reach. Opening it, his nimble fingers pick through the papers until he finds what he’s looking for. “Here are…” He double checks the names before placing the photo profiles down one at a time. “Samandriel… and this one’s Alfie. Two good friends who grew up together. Close, but not romantically involved or even attracted to each other. And this one, this is Adam. Guess what? He’s soulmates with both of them.”

Dean leans over to read the notes written in Jimmy’s handwriting: how the three of them met; when Adam first kissed each of them and found out they’re soulmates; the way they make their unusual relationship work; their concerns and what they actually tell people. Castiel’s hand spins the closest paper his way and his brow furrows in concentration as he reads.

“Here are Max and Alicia,” Jimmy continues as he drops another set of pictures on top of the old ones. “And their soulmate is Randy. And yes, you’re reading those notes right, Max and Alicia are twins who have the same soulmate.”

This set includes a picture of the three of them together; Alicia and Max both look at Randy with obvious affection, and Randy has an arm around each of them. Their happiness is palpable, even through the glossy paper, and hope doesn’t simply blossom inside of Dean—it breaks through every crack in the wall he’s built to try and contain it. What he wants isn’t a pipe dream. _These people already have it._

“This is Bela, Ruby and uh…” Jimmy looks embarrassed before he adds a third paper. “Meg.”

“Meg? _My_ Meg?”

The name doesn’t mean much to Dean. Vaguely familiar, probably one of the old flames Jimmy mentioned, but not one that sticks out in his mind like April. Cas, however, is staring daggers at his brother.

“I uh… I had to start somewhere.”

“You talked to Meg? She didn’t even _like_ you.”

“Oh don’t flatter yourself. She liked me just fine. Let me watch her peg you, didn’t she?”

Dean raises his eyebrows at that. He’d _definitely_ remember a story like that if Jimmy’d told him.

“Letting you watch us fuck is not the same as _liking_ you. _I_ haven’t talked to her in years, how the hell you’d get her number?”

“You’re kidding, right? You still have it in your phone, which means it’s in your Gmail contacts, which _means_ I can get it since I’m the one who set up your damn account in the first place. And believe you me, she was _more_ than happy to talk once I called. She says hi, by the way.”

“Uh…” Dean has to snap his fingers to get the brothers’ attention. “So you called an old flame of Cas’ and found all these other people to do what exactly?”

“To make Cas give the three of us a chance. I started online, looking for other people with a similar situation, but then I remembered Meg and some drunken conversations she and I had had when Cas was too gone to be interesting anymore. And I _found_ people. Loads of them.” He stands, holds up the folder for emphasis, papers crunching as his grip tightens. “People who don’t follow the soulmate rules we’re supposed to believe from the movies and rumors and whispered conversations because no one will actually _talk_ about this shit out loud. People who could back me up when I told Cas this was a legitimate situation that we could work through. Cas’ whole thing was about ‘how it isn’t possible to have more than one soulmate.’” Jimmy’s voice dips down to a lower register as he imitates his twin. He’s able to perfectly mimic the deep, gravelly quality, but somehow it still sounds nothing like Cas. “If I could find real life people that said otherwise, maybe he’d get the stick out of his ass and listen.”

He flings the folder onto the table and collapses back into his seat. An overwhelming, oppressive silence takes over after Jimmy’s impassioned outburst. Some of the energy drains out of Jimmy and he looks exhausted. Defeated, even.

“And you found them.” Dean starts gathering up the papers and gingerly putting them in the folder. Now that he knows what each page represents, there are a lot of people represented in here. It’s full of stories like their own, though every one of the stories here is more complete than theirs. They’re still in the beginning, that terrifying first few steps. “This uh… this must’ve taken a lot of time.”

“Three weeks. I ditched my most recent contacts to get back here.”

“You have, what, a dozen people in here? Twenty? At what point were you going to come back?”

Jimmy cringes at Dean’s accusation. “I don’t know? I’d talk to people and hear their stories, and I’d think… This is great, this is what I need, but it isn’t _enough_ . Because I _know_ Cas, and he can dismiss one, two, three examples. Claim people are lying or I’m just hearing what I want to hear, have a million reasons why it’s a fluke or not the same. So I wanted _more_ . I wanted _everything_ so Cas would listen. I thought if I came back too soon, I’d have to leave again to find more people.” More quietly, almost to himself, he mumbles, “It was hard enough leaving you two the first time, I didn’t think I’d be strong enough to do it again.”

“Fuck,” Cas hisses. He motions for Dean to hand him the folder and starts perusing through it. “He’s right, of course. I didn’t _want_ you two to be soulmates, so I wouldn’t have listened to any of this. I think you’d have actually had to physically bring these people here before I’d start letting myself be convinced.”

“Max and Alicia offered to fly in and talk to you,” he says dryly. “I told them I hoped it wouldn’t come to that. Lucky for me, you two kissed and proved all of my efforts completely fruitless. If I’d known that were the case, I would’ve saved my air miles and locked you two in a room or something.”

“Great,” Dean says, and the twins turn their attention back to him. “Cas is a believer. Where do we go from here?”

“The bedroom would be nice, there are a few things I wouldn’t mind trying—”

Under the table, Jimmy stomps on Cas’ foot. “I think he means… the three of us as a couple—as a _partnership_ , where do we go from here?”

Castiel squints at both of them like it’s the dumbest question in the world. “Are we not already dating? I don’t understand. Jimmy and I are still together, assuming we forgive each other for the past few months. You and Dean are still together, assuming he forgives you for walking out on him without a proper explanation. Dean and I picked the sex with benefits thing back up, now all we have to do is add in the dating part. What’s left to discuss?”

“A lot. We’ve kinda sorta said we want to try and make this work, but we haven’t actually said it, and I for one would like to _hear_ it.” A foot strokes Dean’s calf under the table, and he hears what Jimmy’s really saying. “I want this. You two and me? The three of us together? I’m in. It sounds like you’re on board, Cas, but you need to say the words. I need to hear it. Dean needs to hear it. No more assumptions. You gotta give us something we can’t misinterpret.”

“I don’t know how much plainer I could possibly—”

“Castiel.”

The use of his full name makes Cas shut right up. (Dean takes note, wondering if it would be as effective if he tried it.) Cas grinds his teeth before saying, “I want you, Jimmy. I want you, Dean. I want both of you.”

“You had that before,” Jimmy points out. “Before me and Dean kissed. You had me and you had him. Are you saying you want the same thing?” He puts his hands up in surrender when he sees Castiel’s glare. “Like I said, no more assumptions. Tell us _exactly_ what you want so we don’t have to guess.”

Cas’ eyelashes flutter in an epic attempt to keep from rolling his eyes. In the end, he closes them to avoid it altogether. When he opens them again, he looks contrite. “I want what you and I have with Dean. I want it with both of you. And I want you two to be able to have it with each other. I—” His words stutter to an awkward stop before he picks up again. “I have no idea how a relationship like that would work, but I’m willing to try it.”

Jimmy rewards him with a bright smile. “Good. And you, Dean?”

In his heart, he knows the answer. Hope that he can have the twins, live his life with them at his side, surges through him. It’s all he wants. It’s all he’s _ever_ wanted and more. _Two_ soulmates, with hearts open to him. Castiel and Jimmy are offering it, and here he sits, too chickenshit to take it.

“Dean,” Cas says gently. “If you want us both—and I know you do—take us both.”

“But,” Jimmy adds, “if it’s too much for you to handle, we can take a step back. This isn’t a decision that needs to be made today.”

Dean can’t help but flinch at that. Jimmy meant that _Dean_ doesn’t have to decide today, but it hits home on his concerns. _Today_ they want Dean. _Today_ they’re willing to make it work. Aaron and Lydia and Lisa all tied for a while, too. The twins aren’t promising the future. They’re promising _right now_. Maybe he should take it. Better than nothing. Sure, it’d kill him if they ended it and stayed with each other instead—

“Dean.” The twins are leaning over the table, each with one of his hands in theirs. Jimmy’s the one who’s talking though. “I love you. That’s not going to change. When Cas talks about making it work, he doesn’t mean we might get bored of you. He means navigating a polyamorous relationship.”

“I actually meant more the public side of things,” Castiel corrects. “I’ve had relationships based solely on sex, before, and… and I may not have wanted to admit it before, but that’s never quite been what you and I have shared. I have no doubt you and I-” Jimmy nudges him with his arm. “... and Jimmy will be able to have a committed, loving relationship with each other. I just don’t know how we’re going to handle _explaining_ that to people.”

“Oh.” Jimmy seems genuinely surprised by his brother’s response. “I hadn’t really thought that far ahead…”

“Obviously.” There’s a hint of teasing in Cas’ voice as he continues. “Jimmy and I have a system worked out to… deflect attention. We’ll have to make some decisions about that.”

“Dean still hasn’t said what he wants.”

Beautiful blue eyes turn his way, hopeful and expectant but also cautious. Yeah, they deserve an answer.

“I—” Dean’s mouth is dry so he squeezes the twins’ hands before pulling away and downing his tea. It’s gone cold by now, but it still soothes his throat. “I want it,” he confesses. “All of it. Both of you. If you’re offering it… I’ll take it. I’m terrified you’re gonna realize I’m not worth the effort, or that you two were better off before I ever came in the picture. Every relationship I’ve ever had has ended when the other person’s wanted their soulmate.” Then more quietly, so quietly he half hopes the twins won’t hear him, “I can’t survive going through that again.”

Cas and Jimmy stare at him for so long he fidgets and wishes he could disappear. Eventually, Cas turns to his brother. “You were right. If I ever meet any of the people responsible for breaking Dean’s heart and not letting him know every day how utterly amazing he is, I’ll rip their hearts out of their chest.” The fierce protectiveness with which he says it startles Dean and he nearly misses the rest of what Castiel says. “ _You_ are our soulmate. We’re not going to abandon you—”

“You’re also each other’s soulmates, and you’ve had a good thing going on for how many years now? Who needs two soulmates when you already got one?”

“I do.” Jimmy answers confidently. “I didn’t know I did until it happened, never realized I was missing this huge hole in my life, but I was.” He turns to his brother, putting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing. “I don’t mean that you weren’t enough for me. You were. But there’s no going back to how things were. I will never be as happy with one of you as I would be with both.”

“Ditto. I left and… I missed Jimmy. Obviously I missed Jimmy. I was so pissed off at him though that I could ignore that most of the time. Oh and I _wanted_ to be angry at you, too. But I could barely manage it. When I was alone at night… I missed you, Dean. The idea of never seeing you again stung, and it was easier not to think about it than wonder why.”

Dean lets that sink in. It really is too good to be true, and he starts to wonder if he’s dreaming or in a coma or maybe the plane to Germany really did crash and this whole thing’s his own slice of heaven.

Maybe he should go for it. The earnest way the twins are looking at him, the open affection… They’ve been willing to trust him with their secret. They’re going out on a limb with him, he owes it to them and himself to do the same.

“Okay. I’m in. Poly-whatever. Let’s do it.” A weight in his chest lifts. It’s still new and Dean’ll likely take a long long time to feel comfortable with it, but he’s _excited_ . He’s _happy_ . Nervous, but definitely happy. “Holy _shit_ , we’re doing this.” He can’t contain the grin on his face or the laughter bubbling up. Soon he’s outright giggling, reaching for the twins who gladly jump to their feet and appear on either side of him to kiss his cheeks.

“We are doing this,” Cas whispers in his left ear before settling sucking a bruise onto Dean’s neck.

“We’re going to take such good care of you.” Jimmy’s fingers run through his hair, gently massaging. “Would you—would you like us to…?”

“Yes.” Dean swallows thickly and surrenders completely to the twins’ touch. He doesn’t know or care what he’s agreeing to. “Show me what you got.”

“Ohhhh,” Cas groans, hands tightening their hold on Dean. “We really get to keep him?”

“I think we do,” Jimmy answers. His hands mirror Castiel’s touch for touch. There are so many hands, so many points of contact. “You’re ours now, right?”

“Fuck yes. Yes yes _yes_ yes—”

“Then let’s head to the bed…”

“So we can take care of you properly.”

Later Dean will have no recollection of the trip to the bedroom or how their clothes ended up in a pile on the floor, but he will definitely remember the warm press of bodies along his front and his back. Their hands explore on their own, never getting in each other’s way and leaving no part of Dean untouched. Unlike in the shower, he’s no longer a bundle of nerves. Dean’s relaxed and at ease and more than happy to let the twins have their way with him.

“What should we do first?” Cas asks. “If I’d known this was where the three of us were heading, I would’ve prepared. Practiced stretching myself so both of you could fuck me…” Jimmy gasps, cock twitching where it rests by Dean’s thigh, and Dean shivers. “But I think that’ll have to wait for another time.”

“Yes. We will _definitely_ be doing that.” Jimmy steals Dean’s lips in a kiss as he lines up their cocks and thrusts against him. Sparks course through him and Dean moans, again reminding him that there’s no way on god’s green earth he could ever get tired of this feeling.

Castiel whines and they both turn their heads to accommodate a third pair of lips. There’s no good angle for all three of them to kiss at the same time, so they alternate peppering kisses between one then the other. Back and forth, shocks trembling through his whole body one second and then the next they make his toes curl and buzz. He could ride this feeling all the way to orgasm, and as soon as he thinks that, Jimmy pulls away.

They both lean forward to chase his lips, but he puts a firm hand on Dean’s chest to hold them back. “Hey uh… could we maybe… there’s something I wanna try.”

Dean looks over his shoulder to Cas, who shrugs. “Sure. What’d you have in mind?”

Licking his lips, Jimmy steps forward and grabs Cas’ arm and drags him to the bed, guiding him into position. “Lie down right—No, scoot down a little. More. Stop! Perfect.”

Castiel’s lying on his side on the edge of the bed, facing the middle, head propped on his elbow by the headboard. There are about a million things they could do with Cas posed like that, and he wonders why Jimmy’s being so particular about the position.

“Dean, you go… here.” Jimmy motions to the empty space by Cas’ knees. Once Dean’s knees hit the bed, Jimmy manhandles him into the position he wants. Head by Cas’ leaking cock, on his side facing the headboard, his feet stretch off the far end of the bed. “Good boy,” Jimmy praises, running his fingers through Dean’s hair and then massaging the back of his neck. He tightens his hold and guides Dean’s mouth to Cas’ crotch. Without a second thought, Dean opens his mouth and swallows Cas down and relaxing his jaw as Jimmy pushes him deeper, all the way until his nose brushes against the thick hair curled there.

“You two fucked the other day in this bed, didn’t you?” Dean and Cas both groan in answer—first Dean, then Cas—and Jimmy’s throat rumbles in satisfaction. “I’m _very_ disappointed that I missed the show. I’d hoped the next time you two had sex, I’d at least get to _watch_ . I’ve been dying to see Dean’s mouth on you for _months_ , Cas, especially with all the stories you told me after Germany. He’d go on and on about your blowjob skills, Dean, and I was worried he’d oversold your abilities. I was _very_ pleased that wasn’t the case when I got the chance to find out for myself.”

Dean preens under the praise, sighing in contentment and doing his best to make sure Cas enjoys this _more_ than any blowjob he’s given him before. He pulls out all the tricks he’s learned: changing the pressure, using a hint of teeth, letting his tongue dip out to lap at his balls while his fingers work his rim. Castiel and Jimmy, voices so sex rough they’re almost interchangeable, babble encouragement.

It’s _awesome_.

Why the hell weren’t they doing this from the start.

At some point, Castiel makes move toward Dean but Jimmy pushes him back.

“You not going to let me sixty-nine him?” Cas motions at the distance between Dean’s dick and his mouth, and Dean laughs around Cas’ cock as he continues to suck. “Because I’m pretty sure that’d be worth watching—”

“Another time, definitely, but right now, let me enjoy the view as it is. Besides, I’ve got other plans.” Dean can hear the sound of skin on skin, pictures Jimmy hovering at the edge of the bed as he strokes himself. Pleased to be able to blow Cas _and_ have Jimmy there, so obviously enjoying it, Dean focuses his attention on what he’s doing. He doesn’t know what more Jimmy has planned, but he’s content enough in the knowledge that he’ll get to make Cas come. Maybe Jimmy, too, after—

“Ahh!” he gasps around Cas’ cock, abruptly stopping as warm heat encompasses his own dick. He twists to get a better view of Jimmy bobbing back and forth, wiggling his hips closer to his twin’s mouth. Cas shifts and uses what little leverage he can get without dislodging either Dean or Jimmy and finally gets Jimmy’s shaft close enough for him to kiss and lick. Jimmy shudders and swallows around Dean, causing him to moan around Castiel, who in turn grunts in contentment. Immediately, Cas’ tongue flicks out again before it wraps briefly around the head. Again, there’s a chain reaction of pleasure circling through their chain that has all three of them making aborted little thrusts.

“Ohhhh,” Castiel moans. His hands dig into Jimmy’s ass and pull him closer so he’ll be able to reach more of his cock. “This is such a good idea, holy fuck Jimmy. Hey, I’ve got an idea. How ‘bout this—the first to make someone come gets to pick lunch.”

Jimmy tries to pop off and protest (or agree, Dean has no idea, really) but Cas’ hand holds him in place much like it did last night. “Shhh, don’t worry. I’m taking care of you. You just worry about Dean.” Once Jimmy relaxes and goes back to tonguing at Dean’s slit and enthusiastically blowing him, Cas’ hand moves to pet Dean. “Dean will do the same for me, won’t you, Dean?”

There’s no point in trying to respond; Cas is right, and he’s back to work at Jimmy’s dick. Every time one of them makes a good move, the other two soon feel it. It becomes a strange feedback loop, pleasure given earning pleasure back. There’s a direct give and take, something so equal that it’s ideal for the three of them. Ideal for Dean, really, to see he’s as much a part of the chain as either brother. He’s not less, not taking away from what the twins have with each other, just like Cas isn’t taking away from what he started building with Jimmy and like Jimmy’s not diminishing what he shares with Cas. They _add_ to each other’s pleasure, can juggle three people as easily as they did two only it’s so _so_ much better—

He’s not even embarrassed when he comes first, come spurting into Jimmy’s waiting mouth and pulling a broken cry from him. Jimmy doesn’t let Dean’s cock slip out, instead milking him through his orgasm before relaxing and simply holding him. It takes him a few moments to recover, but then Dean’s back to focusing on Cas, working toward the final edge of pleasure. The twins come soon after, barely ten seconds between first Cas and then Jimmy moaning in delight.

They collapse in a pile together, rolling over each other and tangling so completely Dean might in fact be palming at his own ass. It doesn’t matter, he’s too blissed out to care whose hand or foot is where, whose mouth is sucking a hickey on his neck while the other sucks at his sensitive nipples.

 

“We get to do this every day, right?” he says breathlessly as they start to shift to cuddling.

“Yes,” Castiel answers immediately.

“You two are going to break me with sex,” Jimmy grouses. “I had a hard enough time keeping up with _just_ Cas and _just_ Dean. My dick’s going to fall off, no way I can keep up with you two.”

“Not up for the challenge?” Dean teases. “The guy who wanted to have sex on my balcony not once but three times in one day thinks he can’t handle two boyfriends?”

Cas perks up at that. “You two had balcony sex? When do we get to do balcony sex?”

“Like I said,” Jimmy huffs as he starts to extract himself from the bed and pick through the discarded clothes, “you two are going to kill me from too much sex. Put that on my tombstone. ‘Here lies James Emmanuel Novak. Cause of death: His boyfriends fucked his brains out.’”

“I mean, doesn’t exactly sound like a bad way to go.” Dean smiles brightly as Jimmy sticks his tongue out at him. “Maybe we should get him a card to apologize.”

“Hmmm,” Castiel says, a mock frown on his face. “Do they make cards like that?”

“Funny you should say that. I know a guy who’d probably be able to make one for us. ‘Sorry we’re driving you crazy with sex.’”

“How about: ‘Sorry for giving you too many orgasms.’”

“‘Sorry your dick can’t keep up with us.’”

“Yeah, that’s it, that’s the one.”

“I am _not_ making my own apology card!” With a wave of his hand, Jimmy starts heading out to the living room. “Get dressed.”

“Where are you going?” Cas demands, a hand wandering down Dean’s body to fondle his balls before he springs off the bed.

Jimmy sticks his head back into the room. “Uh, I was the first to make someone come. I get to pick lunch. We’re going out for burgers and beer. Then once I’ve gotten you two drunk, we’re coming back here and gonna start working Cas up to two dicks because I would like nothing more than to have both of us inside him at once.” With a wink, Jimmy disappears, whistling as he makes his way out to find his wallet and keys.

“... I’ve created a monster.”

“‘s okay,” Dean says, placing a comforting kiss on Cas’ cheek just because he can. “He’s _our_ monster.”

Castiel’s answering smile is so huge and genuine it’s blinding. After everything, Dean starts to believe they can do this. They can make it work.


	19. Chapter 19

**Epilogue: One Year Later**

Jimmy sings a tune under his breath as he gets ready to close up the shop. He’s got an hour before anyone’s expected to show up, which will give him time to push back the aisles of cards and set up the chairs for everyone. Hopefully Cas will remember that it’s his turn to pick up snacks for the meeting, otherwise everyone will have to deal with stale chips and flat soda and whatever else they can scrounge up from the mini-fridge in the back office. 

Greetings and Carnations opened this past spring. He and Cas had been doing a good job so far, if he didn’t say so himself. They were making a meager profit, but more than anything they were happy. Jimmy got to do whatever cards he wanted and he got a lot of requests both locally and from their online shop. He was starting to get a real rhythm going, and hopefully soon he’d be able to pick up other commissions here and there. 

Cas was just happy to not have to wear a suit anymore. (“What’s the point of not wearing a suit if you’re still going to wear button down shirts and khakis all the time?” “Because now I don’t have to wear a tie or a jacket.” “You look hot in a tie, though.” “How about I still let you tie me up with one?” “... Deal.”) He’d left his boring desk job in a small cubicle and traded it in for a boring desk job in a small office, but Castiel claims the change in scenery alone is an improvement. He’s also very fond of the small greenhouse attached to the back half of the shop. That’s half the reason the office space is so small; they’d had to renovate and cut the area in half so that there’d be room for all his flowers. 

It’s honestly a dream come true, for both of them, and it’s going better than either had anticipated. It’s given them the freedom to control their own lives in a way they haven’t been able to since… ever, really. They’ve gotten to quit jobs they hate, set their own hours, and make careers out of what would otherwise be hobbies. 

Once he’s gotten the chairs set up in a circle, Jimmy goes to find his phone where he’d abandoned it by the counter. It blinks red, alerting him to some missed messages. Smiling already, he unlocks the phone and reads them.

_ Castiel N (6:01 pm): On my way over, should be there to help set up. _

_ Castiel N (6:27 pm): Running late - almost forgot to get donuts. Be there by 7:15 _

Jimmy snorts and shakes his head. Cas had only gone home to shower and change out of his clothes (they were smelling a little too much like fertilizer after spending the better part of the day in the greenhouse). Leave it to his brother to wait until the last minute to head back. He sends a thumbs up to acknowledge the text, then moves on to the next one.

_ Dean W (5:38 pm): hey sam wants to tag along that okay? _

_ Dean W (6:15 pm): you didn’t answer but cas said he was fine with it _

_ Dean W (6:18 pm): we’re on the way but lemme know if you’d be more comfortable w/o him there _

Dean’s worry is adorable. And unfortunately not uncommon. A year in and the twins still have trouble reassuring him at times. He’s always concerned he’s a bother, like he’s imposing himself on the twins. It’s one of their ongoing issues that they’re working on. Overall things are good, but Dean’s insecurity often gets the better of him. If an argument gets too heated, no matter how mundane the topic, he cringes and shuts down. Intellectually, Dean understands that the twins love him and won’t leave him, but that doesn’t stop his anxiety from taking over, telling him he’s not worth the bother and their relationship’s sure to end any day now. When things get really bad, it takes both the twins’ showering him with affection, pampering him with love and kisses until he can work past his insecurities and feel at ease again.

It’s not as though Dean’s issues are the only ones plaguing the three of them. Castiel’s always had a tendency to be possessive, and sometimes he eyes Jimmy and Dean’s openly tender touches with jealousy. At first, Jimmy thought it was because Cas wasn’t used to having to share Jimmy. Now he’s not sure  _ who _ Cas is actually envious or protective of in those moments; he wants Dean as fiercely and as passionately as he wants Jimmy, and there are times when he’s beyond being able to share. It’s usually settled with him riding both of them in turn while the other watches, unable to join in or speak or do more than touch himself until Cas says otherwise. Dean’s the one who suggested it, letting Cas exert some sort of control over them so he regain his composure, and it’s been a good way to navigate Cas’ possessive streak. 

Jimmy’d like to think he’s the most put together of the three of them. That he’s had no issues adapting to the change in their lives. It’s utter bullshit, of course, but it still makes him feel better to think he’s doing pretty well. His issue isn’t insecurity or jealousy or any of that. His issue is  _ space _ . Sometimes having both Dean and Cas around is too much. He needs some of the autonomy he had before, the privacy that he lost when they added a third person to their apartment. They’re looking for a bigger space, saving up to get an actual house, but so far it’s been three grown men stuffed into a two bedroom apartment, sharing one office, one bedroom, one bathroom. It gets to be too much sometimes.

Thank god they have the shop now. It’s given him his own space where he can work on his art without someone constantly looking over his shoulder. And thank god there’s room up in the front of the shop for his desk, otherwise he’d be stuck in the back with Cas. He loves his brother, he truly does, but he needs a place that’s all his own. 

Which is why he finds himself here alone on a Friday afternoon. Last night had been particularly aggravating: all three of them crowded into the kitchen as Dean made pasta, Castiel did dishes, and Jimmy did his best to make dessert. Normally he’s fine with elbows knocking together, but it’d been so  _ loud _ and  _ close _ . He’d slept on the couch to try and get his head back on right. Both Dean and Cas had taken the hint, luckily, and not pushed into his personal space. Cas even spent most of his time at his desk, staying out of Jimmy’s hair as he took care of customers. 

That’s all he needed, a bit of distance to restore his equilibrium, and already he’s missing his boyfriends’ company. He checks his watch again, happy to know they should be here soon. 

**Jimmy N (6:43 pm): Dean it’s fine, Sam’s more than welcome**

**Jimmy N (6:44 pm): you kno i like Sam**

The rest remains unsaid: that he trusts Sam; that he appreciates Sam’s support and encouragement; that he  _ wants _ Sam to have a chance to attend the meeting if he’s interested. 

Before he can put his phone away, it buzzes in his hand. 

_ Dean W (6:45 pm): thanks Jimmy  _

_ Dean W (6:45 pm): (this is Sam btw Dean’s driving atm) _

**Jimmy N (6:46 pm): oh no my secret’s out that i like you :P**

**Jimmy N (6:47 pm): now when i tease you, you’ll know i’m just dicking around**

_ Dean W (6:49 pm): dude you’re my brother’s soulmate _

_ Dean W (6:50 pm): i wouldn’t expect anything less _

Laughing, he pockets the phone so he can finish getting things ready. 

Sam is definitely a good guy. He’s been a rock for Dean through this whole thing, helping reassure him that the twins were sticking around. Whenever Dean had a particularly bad day, when his anxiety and paranoia made it impossible for him to meet the twins’ eye, he’d call Sam. The twins did everything in their power to help Dean move past his fears that this wasn’t real or wouldn’t work out, but sometimes he needs to hear it from his brother. Someone with some distance, who only wants what’s best for Dean, to give their objective opinion and offer comfort.

That’s not to say he hadn’t been suspicious. When Dean had told him he had not one but two soulmates, Sam had been understandably skeptical. He’d flown out to help Dean move, or so he’d said. It was hard to justify flying out to help with the move considering Jimmy and Cas were both there, plus Dean’s other friends were willing to lend a hand. 

Jimmy’d never gotten the protective brother treatment, though he’d seen Cas fill that role dozens of times, and it was endearing. It’d taken Sam a few days to warm up to them, and there was a time when Jimmy worried it’d never happen. Maybe he had issues with the two soulmate thing or the twin thing or maybe he just didn’t like them. In the end, Sam came around. He saw how happy Dean was with them, and yeah he thought it was strange, but he genuinely didn’t care about the double soulmate thing. 

At the time, he also suspected Sam knew about him and Cas. He hadn’t said anything outright, but there was something in the way he looked at them that hinted at it. They didn’t talk about it during that first visit—Dean didn’t want to put too much on Sam too soon—but when the three of them had gone out west so the twins could meet Jess, they’d sat down together and talked about it. Sam hadn’t even bothered to appear surprised, instead thanking them for trusting him and continuing to be the amazing little brother Dean always claimed him to be.

As amazingly understanding and helpful as Sam was, it made Jimmy’s heart ache for his mother and his cousins and everyone else they’d had to leave behind. People who might’ve come around if given enough time. 

Not his father though. Fuck him.

Before the bitterness can settle in, the front door opens and the bell rings, making Jimmy rush back up to welcome whoever’s shown up. 

It’s Donna, and Jimmy smiles before pulling her into a hug. Donna’s a regular in their group, and he’s pretty sure he’d love hanging out with her any day. She’s so damn sweet and funny, Jimmy’s glad she reached out to them and joined their group.

After they’d gotten settled, Dean had come up with the idea. He’d said it as a joke, that there should be a support group for people like them, for the people in Jimmy’s folder who didn’t fit the traditional soulmate mold. The offhand comment had stuck with him, and with Dean and Cas’ help they’d put it together. 

They started online, trying to gather others with unconventional soulmate bonds and form a community. They’d made forums and done their best to provide information and support, as well as keep anonymity for those who needed it. Somehow, they’d stumbled upon a few others in their area. Cas suggested they run meetings in the shop, and it’d taken off from there.

Now once or twice a month they gather with other members of the Unconventional Soulmates Alliance. They talk about their own experiences and concerns, the struggles they’ve gone through and the nature of their relationship (and yes, the twins have come out to this group—it’s the only safe space where they’ve been comfortable doing so, and it’s led to others feeling like they can open up without fear of judgement). They invite others to do the same, though often it’s only a few of them who speak up on any given night. But it helps, lets everyone know they’re not alone and that they’re not broken or wrong.

Take Donna for instance. She and her ex-husband Doug have a broken soulmate bond. They felt sparks for years, and then they faded away to nothing. Everyone’s  _ heard _ of this, but no one’s willing to admit it’s happened to them. Most of the time if it’s brought up, it’s dismissed as, “Well, the sparks  _ do _ get weaker over time. Maybe they just don’t notice they’re still there.” It’s condescending at best, and Jimmy can only imagine the things people have said to Donna when she and her husband got divorced. Soulmates just don’t get divorced, and the condemnation they get for having “thrown away” their bond is awful.

There are of course the other poly couples, where one or more of the partners are soulmates with each other. They recently met a trio of kids—Alex, Krissy, Aiden—that are even more unique: Krissy is Alex’s soulmate, Alex is Aiden’s soulmate, and Aiden is Krissy’s soulmate. The idea of one-way soulmates isn’t terribly surprising, but the circular nature of their bonds is what confused them more than anything else. The three are so young, too, that they’d been terrified when they’d first shown up. It’d only been Krissy that night, but a month later Alex had tagged along. Jimmy very much hopes Aiden feels comfortable enough to join them eventually, and if not, that the girls are able to provide him with the support he needs to handle this. 

They couldn’t be more than seventeen. Barely even found their soulmates and they’d already found the need for a support group. It pains Jimmy to know that there are others out there who endured the same sort of shit he and Cas did, but it only strengthens his resolve to keep up their work here.

They represent the youngest members of the Alliance. There are others: Abbadon and Michael, soulmates who can’t stand each other (though if Jimmy understands it correctly, have hate sex constantly); Detectives Victor and Diana, partners on the force but with no romantic or sexual interest in each other, they’re what Cas calls platonic soulmates; Gabriel and Kali refer to themselves as “on again off again” soulmates—their bond literally fluctuates from extremely strong to so dull it’s barely there, even broken at times. 

There’s also the case of Lily and Akobel. They’re platonic soulmates who are happily married and raising Lily’s daughter together. Hardly unusual given the nature of their group, until they’d mentioned Ishim. Ishim and Lily are one-way soulmates, with Ishim obsessively in love with her while Lily feels absolutely nothing for him in return. It’s very much like the Aiden-Alex-Krissy situation, except that Ishim doesn’t take too kindly to Lily not returning his affections. Only Lily and Akobel have shown up at meetings, though Jimmy’s told them time and time again that if Ishim came, he’d be welcome as well.

Unless of course he starts trouble. Then he’s pretty sure Castiel and Dean would have no qualms about physically removing him from the premises, and Jimmy doesn’t want there to be a scene. All the work they’ve done to make this a safe space could be shattered if some dick showed up, upset enough to cast blame on others and maybe throw fists if anyone disagreed.

They don’t get a lot of other incestuous pairings, though Jimmy knows for a fact there’s a couple that’d like to come to the meetings but is too worried to. Gwen and Christian Campbell contacted Cas months ago, wanting to meet but scared because of Dean’s involvement. Gwen and Christian are cousins with each other… and apparently also distantly related to Dean. They don’t mind meeting with others like them—they were particularly interested in talking to the twins—but the idea of someone in their family knowing terrified them. Jimmy’d been doing his best to help provide support for them online and maybe ease Dean into the whole idea. He doesn’t think Dean would be hypocritical enough to judge them, but he wants things to go as smoothly as possible for the sake of Gwen and Christian. 

Throughout time, soulmates have come in strange pairings. Different races, religions, social classes, cultures… All had been dismissed as  _ wrong _ at some point in history, but eventually enough of them had spoken out and stood up for themselves that they’d been recognized for what they were. Jimmy hopes that groups like theirs, raising awareness of the other, lesser-known subsets of soulmate groups, will help them become accepted, too.

One day, anyway.

Cas arrives in time to set out the refreshments before they get started. Everyone mingles for a bit, eating donuts and making smalltalk. When Sam and Dean arrive, Donna whisks Dean away after giving him a big hug, insisting he come take a look at her car. He shrugs and follows, leaving Sam in the care of the twins. Sam, bless him, does his best to listen as he meets everyone there. They can tell he’s not “one of them” but he’s open-minded and polite, so he fits right in.

Once Dean and Donna reappear, they start the more formal part of the meeting. They all take a seat, go around and introduce themselves with however much they feel like sharing that night, and then Jimmy opens the floor for discussion. “Any questions? Anything anyone wants to talk about?”

A shy hand comes up. 

“Hi, Krissy. You had a question?”

“Well, I was just wondering… how you three deal with things publicly? Do you tell people? Do you tell  _ everyone _ ? Do you do it all at once, or ease them into it?”

“That’s a very good question,” Jimmy says, looking between Cas and Dean to see if either of them want to answer. They shake their heads and let Jimmy continue. “That’s obviously something that will vary from relationship to relationship. Some people are more comfortable being upfront about the nature of their soulmate bond, while others are more private about their life in general. 

“For us, though, we took a kind of middle ground. Dean and I were already dating before we found out about him and Cas. We talked about if we wanted to keep going with that, and not tell people about Castiel’s involvement with us.”

“And that was a no-go for me,” Dean interrupts. “It didn’t seem fair to Cas, and I didn’t like the idea of having to… police my behavior around him all the time. I love Cas, I love Jimmy, and I should get to express that, regardless of who’s around.” He spares an apologetic look to his boyfriends, knowing fully well that no matter how supportive their friends might be, that’s still a reality for Castiel and Jimmy. Nothing more than brotherly, platonic touches unless they’re confident that those around them would be understanding. 

“So,” Castiel continues, “we decided on a compromise. Dean would tell everyone that he’s soulmates with both of us. If people could handle that much, knowing that Dean was bound to brothers, then we might consider telling them more later on. If they thought  _ that _ was weird or gross or inappropriate or whatever else…” Castiel shrugs with nonchalance that might fool those gathered here for the meeting but that does nothing to fool Jimmy. He knows his brother would love to give all those people an earful about judging what three consenting adults do behind closed doors, but every time he’s held himself back, thank god.

Not that they don’t deserve it, but Jimmy doesn’t think the three of them need more stress when it comes to that. 

“You’d be surprised how easy it is to claim we’re soulmates and have people hold their tongues, though.” Jimmy shakes his head at the memory of when the brothers had been caught taking turns making out with Dean at a bar. The  _ looks _ they gotten up until Dean, cheeks flushed and body loosened with alcohol, had slung an arm around each brother and proudly said they were both his soulmate. They’d certainly gotten looks after that, but they’d lost some of their judgemental edge. “When people say they’re soulmates, no one questions it. As of right now, there’s no way to  _ prove _ it, so they take us at our word. They’ll mumble under their breath and gives us the stink eye, but they let us be together publicly to a certain degree.”

“Which is great… but not fair.” Dean gestures to the twins as he adds, “They don’t get to be together in public unless I’m there as a proxy. Even if they told people they’re soulmates—which they  _ are _ —that’s crossing some arbitrary line and people don’t buy into it.”

“Isn’t it…” The whole circle turns to Sam. He fidgets nervously, unsure if he’s allowed to speak up until Dean pats him on the back and motions for him to continue. “Isn’t it also not fair that people… that they hear the word ‘soulmate’ and  _ assume _ a certain type of relationship. Like, it kinda works in your favor, but what about Victor and Diana? Or Donna and Doug? It seems unfair that you guys have to deal with all this… this…” He struggles for the right word before giving up. “I guess it just sucks that you guys don’t get to live your life on your own terms without people assuming you’re doing it wrong.”

There are shared looks around the group, a mix of surprise and approval. Even Dean looks a little taken aback before he beams proudly at his brother. “Aw, look at Sammy gettin’ it,” he teases while he musses his brother’s hair. Everyone chuckles slightly, and like that they move on to the next question.

More and more, their lives fall into place. Cas and Jimmy falling in love. Meeting Dean and adding him to their relationship. Finally opening up their own business. And now they have Sam’s full support. Jimmy can’t wait to see what’s next for them, because with the three of them together, he has no doubt it’ll be amazing.

* * *

**Bonus Scene 1:**

**Cas:** Dean, you okay?

**Dean:** yeah it’s just sometimes i feel like a third wheel

**Cas:** I don’t understand why being a third wheel is a problem… tricycles are incredibly stable, and if you tried to remove any one wheel, the tricycle would fall over and be useless. 

**Dean:** … that is strangely the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me

**Jimmy:** … he just fucking called us a tricycle? how the fuck is that sweet? at least call us something cool like the three musketeers? how the fuck did we end up as a tricycle?

 

**Bonus Scene 2:**

**Dean:** *nervous* so uh we should sit down and talk

**Dean:** my company wants me to work at their german branch for a year, to learn how the manufacturers over there do things and

**Cas:** if you want to go, you should do it

**Dean:** *smiling* yeah? 

**Cas:** of course. you’d love it and it’d be a good career move for you. and your company asking you to do it shows they have a lot of trust in you. if you want to do this, we support you

**Dean:** and you’d visit…?

**Cas:** *bitch face* 

**Dean:** *laughs before turning to jimmy* jimmy you’ve been kinda quiet… you okay with this—?

**Jimmy:** I’M GOING TO HAVE A HOT EUROPEAN BOYFRIEND!?

**Dean:** i’m just going to be living in europe, i’m not actually going to  _ be _ european—

**Jimmy:** DO NOT TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME DEAN WINCHESTER. HOT. EUROPEAN. BOYFRIEND.

**Dean to Cas:** … he’s just going to visit me for booty calls isn’t he

**Cas:** pretty much, yes


End file.
